Search Light by Sarah Liz

I've decided....

2011-02-13T13:31:00.000-08:00

That I'm confidant in the decisions I'm making in my life.

That I'm alright, and I'm okay.

That even though I have "off" days where I'm not quite as adorable as I am on other days, that I'm a human being who deserves (not more so, or more than anyone else) love, health and happiness!

That in the moments when I miss my Grandma the most, if I'm still and quiet, I always know what she would want me to do, and/or what she told me to do. And that if I stop the tears long enough to tune in, she is still very much with me.

That I can totally pass my Algebra Class, even though I may not "get" all of it. I'm doing my homework, trying my best and giving it my all! That's all I can do, the rest is up the Universe, and I believe the Universe will reward my mathematic efforts!

That Algebra isn't that different than balancing a checkbook, budgeting for groceries or making change for someone at work. As it turns, we kind of DO use it, sometimes. I still don't like the letters and numbers mixed together, but oh well. I'm not so special that I get out of learning what every other college student had to learn too!

That my Creative Writing Class might not be what I'd hoped for, but it's still a class about writing (duh!) where I can learn a lot if I so choose to. So I'm going to give my all to that as well!

That friendship is one of my life's most precious and beautiful gifts. And when you have the kinds of friends that inspire you to BE a better friend, you're doing something right and you are truly blessed!

That seeing people smile and laugh is one of my all-time most favorite things in life--period, ever! The joy I get from seeing others smile and laugh--whether in person, whether know them or not, or even on TV, it's just amazing how great it makes you feel! I love seeing others happy and joyful, it's awesome!

That my best friend getting married is one of the coolest, most fun parts of my life right now, and I'm just so glad it's her planning a wedding this time and NOT me! Love you, Tess!

That my mom and I are two very different, and yet very similar, people who have to respect and honor our differences. We are here to teach each other a tremendous amount and to allow our mutual stubbornness or inability to put ourselves in the other persons' shoes is not going to let us get the most out of our relationship! The mother-daughter relationship can be the most complicated there is, but since she just lost her mother, I think I'm going to shine a lot on and just enjoy my own mother as best I can!

That Valentine's Day is NOT just for romance--it's about LOVE--all sorts and types of love. Family love, friendship love and of course, romantic love. Love is what sustains us and fills us up and what makes us get out of bed in the morning! It is a choice and an action, not a "feeling" and every day I am humbled by the overwhelming amount of love (both given and received) I have in my life! :) I'm so grateful for it!

That it's okay to not always be positive and perky and upbeat. That I can have those "down" days like I mentioned earlier, but that after a few days, it's time to suck it up, put on my big girl pants and remember that life is what I choose for it to be!

That my choices are my own. I don't owe anyone an explanation for the choices I make, but when I'm making them, I had better be able to face the effects (good and bad) that follow them.

That I don't regret one single day I've ever spent with anyone in my life! That everything and everyone happens for a reason, and a lesson. And that everything that has happened to me thus far in my life has been a blessing because I've been able to learn and grow from it.

That it's pretty damn awesome that I can see life like I just stated! And that I really wish more people saw it that way!

That I need a new cell phone--not because I want something new, but because I'm tired of it cutting off and acting weird. I'm trying to simplify my life, not complicate it. All I want is a phone that works, and I don't think that's asking too much.

That I'm okay with not knowing the reason for everything, and also, that I'm okay with not knowing the "how" of everything. Someday, I might know why and how, but it's okay if I don't right now.

That the power of Meditation is downright awesome and that learning how to further tap into that is just amazing!

That I don't need to be a vegetarian right now, a little beef here and there IS okay. As long as I don't go overboard, why not enjoy life? Total deprivation only leads to negativity.

That I'm going to take a trip this year--or maybe 2--to where I'm not sure yet, but I'm going on a vacation! Why? Because I can and because I've earned it!

That Colin was right in saying that vacations aren't a luxury, sometimes, they're a necessity!

That I'm blessed to have all five of my senses, a job, a warm home and good, good sleep lately!

That a lot of what I just wrote isn't anything new, but that I'm glad I took the time to post it!

Thank You, Lord, for everything! You rock!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

I'm Still Here...

2011-02-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

I'm still here! Life is changing constantly and moving at an incredible pace, I am busier than I have been in a long time. I'm still writing, I'm just not posting. Admittedly, I wish I was writing more, but since I am currently enrolled in a Creative Writing Class, my personal writing has not ceased to exist.

As you can tell from my previous entry, my grandma Elizabeth died on January 11th. I dealt with it better during the first week after her death than I am dealing with it right now. She prepared me for it, more than anyone, we knew it was coming and it is better this way because I know she is absolutely in a much better place. The best part is, she is no longer suffering, that brings me such comfort and peace because to be honest, I did not realize how much her being sick (with Alzheimer's and her physical ailments as well) bothered me. I knew I carried that weight around for a long, long time, but I did not realize how heavy that weight was until she passed on. That being said, I can be as logical and as spiritual about it as I want to be--and most days I am--but that does not change the fact that she is never coming back. My grandmother was one of my best friends, my spiritual mentor, my confidant and not a day goes by that I do not think of her, and miss her. Last night, I cried for an hour and all I could say was "I want my Grandma, I want my Grandma." That is normal though, and even though I grieved for her for a long time before she actually died, it is a NEW normal. It is a complete re-adjustment to life without her. It's still good, it's still beautiful and blessed and miraculous! I feel her presence with me all the time, and I know she is one of my Gaurdian Angels. That also gives me peace and comfort. But, the reality is, my life is forever altered and forever different. No matter how good or how bad (and it's pretty much all good) my life is from now on, my grandma is not there for me to pick up the phone to call. Her husband is, and I'm so grateful for that The time I was able to spend with him (and my mom and my Uncle) when I went up to Reno for Grandma's service meant a lot to me. I am tremendously grateful for all of my family and friends, that circle just got a little smaller, that's all. Out of everything I'm dealing with right now, the death of my grandma is one of the most difficult things I've ever faced. But, that does not mean I'm not facing it. I'm feeling what I need to feel, giving myself time to heal. Death is not a bad thing, it is a relief and release of pain--most of the time I find myself shedding tears of gratitude at the sheer awesomeness that I got to be her grandaughter. And I know the very best thing I can do now is live in a way that would make her proud, and enjoy each moment of my life as best I can. So, here's to you, Grandma, I love you and I miss you. Thank you for continuing to teach me about life and love, even after you've died.

In other news, I'm back in school! Taking that Creative Writing Class I talked about earlier AND Math 093--Pre-Algebra. Which, so far, I am totally understanding! Yay God! Sincerely, I am really "getting it" in math class so I'm very relieved. Like anything else, if I just apply myself, I know I can do it!

I was going to get a new car, but that deal didn't work out, so I've resigned myself to letting the new car and being okay with taking my old car back. The way I have to look at it is, at least I have a car! And I'm so grateful for that!

Work is going well, I'm working 3 or 4 days a week and when I'm there, I work as hard as I can! I'm so blessed to have a job, to have had a job for almost a year and a half now and I have the absolute best co-workers and bosses anyone could ever ask for, so all is well there! :)

The support from my family and friends that I have received lately is humbling and encouraging. There is so much going on, so much changing, but I'm handling it all quite well. I'm doing my best to roll with it and enjoy each day the best I can. Life is different, and it's not perfect, but it sure is worth it. I feel confidant in my decisions lately and making the best of every situation that I can. Despite my "down" days and moments of doubt, which I think we all have those.

I am taking a very interesting scientific based meditation class and I'm so looking forward to all that that entails!

On a side note, today was my original due date when my mother was pregnant with me. Obviously, I came 6 weeks earlier, and to the day! I'm glad my birthday's in December but February is such a beautiful month that having a birthday today would've been okay. I'm not a fan of the #6 though, and I never have been, so perhaps that's why. I just had so much to do in this life, and I really wanted to be here, obviously, so I guess I wanted an early start! Even to this day, I despise being late for anything! Go figure!

Anyway, I'm glad I came into the world when I did, but I also like to do something special for myself on this day, Feb. 6th. I've not decided yet what I'll do today, but I'm thinking the box of Girl Scout Carmel Delites that I polished off this morning, might count as my something nice for the day! I'm amazed I'm not nauceous, I normally don't/can't eat like that--LOL!

Anyway, I just wanted to post and give an update. It wasn't as quick of an update as I had planned, but it rarely is.

I hope everyone is fabulous 2011 so far! If I don't write again for a while, it's because I'm so darn busy and have so much going on! Not too much though, and I am taking time to rest and relax!

Thank You, Lord, for beautiful weather, a car to drive, a roof over my head, amazing family and friends and all the other blessings I have.

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

In Memorial: Elizabeth Harris, my Grandma

2011-01-19T10:06:00.000-08:00

Elizabeth Harris
11/1930--1/11/2011

Beloved Wife, Mother and Grandmother

Creative, wise and loving.

Gifted with her hands,

strong in her beliefs.

Immeasurable in the contributions she made to our lives.

A woman of courage and inspiration.

Her Light remains together,

Her Love remains forever.

(C) 2011 Sarah E. Doan

So Happy: Going Back to School!!!

2011-01-11T13:34:00.000-08:00

Truth be told, I woke up this morning in a foul mood. I didn't sleep too well, had weird dreams and could've slept in a lot longer than I did. (I woke up later than I'd planned.)

HOWEVER....

I decided to get up, take a shower and put my best foot forward.

I came to the school today (CSN) with a smile on my face. Usually, I'm not the biggest fan of CSN--but this semester--their service has really improved!

I think the drop in attendance kinda forced them to get their act together.

Anyway, I came in here today with a good attitude. And I'm so glad I did.

I left my house this morning with one heck of a lot of patience and and a lot of time to kill. (See, school is already teaching me lessons in patience! LOL!)

I was fully prepared to wait in various lines here for hours and hours--because that's usually how it goes around here. BUT....

I am more than happy to report that in all, all of my "school business" took just 90 minutes!

An hour and a half, folks--how cool is that! That's all the time it took to pay my bill, get my books and talk to three or four different people--all of whom were as nice as pie!

I can barely believe it, I'm so blessed!

(This shorter than expected wait time today, along with friends, Discount Tire and great food & fun the last 11 days is making this year so great! :)

I am so glad I changed my attitude on the way over here--and that I'm not letting my "trapped in a cage" no time to myself in my own darn house--feeling, get to me.

I am bothered by the fact that I literally have not had the house to myself (for five minutes) since Dec. 16th, almost a month ago--but I'm so glad that I'm not letting that seep into other areas of my life! Yay!

I'm so happy that I'm going back to school--this takes COURAGE--which is one of my goals for 2011--as you all know!

I'm taking Math and Creative Writing--the math I know will be hard at times, but I also know that I can totally do it! The Creative Writing Class I've wanted to take since I started college 11 years ago--so it's about damn time!

Again, I'm so proud of myself for having the courage to put myself back out there and take control of my future! I'm EVEN MORE GRATEFUL that this isn't costing me an arm and a leg, and I live in a country where Higher Education (even if it as a Community College) is available to me! Yay God!

Oh, and also, my books--they didn't cost too much either! I was pleasantly surprised and get this--NOW you can RENT books! What will they think of next? Actually, I want to know why they didn't think of this MUCH earlier, but I digress.....

Anyway, sincerely, I'm so happy that everything worked out concerning my schooling and I'm so glad I'm here!

I am super excited for my classes to start in around two weeks!

Yes, I'm a little worried about how I'll balance it all; work, school, homework, personal life, me time, etc....

But I know I will.

God never gives us more than we can handle and I really feel like school is where I'm supposed to be right now.

I'm so happy to be going back to school, excited for all the new things I'll laern (in & out of the classroom), all the new people I'll meet and the fun experiences I'll gain!

That being said, I do feel kidna old.

I know 27 is NOT old, but it's certainly not 18 or 20, or even 22 for that matter. Not that I'd actually want to be any of those ages again, but I am older than many of the other students here. That's okay, though, it's not like I look 40 or anything. LOL!

Anyway, I am really loving 2011 so far. I really am learning--again--that WHAT I MEDITATE UPON I BECOME!

Where I put my mind and my thoughts is EXACTLY what ends up happening!!!

I miss my grandma A LOT the last two days, but I know that she would want me to go on and live my life and enjoy it--and that's exactly what I'm doing!

This year has been so fun so far, and really working out! Yesterday, I could've flipped out (worried needlessly) over a few things, but I didn't--instead, I remained calm and realized that I would get out of the situation what I put into it! And I did!

Half of life is really just showing up--I'm glad I'm showing up. It's so nice (that lately) I have so much to show up for!!!

I need to go and do other things now--but I am just so blessed!

I'm also happy to have things working out for me and to be excited about life again!

I KNEW great things would happen this year, and so far, I was right--well, actually, it's just God blessing me even further. It's just Him showering me with even more be thankful for, which I am--tremendously, absolutely grateful! So, thank You, Lord, for it all!

Here's to a terrific week, oh and Happy Birthday to Naomi Judd today--definitely an inspiring woman there! Here's to many more fantastic years, Naomi!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. There are a few other things totally bothering me right now--I am fighting depression a bit--BUT...I'm just staying busy, breathing, eating right (except for the MeatLoaf binge over the weekend) and "fakin' it 'till I make it". I really do need to stay focused on ALL that IS right and good and fair in my life! I NEED to keep counting my blessings--even in face of adversity--and let's face it, my adversity is not that adverse right now. So, really, it's all good! Life is what you make it, at any age, and so far, for me--27 rocks! :)

So Much Fun: Mom's Delicious Meatloaf, Time with Friends, & Enjoying Life!

2011-01-10T22:20:00.000-08:00

To be honest, I'm in a meat coma right now, yes, you heard me right--a meat coma. I've eaten more meat in the last 24 hours than I have in a long, long time.

I used to be a vegetarian, I'm not anymore. (And I am so glad I'm not!)

Go ahead and judge me, or cheer me on, I really don't care--all I know is I'm not a vegetarian right now because I don't feel like being one.

Will I be one again someday? Probably, yes. I certainly have much more energy when I don't eat meat, but....

My mother made a huge meatloaf last night and it is so good, I literally have eaten half the loaf in 24 hours.

I know, I'm supposed to be a person who can exert some self control, but this meatloaf is so darn delicious that it reminded me of everything I love about my mom's cooking. You all think I can cook, this is why--she is why--because I learned from the very best--my mom, and my grandma.

Seriously, folks, my mom cooked all the time when I was growing up. Real, fresh, homemade food. And she made many meat loafs too, but NONE like this. The meatloaf my mom made last night is hands down, one of the most delicious, amazing things I have EVER put in my mouth. It's one of those "meals" I'll remember forever--seriously!

To top it off, she made a side of sauteed squash and eggplant, which was equally delectable! But, since I tried the meatloaf first and was in absolutely seventh heaven, when I opened the bowl of veggies I thought "I don't really want these," Yes--ME! (Then I thought 'this must be what other people think about veggies') was more into the meat than the veggies--go figure! But, once I tasted the veggies, my oh my--I was IN LOVE!

Each time I've had a slice of meatloaf today (three times so far) I've had a HUGE side of veggies too! So, I don't feel so bad. LOL!

This is SO unlike me, I'm NOT a huge meat eater. And as a former vegetarian, I do feel tremendously guilty about eating what is essentially--ground cow--but man oh man does it taste GOOD! This is a total 180* switch from my food habits a year or two ago.

But, my pallet is changing, I guess. I don't want to become a meat-loving, veggie disliking person--at all, I still LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my veggies, and still prefer them over meat. But, all I'm saying is, right now,--my goodness--my mother's meatloaf is pretty much as good as it gets! So, thanks, mom!

In all fairness, my mom doesn't cook too often anymore, and if and when she does, she makes her usual hash browns--which I also love and adore. It's totally fair that I do most of the cooking for her now--she pretty much made my every meal for me the first ten years of my life. But, once in a while, when she DOES cook, and I get to taste a remnant from my childhood. That's when I'm glad fully reminded just how awesome of a cook my mother is--and it brings me such joy!

Really, don't most people love their mom's cooking? I certainly do!

Aside from the meat-induced coma I'm in right now, I'm just plain tired.

I'm tired from the TREMENDOUS FUN I've had so far this year! Granted, we're only 10 days in, but so far, it's been SO FUN! I have had the most fun at work, with my co-workers and bosses; with my friends and their kids; with my home-life and celebrating birthdays. It's been just fantastic!

Sure, it's had its difficult moments, but overall, so far, 2011 is the most fun I've had in a long time! I'm working hard (as hard as my body will let me that is, which isn't very, admittedly) and playing hard, and yet, making time to relax (I have to!).

I have places to go, things to do and people to see--and I'm in demand! Even though at times, I feel a bit overwhelmed with it all, I gotta say--it's so nice to be needed and wanted.

It's nice to know you make a difference in peoples' lives, that people count on you for certain things, that people want your advice and opinions and that people will listen. It's equally--no better--to spend time listening to them! I just love it!

I am having so much fun so far this year that I can barely believe it! I am tired at night but at least I fall into bed, tired, from an honest days work--whether that was work in the form of my job or my relationships. I take time to rest, like I said, I cannot not do that--I'll wind up sick if I don't stop and rest. But, honestly, my life is busy enough again to need a planner--and while I do schedule time to relax and have "free/me" time--it's nice to be busy again!

It's so nice to be enjoying each day like this, and having this much fun!

Today, I went to a movie with my mom ("Country Strong" it was not what I thought'd it be, but it was good anyway), and before that, I sat on my bedroom floor and sang as the sun was going down. Last night, I went to the Cosmopolitan Casino and was amazed by a casino (which doesn't happen as I was literally in the womb in one). The day before that, I got to hang out with some good friends and their amazing kids. I've also spent A LOT of time on the phone (and emailing back and forth) with Tessa planning her wedding--that too is SO much FUN!

I am so blessed--I am getting to have fun with people, and myself and just be busy. I'm not so busy I don't take time to stop. I'm not so busy that I'm missing out on the little things.

For instance: the stars in the nighttime sky a week ago tonight were positively awesome! Seeing the actual stars in Vegas is such a rarity because it's so bright here--we're literally the brightest spot on Earth! The star gazing I did in the middle of the night on Jan. 3rd was just fabulous!

I'm enjoying my coffee, my hot showers, Cetaphil Lotion (my new favorite beauty product), my leisurely winter baths, the drives to and from work and fantastic new music (I got CD's for my birthday/Christmas, remember?). I'm enjoying talking with my friends. I'm (enjoying) spending time with people I love. Which is one of my goals for 2011--I did a lot of that in 2010 and wanted to continue it, because in all honesty--it's the only thing we can give and never regret having given--our time with precious loved ones! I'm enjoying singing, and eating, and listening!

There IS room for it all, if I do a bit of it all. Not everything, I still have to pick and choose just what it is I'll do in a day--we all do. But, I'm finding a balance, I'm finding peace and health and courage and kindness.

So, ten days in, 2011 is pretty good. I know that what I sit here and thank God for, I will inevitably get more of! I know that the rest of the year will be what I make it out to be.

My greatest hope is that I continue to have this much fun--every single day--and that I continue to enjoy it this much, because I really am!

Just for the record, I'm having clean fun, as always. I'm not down on the strip partying my butt off or clubbing around. I'm working and doing chores and what not. But, I find it all so fun--that's all! (Well, maybe cleaning my toilet isn't so fun, but hey, at least I have a toilet to clean and indoor plumbing!)

I'm really happy right now, and once this meat-loaf coma lifts, I know I'll have a ton more energy!

As for the meat loaf binge...who cares? It was worth it, and I certainly won't have an iron deficiency now. LOL! (Beef contains a lot of Iron)

I'm so thankful to my mom for making that meatloaf, for Colin having another birthday (he too survived another crazy year) and for my friends and my family. I'm thankful to Levi for marrying Tessa so that we can have so much fun planning their wedding! I'm thankful to my co-workers and bosses who make every day of work--lots of fun! (We work a lot too, don't get me wrong!). I'm thankful to God for all of the precious, fun gifts He gives me and the ability to enjoy it all!

Now, however, I'm off to bed--I seriously need to sleep!

Thank You, again, Lord, for it all--please let me remain focused each day--on Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness (I've been finding all four, at some point or another, each day this year--so far, so good! I'm hitting all my goals--somehow, someway, in that respect!)--and please keep it all FUN!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. I just wanted to give a shout-out to the guys at Discount Tire here in Vegas! They are terrific! They are always so nice and kind to me and really take care of me. They "fixed" my tire for "free" the other day, even though it might've been a little flat and even though I did tip them! Okay, my tire wasn't literally flat, but they were fearing that it might go flat on me, so they took the whole thing off and thoroughly checked it out, even replacing a valve on it for me--too fantastic, guys--thank you so, so, so, very much! I am blessed!

Happy New Year! 1/1/11: Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness!

2011-01-01T16:26:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

It is January 1st, the first day of 2011....1,1,11--get it?

I am feeling SO MUCH better today! I slept SO WELL and I think that helped a lot! I am feeling positive and loved today, so that's so nice!

As long as I stay busy today, I'm alright.

I had a nice remainder of New Year's Eve and stayed up 'till 4am this morning just thinking.

And I thought "For once, I don't want to sit here and think and analyze stuff. I just want to get up and do--whatever it is I feel like doing, I'm going to do it. I've got the weekend off and it's all mine!"

So, that's what I'm doing today--exactly what I want to do. I'm planning for the New Year, writing Thank You Notes, driving around, singing, writing and setting goals. Doing my best to stay positive, be in the moment and enjoy the glorious-ness that is the New Year! WELCOME 2011, I am so damn glad to see YOU!:)

I honestly believe that each day can, and is, a new beginning. I personally don't need New Year's Resolutions to feel hopeful, but since it is New Year's and there is something so special and hopeful about this day....I do have a few Resolutions myself.

My goals for 2011 are:

Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness.

Not just for myself, but for those around me.

I'm going to take a few trips and I'm going to officially become an Auntie! I'm so excited! I'm going to see my sisters, my Dad, my best friend and I'm going to see the Ocean too!

Other than that, I could sit here and list all types of goals and what I want.(And I will) But, I think I'm going to TRY and go with the flow. Try would be the operative word.

I'm in between right now--I know I need a plan for this year--plans are necessary--but I don't need such a huge plan that I'm devastated if it's broken. I had lots of plans last year, some of them worked out, some didn't. I think having a loose plan is important--having each day mapped out, that's not me this year.

It's not that I don't want certain things this year, I definitely do.....

I want to work a lot more on my writing and actually publish something.

I want to continue cooking more and trying different cuisines--cooking and eating them!

I want to continue working on being less judgemental and more compassionate.

I want to continue setting boundaries--and learning the fine line between boundaries and walls. Boundaries keep me safe, sane and healthy--walls keep people out. I don't want to keep people out--I want to establish boundaries within myself, and with others so that I can have more peace, and more health. Setting boundaries takes courage, though, so that's where the courage thing comes in.

I want to stay on track financially--or at least be aware of where my money is going when it's getting spent.

I want to continue adjusting to this new "normal" without my grandmother and do my best to honor her.

I want to continue looking fabulous or rather, having personal hygene and caring about how I look. Sorry if that sounds shallow, but I think if you look good, you feel good--and if you feel good, you look good. It's all connected. I don't NEED to wear make up or look a certain way, I just want to feel good and look good. I want to have confidence in how I do look, even if it's imperfect--because really, who DOES look perfect in real life?

Note: I did wake up this morning with gloriously CLEAR skin, for which I am so grateful! What a fantastic way to start off the New Year! Yay! Happy 2011 to me!

I want to read more!

I want to continue a balance to my life of time alone, time with friends and time with family. I also want to continue going to Church and Meditation Group--and above all, continue on my Spiritual Path. BUT....perhaps in a less "testing" sort of way than I did last year.

I want to see more movies, learn more about Art and keep up my musical affinity!

I want to continue to marvel at the precious little things in life: the change of seasons, fresh flowers, sunsets, good cups of good coffee, the kindness of strangers and the reaching out of loved ones.

I want to let go of old crap and habits that aren't serving me well anymore.

I want to continue developing my sense of style and own unique personality.

I want to stay true to who I am, and what I know is right for me.

I want to have the courage to be that person in a kind, peaceful and yet assertive way, that people admire and respect.

I want to sing more, laugh more and cry less--but allow myself to cry if I need too, because I ALWAYS feel better after I do!

I want to get another kitty this year, at some point! I'm going to name her Emma Jane.

I want to make things right with a few people in my life--whose names shall remain only in my heart. (Again, this takes courage and kindness--and will bring me better health & more peace.)

I want to enjoy life and above all, while I want to be real & genuine....

I also want to stay positive!

And I want PEACE.....

See, every single goal I just stated traces itself directly back to

My Four Main Goals for 2011:
Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness!

If I stay in line with those, I think I'll be just fine!

I'm both scared and ultimately, EXCITED, about what this year will bring and everything I will learn throughout it--

but I'm ready for it and most of all, I'm OPEN to it!

I want to breathe in the sweet smell of optimism!

I want to ring in this New Year with a smile on my face and lots of Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness surrounding me!

And so far, I am doing just that....I really am.

Thank You, Lord, for easing my Depression, for lifting my mood and my outlook for giving me that Inner-Knowing, that Inner-Voice that is always speaking so clearly to me when I'm willing to turn down the negative energy and step out of my depression--if only for a moment. Thank You for directing my path and always leading me back to the Light! Thank You for four clearly stated goals--and four precious words and energies that mean so much--here's to Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness for all of us, throughout 2011 & beyond!

Happy New Year!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. I'm not feeling perfect today. But I am feeling RELIVED and HOPEFUL! I have a peace about certain things, and other things are totally cramping my style. But, the main thing I feel today is BETTER, MORE POSITIVE and RELIEVED! And honestly, that's good enough for me. I can't expect to feel totally awesome every day, but I can be overwhelmed with gratitude (which I am) and happiness at the sheer difference in how I felt yesterday, and how I feel today! Thank goodness! I am really just relieved, I survived 2010, and I KNOW, in my heart, that no matter what--I will survive 2011 too! So, here's to the New Year--bright with relief, peace and hope!

Last Hour of 2010 in Pacific Standard Time...Going through my "Feel Good File"!

2010-12-31T23:01:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to write again this year--literally. I was going to go in my room and quietly ring in the New Year! Graciously ring it in, of course, but not write again. And then I decided to go through my Hope Chest at the end of my bed. I got the "chest" when I was seven years old, back then, it was a Toy Box, that I think someone made for me, but I'm not sure. Anyway, twenty years later, as an adult, it is my Hope Chest. I don't own anything uber expensive, but I am a sentimal kind of person. I'm sensitive, I feel things so deeply--and so intrinsicly--all of it, good and bad and in between. So, when I was feeling down today (Yes, I'm fighting depression) I decided to go through all of my Birthday and Christmas Cards I got this year. When I gathered them all up, put them in a ziplock baggie (my Card Storage System, for some reaeson) and went to put them in my Hope Chest, I suddenly saw all of my other cards from years past. So, I got them out. I sat on my bedroom floor and went through the last five years of Birthday and Christmas Cards--and I was humbled. I found cards from nearly everyone who's been anyone in my life over the last five years and I was truly touched. To be honest, some people did totally miss my birthday this year,(not everyone, a lot of people acknowledged it, but some did not--again, not that anyone owed me a nice birthday, just saying, it was a first that some people totally forogt about it that's all) and to be even more honest, that did sort of hurt my feelings. I know it's NOT personal--it's a busy time of year, people are strapped for cash, and I get that. But, it was just hard. Anyway, as I was reading the cards and such from the last five years it reminded me of how loved I really am. It reminded that people DO care about me, that they DO love me and admire me. That I DO inspire them. (That's what I really want, to inspire people, to help them. They sure help me.) Sometimes, I forget that. Sometimes, I get so caught up in what's wrong with the world, and what's difficult in my life, that I easily forget that people do care. The other night, I posted something sort of negative on Facebook (I did NOT badmouth anyone and I wasn't totally bummed) and I got all sorts of responses about how I should be positive and focus on my gifts in my life--and I don't mean the THINGS in it. I was totally offended because: first off, I'm HUMAN. I'm entitled to have down days and I have a right to being human, not always so perky and positive. Secondly, I am a lot of things, but un-grateful is NOT one of them. Even in my darkest moments, in the depth of depression--I am still abundantly, overhwelmingly grateful for ALL that I have. At ANY given moment, I can honestly name ten to twenty things I am grateful for right then and there--and it's not always the same things. I'm grateful for little things and big things and all the things in between. And just because I have a bad day, or am struggling with something--does not mean I'm no longer grateful for all that I have. I KNOW how blessed I am, I KNOW how tremendous my life is. I KNOW how strong I am. But, I'm also human, and at 27, in the week since I've been this age--I no longer care to pretend that I'm perfect. I no longer care to be someone other than who I really am--a spiritual being having a human experience. I'm growing, I'm changing--yes, I want to change for the better. But plasting a smile on my face when I'm clearly NOT okay is not going to serve me in the long run. I can try my best to be happy, continue to learn the lessons that life is trying to teach me, strengthen both my spirit and my faith--and continue to show gratitude for all that I have. And I WANT to do all of that, I really do. But, I can't be happy and positive and perky all the time. At the end of the day, yes, that is totally who I am. But I need to give myself the freedom to be real. In the last year, I have focused on honesty. If I haven't shared something here, it's because I didn't want to share it, not because I felt like lying about it. I don't want to be a negative, cruchety person who no one wants to be around, and I want to continue to inspire people and remind them of the greatness of life--because life is great. But, it's also hard, and I also want to be real. It used to be that my optimism alienated me from some people, and now, my honesty seems to be alieanating me from some people--quite weird, if you asked me. The point is--all I want is the freedom to be who I am--whoever that is, at any given moment. Everyone else complains so damn much about EVERYTHING, so why am I not allowed to do the same sometimes? What's good for the goose is good for the gander and I want to be gander for once--just once, that's all I ask! LOL! Anyway, I wasn't planning on spending the last night of 2010 remicnising, but I am so darn glad I did. All those cards and such from beloved friends and family--most of whom, thankfully, are still alive & in my life today--reminded me of just how positive I can be. Just how positive I want to be. They reminded me, again, how much I contribute to the world and what a difference I have made in peoples' lives. (Kind of like the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" kind of thing--that's what I experienced tonight, and it is truly, a WONDERFUL life, indeed!) I'm not saying this to gloat or pat myself on the back--it's just something that I needed to be reminded of. I was feeling down, I was depressed, I was feeling like no one cared at all--and by going through my Hope Chest, and getting all sentimental--I was reminded that YES, I AM GOOD and I AM WORTHY. I was not at all thinking about running away or ending my life, THAT I would NEVER, EVER, EVER do. But, you know, we're all human--we all have bad days, we all have moments when life just gets to be too much--and it's percisely at those moments that we need those special reminders from peopel who care! I'm glad I have those--the reminders and especially the people! It's nice to know you're cared about, and thought about, and loved and admired. Moments like this are exactly why I keep such things--cards and letters and so on. I keep the sentimental stuff for when I'm feeling down--my "feel good" file as an author friend of mine likes to call it. And we all need a "feel good" file. Not that we need others to sustain us, but sometimes, we do need them to remind us. I'm so glad I was reminded tonight. I'm so glad I can ring in the New Year with a better attitude. I don't want to be all depressed, but sometimes, we just are. I can't wait for the New Year--less than an hour away! Awesome! I can't believe it's almost 2011, but thank God it is! I DO know, even through the depression I feel sometimes, that life IS what I make it. (I even said that in the previous entry on here). Even through tough times, I KNOW good and well that what I send out into the universe, I will get back--tenfold! Shoot, I gave scarves for Christmas gifts this year, and I endd up receiving three of them as Christmas gifts this year--see what I mean--what goes around comes around, literally. I know, have seen and totally believe in reaping what you sew--and I totally believe in Karma! I want my karma to be lovely and enjoyable! I want to build good karma--and I certainly don't want my Karma to be a bitch--not at all! LOL! Anyway, I hope 2011 brings me less tears, more fun, more joy and above all, PEACE! I think 2010 was all about acceptance, and I think 2011 will be all about peace. I'm not saying I won't have to struggle to find it, but that is what I really want--PEACE! Peace within myself, peace within my relationships, peace within my heart. I have felt it many times throughout 2010, and hope to feel it even more in 2011!!! And most of all, I hope you all feel it too--I think that's what we all want, the peace and love of friends and family and faith and God! So, thank You, Lord, for making me just as You did--a little bit different. For making me a peace-seeking, family loving, grateful, faithful, strong and steady Person who NEVER doubts that her deepest identity comes from You! Thank you for a renewed sense of spirit, strength and optimisim, in the New Year! Here's to a fantastic 2011 and a continued kinship wtih You, family and life itself! Let's make it great! Happy New Year!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Last Day of 2010!!

2010-12-31T17:33:00.000-08:00

It's officially the LAST day of 2010 today, and I am SO GLAD for that!

You know, if I'd have been smart and saved up for tonight, I could've gotten a hotel room in the famous city that I live in, but alas, here I am at home--celebrating quietly, as I tend to do every New Year's Eve.

Perhaps one of these New Year's Eve I'll go out and party and do it up right--but honestly, it scares me. Too many people, too much noise, too many drunks--I'd rather stay home and stay alive than go out and get smashed with a bunch of others also getting smashed, and then possibly risk my life trying to find my way home.

Sorry to sound all "Debbie Downer,"-ish, but it's also true.

I'd like to sit and write about how great this year has been, but it hasn't. It hasn't been awful, but it hasn't been great. 2010 will go down, for me, as one of the most difficult years of my life. Any way I slice it, even with ALL of the abundant miracles and every day blessings I was given, it was just a tough year. Let's call it like it is.

Now I have to process and let go of all the bad, keep all the good and keep thanking God for all of the tremendous ways He gifted me this year. Because He has. I want to continue to pass these "tests" with flying colors!

2010 was definitely a life-changing year that I won't ever forget....

But, rather than look back, I want to look FORWARD....

to a bigger, better, brighter year! To new beginnings and the premise of peace that is upon us!

It's like Tessa and I said today , at the same time too, "Sianara 2010, don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out!"

And that's honestly how I feel!

I was blessed this year, by so much, I spent time with those I love, I learned a lot. I enjoyed many parts of it.

But, I can't wait for 2011 to get here--it's going to be happier, fuller, richer, and a heck of a lot more peaceful! I know a lot of that is entirely up to me, but as God is my witness, 2011 WILL BE BETTER!

It has to be.....I know things could always be worse, but you know what, they could also get better. I believe in the better--I believe in hope and faith and love!

So, that's what I'm entering 2011 with--lots of hope, lots of faith and lots of love.

Because it ain't about what happened last year, it's about what's coming up.....and most of all, it's about right here and right now--it's cold outside but I have a warm home. I'm having a fantastic hair day, I'm reading some great books. I have a 4 day weekend (3 days of it left). I have my health and I have hot showers and electricity. Most of all, I have family. And friends, really, really amazing friends! So......

Goodbye 2011 and HELLO 2011--here's to an easier time for us ALL, more smiles, more laughter, more growth, more love and above all, more peace!

I wish each of you and yours a healthy, prosperous and PEACEFUL NEW YEAR!

Remember, "Peace begins within, and peace begins with me".....

Thank you, Lord, for knowing just when we've had enough and blessing us with the ushering in of new beginnings--You are awesome!

Happy New Year!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Merry Christmas!!!

2010-12-25T16:04:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Well, I'm doing my very best to enjoy this day. I was so concerned with enjoying my birthday and having a happy one (and I did), that it didn't occur to me that this Christmas would be hard. I was completely unprepared (even though I KNEW and have even written about it on this very blog) to face my first Christmas without Grandma and Nellie.

I know, I know, I sound like a broke record on here lately--and I'm sorry. But, this IS my first Christmas without my Grandma--ever....and my first Christmas as an ADULT without Nellie, I've never had one without her as an adult. So, it's kind of a double whammy there.

Still, though, it has been a good day--truthfully, there is a peace about this day--as there should be.

I mean, the Peace of Christ is pretty much what Christmas is all about. (Well, actually it is His Birth that is what it's all about. But, for me, Jesus' life meant even more than his birth--his birth was significant, and certainly a miracle--but for me, it's His Peace that means the most!)

I went to church last night and as I was sitting there in my seat, it hit me--"I miss my Grandma". I made it through my birthday without crying, but not today--and certainly not last night. Oh my goodness, I cried while at church, I probably looked like a freak, but I couldn't help it. And after I just let myself cry a little bit, I DID feel so much better!

I think that's the key, letting yourself cry when you need to. It's not like I had a total breakdown in public, but I think holding it in does you no good. I haven't held it in. Tears are healing and thankfully, they're mostly just because I miss her--not because I have any unfinished business with her. I'm so blessed by that.

Anyway, it was a good service with great music (I rocked out). I ended up really enjoying it! The candles that we all lit up at the end of the service, and how we ALL sang (about 1,500 people) "Silent Night," (my Grandma's favorite Christmas Song) was incredibly beautiful! I'm glad I went, it was a nice way to celebrate the real Reason for the Season!

Today, I woke up early and opened some presents with my mom.....Colin didn't want to get up and I wasn't waiting on Christmas morning. We all turn into kids again at Christmastime, and that's one of my favorite things about it! I waited all month long to open a few gifts and see my mom and Colin open theirs--I wasn't waiting anymore. So, Colin and I opened our gifts later this afternoon, which was really nice too. But, anyway, this morning, opening gifts with my mom--that was neat. Because I did so slowly, I was able to "spoil" her a bit this year, and that was so nice. She liked everything she got and so did I....we both hauled in!

I got 3 scarves, a watch, boots, the book Project Happily Ever After ,a necklace, a cute Mickey & Minnie Christmas Coffee Cup, 3 CD'--including Reba's new one!!! I haven't gotten CD's as gifts in 10 years, back when I turned 17 so it was so great to receive them! It used to be all I asked for. I also got Sea Island Cotton Lotion, Cotton Scented Socks (Christmas ones, from my mother-in-law), Lavender Socks (from my mom, for my Birthday), a Target Gift Card, a Best Buy Gift Card, a Maggianos Little Italy Gift Card, a Bare Essentials Gift Card, beautiful greeting cards and ring pop candy suckers. A throwback to my childhood, for sure! All and all, between both my Birthday and Christmas--I did pretty good, and I got way more than I thought I would or asked for. It's very humbling and nice and sweet. It was a good Birthday/Christmas indeed!

I talked to my Dad today, and that was nice too. We hadn't talked in six months--we spoke briefly on my birthday and then he called again today--leaving me a message on my phone that said "expect a call every hour on the hour until I track you down." I thought that was funny. I was rocking out to my new CD's, so I didn't hear the phone. But, anyway, it was really nice to speak with him. I enjoyed it.

I also talked to Henry today, and of course, he misses Grandma too. I feel for him so much because I can't even imagine the pain he's going through. The loss he too is facing--that's his wife, and this is his first Christmas without his beloved too. I pray for him everyday--and I hope he finds some semblance of peace today. Most of all, I know that my family is eternally blessed to have in our lives. He is a man of strength, integrity and honor and God Bless him for standing by my Grandma and helping her this difficult transition in her life. Henry is downright amazing--and it was absolutely wonderful to talk with him.

And my Uncle Bob called me today too. I think that's the best part of Grandma being gone now--it's driven us all closer together in a way. Not that there's any part of her being gone that is good--but you HAVE to look on the bright side, you know. You have to find the silver lining and count the blessings in any situation, because if you don't, you'll go crazy and miss out on so much wonderful.

I can miss my Grandma today, as her children and husband miss her as well. I can feel sad and relive the happy memories. I can thank God for giving me such a wonderful relationship with such a fantastic Grandma.

If I had never really known her, if I had not been so close with her--I might not be hurting as much. I know I wouldn't miss her as much. But, I'd rather be here--feeling the loss and the grief and the pain--than to have never had my grandma in my life at all. I simply cannot imagine how my life would be, or who I would be, without her. So, I can thank God for all of the above. I can also thank Him for over two decades' worth of Christmases & Birthday's with my Grandma...and I am doing just that.

I cannot, however, let her absence ruin my entire holiday season. I cannot allow my grief and pain to cause me to miss out on the present joy of Christmas. I cannot let my missing her ruin Christmas--it's not what she would want. She prepared me for this time, actually, I was the only one she prepared for this. And I'm so thankful for that. But, even through the grief and the pain, I MUST go on. I MUST live in my life, it is the very best way to honor her.

So, my Uncle Bob is doing good. It was so wonderful to chat with him. My Uncle and I were always close--I'm his only niece so we've always had a special bond. But, lately, him, my mother, Henry and I have become a real team-all rallying together--behind Grandma. It's nice...

That is my biggest Christmas gift right there!...

We may be missing a member of our family--but we still have each other--and that is what it's all about--whether it's Christmas Day or not.

What saddens me and scares me, is the day that none of them are here. (Parents & Uncle). I know that's part of life, the circle & cycle of life, I know. I'll have my own family, yes, but, I'm still pretty young, and none of us knows who will be here next Christmas, you know. Life is short, and beautiful, but fragile. I hope I still have at least a decade or two full of Christmases left with all of my family. But, that's why it's so important to cherish each person, and each day, you have with them. It truly is a gift!

Hey, I just cheered myself up!

Anyway, in all honesty, I spent most of the day listening to music--burying myself in its solace. Christmas Music, regular music--just singing and playing and relishing in the beautiful sounds and words of both new and old, and favorite, music. It really does heal in a way that nothing else does! Thank God for music!

I like stripped down Christmas Music because it reminds of a simpler time. I think that's how it must've sounded back then, back at the Original Christmas. They had music that Christmas too!

There is just something so special and grand about this time of year. And even if you're facing a difficult time, a tough re-adjustment, or the loss of a loved one--it's still beautiful. It's a miracle.....

And my life is full of those. I may have a lingering sadness, and a feel a tinge of emptiness--but I am still here. I'm breathing easy today and my hair looks great! I have a home and heat and I just turned 27--which is so cool! It feels good so far, I like it.

Everyone says it's a great age, so we'll see, I already think it is but it'll be interesting to see how it pans out! Wow, I've got a whole year ahead of me--then I'll turn 28. Geeze, one thing at a time! LOL! Whew.

It's gorgeous weather today, cold enough to be Christmas, but I'm not knee deep in snow. And it's been mellow. I'm glad I'm enjoying my Christmas regardless of what's going on around me. At least I know where my Grandma is--I don't have a loved one serving over seas in some God forsaken place. I don't have a loved one hooked up to a respirator and I'm not hooked up to one myself. I've been there, for quite a few Christmases actually. But, I digress. I didn't just lose a child and this is one of the most physically healthy Christmases I've ever had. My mother is still here--so is my Uncle, my best friend, my other friends and so much else! I really am blessed.....

but if I continue to write, I'm just going to get sad again. I'm done reflecting on the past year, we all know what it entailed, and some parts of it are still sad. But, hey, it's Christmas--and I still love it!

I'm celebrating life today--for Grandma, for Nellie (I miss her so, so very much too) for my parents, for myself and for Jesus--whose life started some 2,000 years ago. It is through His love and life and peace that I can celebrate the joy of Christmas today!

I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a wonderfully, happy, healthy--peaceful New Year!

Merry Christmas 2010, God Bless Us Everyone!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Happy 27th Birthday to Me!!!

2010-12-23T21:03:00.000-08:00

Hello!

I am offically 27 years old!!! And it feels SO GOOD! No, it's freaking FANTASTIC! Yay God!

I wrote my "Birthday Entry" yesterday. Today, I held good on my own promise that I made yesterday (that I would enjoy this day no matter what and that no one owed me a good birthday). I have truly enjoyed the moment! I have had a fabulous birthday filled with lots of love, fun and terrific company! It has been a pleasure!

Instead of getting upset that certain people didn't call me, I called them instead. Instead of getting angry that certain people didn't give me a card, I told them--very politely--that I was hurt, but I forgave them. Their card showed up later!

I got up around 8:30am even though I did not sleep well (too excited, I guess). I meditated and right at the moment I was born, my best friend called me! She said she didn't know that but it was perfect timing anyway! Very cool! We chatted for a bit, talked about the real Spirit of Christmas (and how it's sometimes harder to find it as an adult) and laughed!

I also enjoyed three delicious cups of coffee--yummy!

Then I spent a bit of time with my mom, gave her a present (I always do that on my birthday) and took a walk by myself. The sun finally came out today which was so nice because it's been cloudy for about a week around here. It was warm enough to not freeze while walking outside, but also cold enough to be my birthday! Yay!

Then I went with one of my favorite people to TGI Friday's and that was loads of fun! We laughed and scarfed down our lunches of Pizza (her) and Bruchetta Spaghetti for me! Why I didn't think of that, I will never know, but I digress.....

After that, we came home and chilled out watching a little TV and then I went out to The Orleans Casino--but not before getting all dressed up again--in my Black Velvet Spaghetti Strap Dress, Black Cinderella Shoes, new necklace and gold shawl! I looked pretty sharp!

It was fun to get dressed up again, I always do that on my birthday--I start off in comfy PJ's--which I pick out the night before with careful care. I mean, it's what I'll be turning another age in so any old PJ's won't do. Sorry, that's just me. Then I get casual (usually a sweater and jeans, and today a cute new hat!) and then at night time, I get all gussied up and put on a gorgeous dress and go out! It's such fun! Even though my "Official" Birthday Dinner was the other night (Sunday, the 19th) it was still fun to go out again, even if only because I was all dressed up! LOL!

Anyway, it was a good day......

I hauled in too!! I got 2 beautiful new scarves, a gorgeous Silver & Amethyst Necklace, touching cards, a super cute hat (that I wore most of the day), soft purple socks and a host of Birthday Wishes from my friends on Facebook! It was truly a lovely day!

Birthdays, though, are not about getting presents and gifts--it's about celebrating life and celebrating how far you've come, and how far you'll go! I hope I do that myself, not just on my birthday, but every day! My birthday is just a special occasion for other to celebrate all that WITH me, and that's what makes it so special!

I feel loved and adored. People today said I was graceful and strong--two words I hope I can always identify with. I'm certainly not perfect, and like any human, I've got my flaws--but it truly touches me when people take the time out to say I've inspired them or helped them--because really, that's what it's all about!

As long as I continue to help others, and inspire them. As long as I continue to have grace and strength and faith--than I'll be doing good!

Again, it's not about getting old, it's about GROWING old--and while I'm not old yet (not even close, I'm only 27!), I am growing older--and I truly love that! It's a privilege and an honor and a blessing! I wasn't supposed to make it past 10, let alone 27--so ha ha ha--I fooled you! LOL!

Seriously, I am so blessed to be celebrating 27 years of life today--27 years of miracles and family and friends! 27 years of laughter and tears and smiles and joys! 27 years of lessons and fun and finding myself--and God--again and again and again!

It's a good day, today, and I hope and pray that I'm around for the next 27--it's a great number as far as I'm concerned. It has a good feel to it! Most of all, I just hope that I continue to channel love, hope and inspiration for my fellow men and women--because after all, I believe it's not "the years in your life, but the life in your years!" I've had many years already and I hope I always remember what it means to LIVE--each day that I'm given!

Thank You, Lord, for a glorious day--friendship, love and fun! Thank You for the Peace to truly enjoy it all and Thank You for every good thing you ever gave me! You are the reason for the Season (Christmas) and the reason for my Life!

I did feel the absence of my grandmother today, but still, it was a great birthday! Here's to all the great things that'll happen before the next one--and all the things I'll learn in between! I can't wait! :)

Happy 27th Birthday, to me!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Last Entry as a 26 Year Old & Turning 27: Birthday Eve Excitement & Contentment!

2010-12-22T22:35:00.000-08:00

"One of the signs of passing youth is the birth of a sense of fellowship with other human beings as we take our place among them."
- Virginia Woolf

I completely agree with what Miss Woolf said. This year, I have come sense the fellowship I have with my fellow human beings. I don't know if I've "taken" my place among them, but I've definitely come to understand the necessity of them.

At 26, I'm a lot less judgemental of others, I'm more compassionate. I'm not perfect, but I've recognized the need for others--and in the importance of reaching out to others when you need them. No one wants to be all alone, and no one accomplishes anything totally alone. I know that, and I try and live that every day. That's just one of the many lessons being 26 has taught me!

No wise man ever wished to be younger.
- Jonathan Swift

Boy, ain't that the truth! I honestly have NO PROBLEM getting older. Sure, I'm only in my late 20s, but still. It has never bothered me to add another birthday candle to the birthday cake. Not once. I think it's because I've always been ahead of myself (not that I'm some superior know-it all, because believe me, I'm not). I was constantly told that I have "an old soul," and am "wise beyond my years," even when I was 5 years old. So, to me, getting older is not something I dread, it is a privilege. So many people don't get to have another birthday, and so people do not get to grow old. Grow would be the operative word there--I don't ever want to GET old, but I do want to GROW old. As long as we're growing, we're living. And I sincerely am so grateful for every single birthday I am able to have. The fact that I'm healthy and able to enjoy it all, and the days in between the birthdays--it's a testament to so much--mainly, the Power of God! So, I absolutely concur--I do NOT wish to be a day younger than I am, and I hope I never do!

As you know, this is my last entry as a 26 year old woman, tomorrow, I turn 27--and I am so excited!

But, as it turns out, the age of 26 had one more thing to teach me. I honestly do not know why this has never occurred to me before, but it sure occurred to me tonight: I cannot expect ANYONE to make a Happy Birthday for me.

Just like every day life, my birthday will be what I make it.

Its happiness or success will NOT be dependent on others, for most, it just another day.

I can no more control a person's behavior on my birthday than I can any other day of the year.

Sure, I can hope and pray for a good birthday, I can even feel I deserve it--but, at the end of that birthday (about 24 hours from now), it will have been happy or not, based solely on how I chose to celebrate!

I will not, cannot and am not, going to let certain things ruin it for me. "Nobody's gonna rain on my parade!"

People have tried on my birthday before, not now.

A year ago right now, I was with my Grandma Elizabeth, I'm not now--and that makes me sad. This is my first birthday without her, but I KNOW she'd want me to have a happy one. I KNOW she'd want me to think of the past birthdays I've had with her, rejoice in them and look to future ones to come. And I'm okay today, I really am--I thought I'd be all sad because she's not here, but strangely, I have a peace. It's okay. I think somewhere deep down she knows it's my birthday tomorrow, perhaps that's just wishful thinking on my part, but I don't care. It's my (almost) birthday and I can dream big, right?! I think so!

My 26th Birthday really was one of my best EVER! But it turned out to be a rough year so I guess the quality of one's birthday does not predict the quality of the year ahead! I'm not going to worry about the year ahead tomorrow, though, I'm just going to enjoy the day for what it is and take each moment as it comes--a good philosophy for every day, I believe!

Anyway, I am determined to have a Happy 27th Birthday--I only get to turn 27 once--and if tomorrow is even half as good as last year's birthday., I'll be doing good!

I don't have to lift a finger tomorrow--the house is clean, the food is in the fridge, I've got meals lined up! Oh, it'll be great! A day to relax, enjoy, and do whatever I please! Yay! :)

So, good rid dens 26! Nice knowing you, it was interesting and life-changing and involved a lot of growing! I'll always appreciate the many, many lessons being 26 brought me, but man it feels good to be on the tail end of it! I am both excited and scared at what 27 will bring, but I'll wait patiently to find out and do my best to enjoy each moment of it. Here's to new beginnings and many more Happy, Healthy Birthday's for me!

Someone at work said I was born on Christmas Eve--Eve, and I kind of like that. It's fun! Tonight, though, I'm doing my annual Birthday Eve Bath--where I take a long, hot bubble bath and reflect on the past year. Since I've done PLENTY of that already, I think I'll spend my time in the tub looking FORWARD to all of the terrific things 27 will bring! How lovely! Thanks, mom, by the way, for having me and raising me to appreciate life and the relationships that make it so worth it!

*I wrote the following while sitting at work tonight. It was so slow in there, I had nothing else to do but write. I thought about how excited I was (and am) that tomorrow is my Birthday! Here's what came out:

I am SO excited that tomorrow's MY BIRTHDAY! I mean, really, I haven't felt THIS kind of EXCITEMENT for a Birthday since I turned 21, and even then, it wasn't like this. I ALWAYS get excited for my birthday, do not get me wrong. My birthday is always a huge deal to me, and while that may make me sound conceited, I honestly don't care. The fact that I'm still alive, and survived yet another year, oh my, that is such a reason to celebrate! This year, I just feel this weight off my shoulders, even though the world at large (my own little world and the cosmic universe itself) tried to bog me down, I didn't let it! I am SO READY to say GOOD RID DENS, 26--so glad I don't have to see you again! Actually, 26 has been a really good age--I've done some tremendous growing! I have gotten a self-confidence and a sure, quiet strength about myself that I didn't know I had in me. My friend, Sarah, and I were discussing this just yesterday--with 26, there comes a quiet strength, a resolve and inner-power that you suddenly are able to tap into. It's not that it wasn't there before, it's just that we didn't believe it was. We have been growing for a long time--Sarah, Tessa, Claudia and I are just like that. We're women who love to watch ourselves, and each other, grow. But, for Sarah, Tessa and I--all being 26 this year--we've realized that we've become WOMEN. Most of us have been married or in long-term committed relationships for a long time--but, now we're learning how to navigate them and ourselves. And separate ourselves from our identities and wives, daughters, sisters, friends and employees. I think that's so cool. We're also learning to be more assertive--NOT aggressive, NOT passive--but ASSERTIVE. When I was younger, people would always tell me I was assertive--and I liked that--but now, I'm assertive in a healthy way--because if you do it correctly, and are assertive in the right way--no one gets hurt. It isn't hurtful, it's helpful. I feel like I know how to stand up for myself now, but not in a "Screw You" kind of way--rather, a kind, quiet "This is where I stand, and we can agree to disagree" sort of way. I'm still a spit fire, I'm still stubborn--that'll never change, and quite frankly, I don't want it to. I like that quality about myself, it's kept me alive at times. But, I'm not as mule-headed as I once was, now, at 26, I learned to pick my battles. More over, with everyone around me being sick--I learned to focus on what really matters. I learned how to dig into issues, instead of argue about topics. Very cool! Anyway, I just feel like 27 is going to be good. I'm not sure exactly how or why, but I just know it's going to be good. 26, for me, in my life, was really hard--but I got through it! I lived, I learned, I loved, I managed it all quite well if I do say so myself (and my therapist agrees with me) and now, I'm SO READY to MOVE ON! I think one of the reasons I'm so excited about tomorrow, is because for me, I feel like it will be a RE-BIRTH-Day! You know, like a day where I leave the past in the past, stop talking about it incessantly and look to the future! It will be the day I FULLY EMBRACE another year of life--whatever it may bring (I said it would be good and easier, not perfect and easy)--and settle into a new and different age--with gratitude, solitude and grace! I really cannot ask for me! I owe it ALL to God--through Him ALL things are possible, and through Him, all thing are delivered! I hope I've let Him shine through me this year, and I KNOW He has good things in store for me next year--I hope to let my Light shine even bigger, brighter and better at 27 than I ever have before! I will get more organized, I will write more, I will publish something (or maybe 10 some thing's?), I will continue to make time with my loved ones a priority, and I will continue to love, live and enjoy every day--because none of us guaranteed another one. Not that I think I'm going anywhere, I'm not. I just know that it's important to me to enjoy each day, find some goodness and beauty in it and make the best of it. Not every day is over the top fabulous--but every day is miraculous. And I'm just over the moon that I've had 9,861 so far, and I'm looking forward the next 9,000 too.

Happy 27th Birthday to me, I made it! Yay! Praise God! Thank You for the most fabulous life, amazing people (family, friends & otherwise) and nearly 10,000 days of miracles!

Here's to the next 10,000 days....with You every step of the way! Praise God!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz

A Few of My Favorite Things

2010-12-20T16:53:00.000-08:00

In honor of the seasonal Christmas Song "These Are a Few of My Favorite Things" I thought I'd post a list of some of my favorite things--admittedly, much of this list is food, but hey, it makes me happy, so be it.

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Food Network & The Cooking Channel

The show "Friends," laugh every time!

Music! Especially Country Music, Classical Music & Christmas Music

Hearing the sound of my loved ones', or favorite singers', voices!

Speaking eloquently and fluently, when I'm heard and understood.

Overcoming a problem at work, tackling it head on and learning from it!

Becoming a better person, friend, sister, daughter and employee.

Learning from my mistakes

Perfectly cooked orzo with peas, leaks and spinach
(I had this at my birthday dinner last night and I am so making it again, at home! Yum!)

Dark Chocolate (Snickers)

Pay Day (both actual Pay Day AND the Candy Bar!)

Nutella Spread

Good Dark Organic Coffee
Freshly Popped Popcorn with real Butter
Losing myself in a fantastic movie--either at home or at the Movie Theater

Losing my self in a great book!

Writing!

Spending time with my loved ones

Spending time by myself

Meditating

DANCING!
Especially dancing in public with the music pumping and others dancing around me--it's so exhilarating and fun!

Sunsets

The Change of Season
Summer into Autumn, Autumn into Winter, Winter into Spring and Spring into Summer--I don't have a favorite Season anymore, I love them all, and truly enjoy the CHANGING of them the most!
Hot tea on a crisp, cold winter's night! (Or when I'm sick)

A hot shower whenever I'm cold

Air conditioning--seriously, it keeps me alive living in Vegas

The fact that my sister (Kelsey) is about to become a mother--I'm so proud of her I can't stand it!

Anything my Grandma Elizabeth made for me--green evening gowns, lavender ball gowns, my quilt, a hand-sawed cross to remind me of my faith, books, recipes. She has left me with so much, some of my treasured belongings, really.

Hearing any child laugh for any reason, but especially hearing the laughter of children I love and adore!

When I see teenagers at work, say "I love you, mom" or give their parents a hug when they're dropped off for class! So sweet!

My cell phone--my mom gave me her old one and I just adore it! It's so easy to text and I thank God I have a phone at all!

My camera

The ability, freedom and opportunity to DRIVE--all by myself!

My mom's hash browns

My own salad with my homemade Lemon Dressing

Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips

Christmas Trees

The memories that all of my Christmas Ornaments evoke and the ability to remember it all! Looking back on Christmases and Birthdays past and how loved I always feel this time of year! Amazing!

Cards
Birthday Cards, Sincere Cards, Just Because Cards, doesn't matter. Given to others or received--cards are truly one of my favorite things! (I love picking cards out for my loved ones all year long--writing them out, sending them off. Receiving cards--especially this time of year for my birthday! I just LOVE it!)

Books

The ability to read
Being able to take a deep breath in and breathe in and out

Brushing my teeth

Well groomed hands & pretty nails--whether I do them myself (which I usually do) or have them done. I love it when my hands are well-manicured.

Lotion

Dove Intense Moisture Hair Conditioner

Photos of times gone by

Fresh flowers--Roses, Hydrangeas, Tulips & Lily's imp articular

Trees--and the leaves they shed and grow back depending on the time of year. Seriously, I love trees!

The Ocean
The smell of the ocean, the sea salt and dampness in the ocean air around it--whether it's cloudy or sunny, hot or cold--I don't care. I just LOVE the ocean!

Mountains--born and raised near them, couldn't live away from them. America really does have "Purple Mountains Majesty". Truly.

Purple--the color, lavender, plum, eggplant--I love the color purple!

I also love the colors Baby Blue and Green

The fact that I've met all but one of my favorite singers ever! And that one sang to me even!

Learning new stuff

Laughing with friends

A honest day's work

Sleep

My Hair

The fact that I can walk and go up and down stairs, most of the time, without too much effort.

The fact that I don't do drugs, smoke or drink too often. I'm proud that I'm a "goody two shoes" and drug/smoke free! I really am!

Therapy--yes, therapy, I think it's a great thing!

Homemade Peanut Brittle and Toffee (I don't make those, I just really appreciate it when others do)

Fried Potatoes (I already mentioned hash browns and potato chips, I also love French Fries!)

Doughnuts

My Grandma Elizabeth's, or Kylie's, Apple Pie(s)! Scrumptiously delicious!

Homemade Soup--particularly my vegetable soup!

A hug from Mom--any mom, actually, especially mine!

When football season is over--sorry, I don't hate it anymore, but I love it when it's over!

Fresh fruit

My fuzzy robe

Socks

Mascara and an eyelash curler

Bare Minerals Foundation (LOVE it!)

Cooking

Eating out

Keeping up with friends and family

Christmas, Easter & Thanksgiving!

My birthday, and the birthday of anyone I love!

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There you have it, those are some of my favorite things!

Thank You, Lord, for so many blessings and wonderful things (and people) in my life!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

I Love Being a Girl: Dressing Up & Birthday Dinners

2010-12-19T16:59:00.000-08:00

This time of year, there is so much to dress up for, and I love dressing up!

Most of all, I love dressing up for my Annual Elegant Birthday Dinner....it's so much fun!

Shaving my legs, getting lotioned up, doing my hair and make up extra special (more than I do on a regular day), and slipping into an ultra chic, ultra gorgeous dress. Usually, I wear one that my Grandma made me (I got one every year 'till I turned 18) and this year is no different. Actually, especially because of the absence of my Grandma--that is the reason I'm wearing a dress she made me--to keep her a part of my special birthday celebration. I'm so incredibly, tremendously grateful for 26 birthdays WITH her, and she will remain a part of each one from here on out. The great part of not being a kid anymore is that I'm done growing, so tonight--I'm recycling my 18th Birthday Dress which is Green Silk. I'm wearing a red evening bag with it to make it look more Christmas-y--after all, I was born just two days before Christmas! I'm also wearing gorgeous black fancy sling back heels that Colin was sweet enough to buy me. Oh my goodness, they're so beautiful I want to frame them and hang them on the wall--but first, of course, I'm wearing them! LOL! He was so super sweet to get those for me, they're the perfect (Early) Birthday Present! Thank you, Colin! :)

Anyway, even though dressing up can be a hassle, and I'm SO glad I don't have to do it every day--it is SO FUN to do it occasionally. There's something so special and powerful and beautiful about being a girl--especially when you put in all the effort to look exceptionally beautiful! It's totally worth it!

I love looking fantastic and knowing it--I don't always look fantastic, but sometimes, when I try really hard, I do! I think any woman does. There's not a lot of women I know that aren't beautiful already, but when they TRY, we are some gorgeous creatures us WOMEN! :) We rock!

I got to thinking today, my birthday is NOT just about ME. Okay, it's a lot about me--but more importantly, it's about the Power of God and every single person who got to another birthday! It's about each person who shaped me, helped me, encouraged me, inspired me and yes, even slighted me--because I learned--and continue to learn--from each and everyone of them. Going into 27, I feel like a better, more joyful, calmer person than I was going into 26 and I can feel the influence of each person who got me here. It's pretty amazing actually, the stellar support system and awesome people I have in my life! I am so blessed! I would not be celebrating birthday #27 without any of them--so to all of out there--THANK YOU, you know who you are!

On another note, I asked my mother today when she started my whole Elegant Birthday Dinner tradition and she said around my 3rd birthday. I said "why?" She told me "Well, I knew it would be a present you'd really like, could pick it out all by yourself and you'd enjoy the dinner. Plus, I wouldn't have to cook." I then asked "So, did you think that you'd totally screw yourself for the rest of my life because of the money these dinners cost?" She said "Well, no, I mean, yeah, there've been some pretty expensive ones, but you never ask for too much the rest of the year and you're my daughter, so it doesn't matter. I like making you feel like the special person you are around your birthday, you deserve it." How sweet is that?!

I'm glad my mom always let me choose where I would have that Birthday Dinner and it really is a tradition now, one that I love, honor and respect!

On that note, I have a dinner to get too! I hope it's a great time and great food! It is sure to be great company!

Thank you Lord, for making a girl, giving me self-confidance, gratitude, gorgeous dresses, the best family and people in my life, lots of food and a warm home and bed to get into. Thank You for Christmas Trees, Your Peace, Patience and Mercy. Thank You for lunch with Sarah yesterday, the shoes Colin go me and Christmas Carols too! Thanks also for the spectacular memories of Christmases and Birthdays past--they truly hold a special place in my heart, and always will!

Here's to new memories to be had....Merry Christmas everyone!

Peace Begins With (in) Me--remember that!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

*P.S. I wrote the above BEFORE the dinner and now I'm home FROM the dinner! This year I picked 'Moni Ami Gabi' at the Paris Casino Las Vegas! Great choice! It was spectacular! I looked beautiful and so did everyone with me! Yay! My dinner was delicious! Appetizer: Warm Baked Brie w/ Honey & Hazelnuts was out of this world beyond good! Warm Olives w/ Roasted Garlic & Orange Zest--savory & delicious! And Trout w/ Lemon, Capers & a perfectly cooked, delicately flavored Orzo pasta w/ Peas & Spinach & Leeks--Yum! All of it was delicious and wonderful! I feel so blessed I was able to have a birthday dinner so fantastic! The company, the food, the ambience--it was all superb. And my mom's bday card to me made me cry. All and all, it was fantastic! Another successful birthday dinner! Happy 27th Birthday to me! -SL :)

Turning 27...

2010-12-16T12:58:00.000-08:00

I don't have time to write very much at the moment, but it really hit me today that in just 1 week I will be turning 27!!! I am SO excited!

I'm not even sure why, most people don't love their birthdays like I do--I find them fun, exciting and incredibly joyful!

Each birthday is just another testament to the power of God, life, the human spirit and the strength in all of us! I can't think of a better way to celebrate life than to celebrate one's birthday!

And I'm so super happy that mine is so near!

I have a good feeling about turning 27, I really do! It'll be SO MUCH fun to be a new and different age and learn lots of new and different things!

I've realized that life at any age can be challenging, but it is always what you make it--and I just have a positive vibe about being 27.

I'm just thrilled I made it this far in life, and especially through 26....Praise God, for sure! Yay! How exciting!

I hope I am ALWAYS thrilled about my birthday! I hope I continue to welcome each one with open arms, enthusiasm and joy!

Here's to my last week of being 26, I'm sure it'll be great, but I am so ready to kiss it goodbye...onto new beginnings, bring it on!

Thank You, Lord, for the joyful sense of spirit, life and love--and all the many gifts in my life!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

500th Post: Planning for the Future With Our Parents (& Grandparents)

2010-12-15T12:06:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my 500th Post! I can barely believe I've logged on here and blogged 500 times! Amazing!

Today, though, I want to write about something very important--planning for the future of our parents and grandparents.

I've spoken a lot this year about the importance of "being in the moment," staying in the present and relishing RIGHT NOW.

I still believe that that is the way to sanity and peace.

However, there are some things in life that we must plan for. We need to be flexible with our plans, but we need have plans in place.

When my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's earlier this year, it was indeed a devastating blow. The bigger blow, however, was the sheer sense of un-preparedness we all felt, like "What the do we do now?"

My grandma's husband is having to face a lot of things right now--most all the decline of his beloved wife.

Grandpa is having to decide WHERE to put her and exactly what kind of facility she will live in until she dies. What can they actually afford? What will he do, and where will HE live, so that they CAN afford it? What will he do with all of her belongings--to which grandchildren does this or that go to? And what is worth keeping, selling or just plain tossing out?

These are questions everyone should ask.

Although they were older when they got married, my grandmother and her husband did not consider such questions. They planned on each other dying--(they were in their 70s when they got married) they have a Will, a Trust, and a list of things allocated to certain people. They did not plan, however, for my grandmother to get sick and LIVE.

Her illnesses came on quite quick and strong--there wasn't an "easing into it" period, as some are fortunate enough to have. Too often, though, we are not given that opportunity.

Our loved one gets sick and BOOM--what now? What do we do?

We all know we're going to die someday, it is a given. It's a reality that I've found, most of us can accept.

We plan our funerals and have Trusts and Wills and Estate Plans drawn up. (Hopefully.) We request certain flowers or music, or if we're not spiritually grown up--we may even request certain people NOT attend our funeral. We may insist that there is to be no funeral at all--just a quiet burial or cremation.

But, how many of us PLAN TO LIVE with a quality of life that is lesser than the one we are living today?

I have found the answer to that is, not very many.

Death is not an easy process, and in fact, each day of life brings new and different kinds of death. We have the death of relationships, friendships, marriages, old patterns, addictions and habits.

Each of us is more well-versed in the subject of death than we like to realize, because it is all around us.

In some ways, death is a sweet relief--it hurdles us on to bigger and more peaceful things. I believe, a better place.

Whether or not we embrace death (which I'm not attempting to do, because I don't--it's a tremendously difficult time--especially for everyone left behind) we all know, it's bound to happen--so we (hopefully) make our peace with it.

In recent years, especially, there has been an insurgence of "live for today, time is short, enjoy the moment" philosophies. I am a willing and joyful participant in such philosophies.

And as true and important as those are--what about the occasion where we're forced to face some of life's toughest challenges--head on?

One of the biggest challenges facing our society today is, not what will I do if a loved one dies, but rather..... "What happens if my loved one gets SICK and LIVES?

Then what....."

That is the bigger conundrum.

We get Life Insurance, Health Insurance, Car Insurance, and Mortgage or Renter's Insurance.

But what about Long Term Care Insurance?

It's a whole new area of the Insurance Business--it's a "buzz-word" as something new is often called.

But, it's becoming necessary, isn't it?

People are living well into their 80s and 90s, but are they truly living "well"?

Or, are they just surviving, instead of thriving?

Where will we put our loved ones so that we can help them THRIVE, instead of just survive?

This is where Long Term Care Insurance, and more importantly, Long Term Care Plans come into play.

Even without Long Term Care Insurance, having a Long Term Care Plan in place helps tremendously to alleviate the stress of caring for a loved one who is already ill.

A Long Term Care Plan lessens the burden during what is an extremely difficult time for everyone involved. When illness or catastrophe strike, it's harder to process what truly needs to be done. Without a Long Term Care Plan, caregivers are emotionally vulnerable and less able to make logical decisions--decisions that would ultimately respect our loved ones and honor their wishes.

As parents (which I'm not) people help their children. They help them clothe, feed and bathe themselves. They teach them all sorts of new things such as how to count, write their names and keep track of their belongings. They teach their children their beliefs about God, the world and each other. They teach them how to drive and place limits on what they can and can't do.

And then, thirty, forty or fifty years later--we children become parents to our parents.

It is a total switch in gears, a reversal or roles, in the weirdest of ways.

And while it is sad--it is ultimately necessary.

When our parents need us more as parents than as children. When they revert back into child-like beings (especially with the onset of something such as Alzheimer's), it becomes harder and harder to honor their wishes, if those wishes can be honored at all.

That is why BEFORE that time comes, it's important to have a plan in place for their future.

After all, they planned for ours, didn't they?

Our parents set up college funds, and perhaps saved for our first car. They helped get us through school, to Prom and graduation. They dreamed (and planned, probably) for the day when we'd get married or have children of our own.

And now, here we sit, forced to prepare for THEIR future--which if we fail to plan for at all, becomes quite dim.

It is vitally important to consider the following questions:

What kind of quality of life do we want for our loved ones as they get older?

What kind of quality of life do we want for ourselves, as we get older--both as caregivers and care giving recipients?

How would we want to be treated by our children, as age?

What kinds of things did our parents (or grandparents) tell us, and teach us, that might give clues as to how they want their care handled?

Is there a current opportunity to discuss these things with our parents before they get too old, and/or too sick?

Are we all just going through our lives, living in the moment so much that we have forgotten to plan for the inevitable future that awaits us all?

Are we sitting in denial that our parents are aging and quite possibly, already deteriorating?

Is it more comfortable to discuss their funeral with our parents, than what would happen if they lived through some horrendous medical catastrophe (such as a major stroke)?

What can we do TODAY to help our parents age, and even decline in health, with dignity, honor and respect?

As a woman of twenty-six, this topic may not be popular amongst my peers.

But, even us younger kids (in our 20s & 30s) need to recognize that we have an ENTIRE GENERATION of Baby Boomers and rapidly aging loved ones.

Whether those Baby Boomers are our parents, or grandparents--we need to realize that we OWE it to them to take care of them, to the best of our abilities.

We cannot forsake our own needs and forget our own dreams. We do not need to live in constant fear that something awful will happen to our loved ones--it may not. Tons of people live quite healthfully into their 90s, but, many do not.

We must be prepared for this reality.

That is why we must at least attempt to make a plan. You know the old saying "Better to have a plan that fails to have failed to plan at all."

We must be flexible with our plans. We must realize that they are ever-evolving entities--much like our parents, grandparents and our relationships with them.

But, we must have a plan in place.

We owe it to our parents to treat them with the same reverence, dignity and respect with which they raised us.

It is in every Spiritual Principle out there--from the Bible to Buddhism to everything in between...

"Honor thy Mother and Father,"

And of course, The Golden Rule cannot be overlooked: treat people the way you wish to be treated.

As for me, I would want to be treated the following way:

I would want to know that I am taken care of in my old age. That I am not going to be a burden to my family--and that although my health may decline as I get older--my sanity and familial relationships do not have to follow.

(Of course if one has Alzheimer's the mind and familial relationships do decline, along with everything else, but that's another post).

I have found some great resources in assisting with the plans for your loved ones:

www.aplaceformom.com has a national list of Assisted Living, Nursing Home and Alzheimer Care facilities. They also have a ton of great articles that deal with all facets of elder care--and care giving.

www.alz.org is a great resource if you or a loved one has been diagnosed. Message boards, support groups and new medication information can be found here.

www.meetup.org has a bunch of different groups that span all different interests. You may not find one specific to care giving, but you can find a group that has a similar interest to yours and therefore, expand your enjoyment of living!

It is possible to at least start on a plan for your loved ones. It is possible to find peace through chaos. It's a lot more possible when you have a plan for what to do when such chaos arises.

I hope this post has helped! With 500 under my belt, I hope I have at least a few readers who I've helped over the years, and I look forward to the next 500!

Thank You, Lord, for 500 posts, the ability to write, many lessons learned, the gift of family and the inclination to wake up and PLAN! All of which, I know, is part of Your plan for me--Thank You!

In light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Caregiver Bill of Rights!

2010-12-15T12:05:00.000-08:00

http://www.aplaceformom.com/senior-care-resources/articles/caregiver-support/

Caregiver Support: The Caregiver Bill Of Rights

I have the right… to take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will give me the capability of taking better care of my relative.

I have the right… to seek help from others even though my relatives may object. I recognize the limits of my own endurance and strength.

I have the right… to maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything that I reasonably can for this person, and I have the right to do some things just for myself.

I have the right… to get angry, be depressed, and express other difficult feelings occasionally.

I have the right… to reject any attempts by my relative (either conscious or unconscious) to manipulate me through guilt and/or depression.

I have the right… to receive consideration, affection, forgiveness, and acceptance from my loved one for what I do, for as long as I offer these qualities in return.

I have the right… to take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it has sometimes taken to meet the needs of my relative.

I have the right… to protect my individuality and my right to make a life for myself that will sustain me in the time when my relative no longer needs my full-time help.

I have the right… to expect and demand that as new strides are made in finding resources to aid physically and mentally impaired persons in our country, similar strides will be made towards aiding and supporting caregivers.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Going to Church, God's Peace & the Joy of Giving!

2010-12-13T10:06:00.000-08:00

I went to church yesterday with my mom. It was one of the best services ever!

They talked about the Peace of God--and the Angelic Hosts. It was awesome!

They spoke about the REAL PEACE of God--and Christ. Being willing to ACCEPT His Peace--even through trial and tribulation. And I have to say, I felt like Pastor Kevin was speaking directly to me.

He spoke about how you can have a real, solid, steady peace--even through the greiving of a loved one. (Me!) You can have a real, solid, steady peace through the hardship of deplorable finances (my family). You can have a real solid, steady peace--regardless of what is happening in your life.

I'm so incredibly grateful to say that I DO! I have peace.

It's not that I never worry, or that I always feel peaceful--110% of the time. I don't believe anyone does, not even Christians. But, it IS possible to feel, know and HAVE true peace.

I know that because I've felt it all through this year--through the chaos of it all. Through the losing of my Nellie and the deteriation of my grandmother. Through the ups and downs in my marriage, through the health of my mother, and my own health too. I have felt peace.

I just kind of KNOW it will all work out. I'm not sure how, and most of the time, I don't ask anymore. I've actually stopped asking "how?" all together, because it just WILL work out. Maybe not the way I wanted it, or planned it, but it will work out for the BEST!

My grandma Joni gave me a quote this year that has stayed with me "The Grace of God will never take you where the Will of God will not protect you." And I firmly believe that.

As we all know my Grandma Elizabeth taught me most of what I know--and believe--about God and Jesus and spirituality in general.

And while I never thought I'd be a church going person, I have to say, I am thoroughly enjoying it when I do go.

Anyway, my Pastor also talked about having Peace Talks--with God, with others, and with yourself. I personally believe that Peace starts withIN--everything, as far as I can see it, is an INSIDE JOB! Peace truly does begin with me. If I'm not at peace with myself, good Lord, not much else will be peaceful in my life. Seriously!

But, in all honesty, I've had peace talks this year. With my grandma, with my mother, with Nellie before I put her down. With Colin. And of course, myself. I've also had quite a few Peace Talks with God, as Pastor Kevin put it "It's okay to get angry with God, He's a big boy, He can handle it. Question, sure, but don't ever lose faith, and don't ever doubt Him completely--because He is ALWAYS there. Always listening, ALWAYS willing to give you His Peace."

I really needed to hear that yesterday. I really need to remember that EVERY day.

It is because of God's peace that I am peace with my Grandma's detiriation. Sure, I absolutely miss her--every day. But I know that God has His plan and the He blessed me with her as my grandmother. She wasn't just my grandmother either--she was my mother's mother, Grandpa Henry's wife, and so much else, to so many people. She served her purpose in our lives and we will continue to spread her love and strength and yummy food goodies--even in her absence. I can smile through the tears when I think of her because I have Peace. And again, I am incredibly grateful for it!

After the Service, mom and I headed over to the bookstore. And I got her her Christmas Gift without her knowing it. Seriously, she was standing right next to me when I bought it. It was a book she's wanted for a long, long time. And she didn't even realize I was shopping for her Christmas present with her in tow. It was hilarious! The woman who rang me up even asked "is this for anyone special?" And I looked at my mom and she just stared at me like "I don't know, is it?" I said to the nice lady at the register "Yes and no." I paid for the book and walked out with my mom. Now, if I was a patient person (I work daily on that virtue) I would've taken the book home, wrapped it up and put under the tree. But, since she already has a few gifts under the tree (I really want to make this a special Christmas for her), I didn't want to wait. So I finally got mom's attention and said "Hey, here...Merry Christmas" and handed her the book. She looked at me and goes "What?" I said "Yeah, Merry Christmas, Mom, this is for you." She was shocked and SO happy! It made me so happy! It really is better to give than to receive. Truly. That's also how I know I'm an adult now--because while I DO have some things on my Birthday/Christmas List--my poor family has to spend a crap load this time of year for me (at least I'm cheap the other 11 months out of the year--LOL!)--this year, I would SO rather GIVE than RECEIVE.

I don't have a lot of money, but I've Christmas shopped sporadically over the last few months. I LOVE finding that perfect gift for someone that when you pass it you go "Oh, that's SO them!" I love finding a good bargain, wrapping it up all pretty and either sending it off (mailing it to them) or putting it under the Christmas Tree. It's so much fun!

It really is better to give than to receive--and I think, knowing that, and living that, is a sign of maturity.

I don't give beyond my means, and I no longer go a whole year without buying anything for me. But, there has to be a balance to it too, you know.

My desire to GIVE this holiday season is also why I volunteered to be a Greeter at my church on Christmas Eve. I'm excited, it's kind of neat! I'd also like to serve dinner to the homeless somewhere around that time, but we'll see.

I need to go, I have some things I positively MUST get done today--but I'm so glad I took the time to write!

It's just past 10am and I've already written TWO entries today--look at me--all efficient!

Thank You Lord, for a great church service yesterday--helping me to find a church that speaks to me and for the JOY of Giving and the gift of Peace! You're the reason for it all!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. You want to see five minutes FLY BY? Set a timer for that amount of time and try and finish anything you're writing--five minutes feels more like five seconds when you're writing! I'm just saying! LOL! Happy Monday & Merry Christmas!

The Emotional Healing Power of Cooking!

2010-12-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

Throughout my life, I have greatly loved two things: food and music! We all know the healing power of music, and I can say, that I am finally getting back into it full force! I am using music to help me through difficult times in my life, and happy ones too! This Christmas Season, Christmas Music has been my mainstay.

But, there's something else I find incredibly healing as well: food.

Yes, we all know that food that is nutritionally balanced is good for us, and I honestly believe that nearly half of the diseases in America could be fixed with food. (i.e. Better Diet)

I was spoiled rotten when I was growing up by a 1,500 square foot garden. I kid you not. If it could be grown in Reno, Nevada, my mother grew it. That is where my love of fresh vegetables comes from, and why I have no problem scarfing them down today. I truly believe that that huge garden with everything from peas and corn to tomatoes and carrots in it--played a definite role in the healthy eating habbits I have today.

I was also spoiled by a grandmother who made most everything from scratch. Pie crust, pies, muffins, cookies, cakes, biscotti--you name it--she made it!

Now, I carry on the tradition.

Okay, I'm not such a fan of baking, but I'm working on it, and when I do bake, I'm not terrible at it. I'm sure I'll improve over the years.

What I'm talking about though, is the healing power of food through the senses.

Last night, I'd had a rough day--it was a great day in many respects, but a rough day in others.

So, instead of feeling sorry myself and going hungry last night, I got up and made myself dinner. This isn't unusual for me, as I usually am the one who cooks in my household. My mother spent years on end making three meals a day, so I really can't blame her for not wanting to cook too often these days.

When I started cooking my dinner last night, I was very upset. I was irritated and pesky. But, as I got into the cooking of my food--I instantly calmed down. My heart rate lowered, I stood a little straighter, and I breathed a little better.

Suddenly, it was all about chopping the broccoli properly, and dicing the onions the correct size. Then, I was rummaging through my fridge thinking about what I would do with the brocoli and onions--completely unaware of whatever my earlier problem was.

I decided to take the broccoli and the onions, and some green beans--and sautee the up with garlic, butter, parprika, salt and pepper. Then it dawned on me that I had some green beans to use up--so I chopped those up and threw them in the pan. Then, I decided that this vegetable satuee needed to savory, so I grabbed some tomato paste from my pantry and added that in. But, I needed something to thin it out, and now that the veggies had gotten a little color on them--I decided to throw in some white wine. After I let the alachol cook out from the wine (Chardonay) I tasted it--adjusted my seasonings (it just needed more salt and pepper) and thought to myself "mm, it's missing something". So I went back to the fridge--and grabbed the Soy Sauce. "Just a splash!" I thought to myself, "Just a splash!" I was hoping and praying that the soy sauce would be the right thing and wouldn't end up ruining the dish. I said a prayer and added the soy sauce. I let it cook down for a minute and fully incoorperate--and viola--my dish was done! It was savory, delicious, with a depth of flavor and that Soy Sauce--it definitely "made" the dish entirely!

I was so proud! I had made something worth eating! Don't get me wrong, I make a lot of things worth eating. But, as I poured the veggie sautee into a bowl, it occurred to me that I couldn't remember what I was upset about before. I honestly could not remember.

And then it hit me "food heals!" Sure, a vegetable sautee is quite good for you, nutritionally speaking, and more veggies are always a good thing--for all of us! But, in the creation of this dish, I was able to focus my time, attention and energy into the making of the food--instead of my problems.

And that, my friends, is one of the many reasons I believe in the emotional healing power of food.

I also made a new rice pilaf with toasted noodles in it, spinach and a handful of Feta Cheese. That recipe is compliments of Rachael Ray, and it was so yummy! She said it would taste just like Spanicopita without the Pastry--and she was right! It was so good and hearty, I enjoyed that too!

And of course, me being Sarah, I also made a salad with my famous lemon dressing. I could quite honestly become rich off of that stuff. Move over, Paul Newman Dressing! LOL! I love his salad dressings actually, but in all sincerity, EVERYONE who has ever tasted my lemon dressing becomes an instant fan of it! Plus, at this point, I've made it so many times, I could do it with eyes closed, so it's comfort food!

I know, I'm weird, I find salad comforting! Oh well, I'll never get cancer, right?

In all honesty, making that meal for myself last night was the best possible thing I could've done at that moment.

I wasn't hopping mad before I started making it, but I wasn't exactly happy either. I was visibly upset over some stupid little thing that really didn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

When I plated up my entire dinner, and tasted it--all together--oh my good Lord, I was like in Heaven on Earth! And I thought "See, I don't need to go out to dinner--I make just as good of food right here in my own kitchen! And I made it! I took the time to create this, and enjoy the creative process of it! It's wonderful! Yummy!"

I thoroughly enjoyed both making, and eating, my dinner!

I was healed a little bit last night by that meal. And it proved to me that while life will never be perfect, and we rarely get what we expect (often life is better than we expected, but that's another post), we might as well make the most of it anyway!

I make the most of it with food, and food makes me happy.

If going in the kitchen and cooking up a storm--which puts out delicious, healthy food--in the process--makes me happier, calmer and less irritated, than so be it!

I know that's why so many turn to their kitchen in times of chaos. Paula Deen, Sandra Lee, my own grandmother and mother--myself. Cooking incooperates all five senses--sound, sight, tactile feeling, smell, and taste!

You HAVE to pay attention to what you're doing otherwise you'll burn something, the water will boil over on the stove (creating a huge mess), or you'll quite possibly cut the tip of your finger off.

The kitchen is a dangerous place, sometimes, but isn't life often dangerous?

In the kitchen, and in life, you have to: show up, be willing to try something new, have the right tools, harbor the right ingredients, be satisfied with what you already have, make the most out of what you have, be flexible, be willing to get creative, engage fully in the moment and be honest with yourself when something is worth standing over all day long--or worth putting on the back burner.

If you get and do all that, you're all set! That's why I continue to cook--not only to physically feed myself, which is utterly important, of course. But, I cook to feed my soul. To fully indulge in my senses, to stay connected to the past--to be in the present--to dream about the future.

I cook to healthfully distract myself, and I cook to be a happier, more well-rounded person.

And while there are certainly times I am not in the mood to cook--most of the time, whenever I do--I'm always glad I did!

So, in the spirit of the holiday Season, I wish you and yours HAPPY COOKING TIMES!

The holidays are a lot about cooking and food and sharing that food with family and friends--just another reason I love this time of year so much!

Thank You, Lord, for delicious, plentiful food! For the love of food and family and friends and the continuity of it all! You are generous in Your blessings and I so appreciate them all!

Merry Christmas, everyone, here's to fantastic holiday food everywhere!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

12-11-10: Seven Years Ago Today......

2010-12-11T14:02:00.000-08:00

Today is 12-11-10, which I think is kind of cool! Today will be a popular wedding day for sure!

As for me, I have lived in Las Vegas for 7 years today!

When I first arrived here, I hated it--now, I love it!

I've really built a life here--I've grown up here. I've learned and loved and lost here--but all and all, it's been a heck of a ride!

I'm not sure whether or not I'll be in Vegas 7 years from now, I might be--I don't know. I'd like to keep my job with the County, as I absolutely love working there--but at 26, I've realized you can plan--but never expect. So, we'll see.

I feel like I've met a lot of fabulous people here, and made a few good friends! I met my husband here and grew up a lot due to my marriage.

I have had SO MUCH FUN in the last 7 years, and so many hard times too. Everyone can say that, though, I think!

All and all, it's been pretty good. I'm glad I'm here. Reno is my "Roots," Vegas is my "Wings"!

In other news, it's Saturday and I'm being totally lazy! Drinking coffee, deciding on what to have for lunch and admiring the simply joy of my Christmas Tree! It's so nice!

It's winter time, and yet it's oddly warm outside, even for Vegas--but nice. It's the middle of December and I'm sitting here in Yoga Pants and a cute pink tank top. I look cute today, I think. I don't think I look cute everyday, but my little outfit is quite cute!

Anyway, it's nice not to be shivering and bundled up, very nice. I do hope it gets a little cold, though, for my Birthday, because as it turns out, I actually like it cooler on my Birthday--it's just weird if it's not.

I'm really happy today, not because of anything imparticular, but because why not be? I've been working really hard at work and running errands and doing Holiday Stuff and today, I'm not leaving the house AT ALL! The last time I stayed home ALL day and didn't do a darn thing was November 8th, so it's time! I SHOULD be cleaning and stuff, but my body is tired and as God is my witness, I'm NOT getting sick again (I was SO sick LAST weekend), so I'm not going to push myself and wind up sick. No thank you!

Last night, I went to Fresh & Easy (I love that Grocery Store!) and bought myself a Tiramisu Cake--oh my goodness, I just love Tiramisu! So yummy! Granted, F&E's isn't as good as The Olive Garden--but still, I get a whole cake there for the price of ONE serving TOG. So, it's good--it's really good! I came home and announced that it was my "I've lived in Vegas 7 Years tomorrow--I'm turning 27 in 12 days--I'm working hard at work--it's Christmas--Cake!"

I also made a pizza last night--that was delicious too! I make good pizza--I made my Mediterranean one--so delicious!

Anyway, as excited as I am about my Birthday and Christmas--I'm making a conscious effort to ENJOY the time. It'll fly by, just like it always does, and I'm determined to ENJOY the WHOLE SEASON! I just love this time of year--I really do!

It's fun and festive and bright--Christmas time! Tonight, I'm going to a Holiday Party and tomorrow, church! THEN, I'll come home and do a little housework--but not too much--because well, it's Sunday tomorrow, you know!

Right now. I'm watching 'America--The Story of Us' and it's making me SO incredibly proud to be an American. I wrote about this Series when it premiered this summer--and it's just as fascinating the second time around. For all its problems and hassles, this country is a blessed place! It's a place of courage and strength and grit and determination. I can definitely see how being born and raised an American has shaped me--positively and negatively. I think, as a group, we're still quite ignorant and arrogant, BUT...we're determined, hopeful, courageous, positive and amazing. I'm very proud to be an American! That being said, watching shows like this, it puts it all into perspective! Most of my generation really does not know the meaning of hard work--man--the people that built this country--and its major cities (like Las Vegas)--they're truly amazing! It's ultimately humbling to think about--wow!

Anyway, I just wanted to write something today. Perhaps I'll write more later, but right now, I'm going to go eat! I'm probably going to get some Tiramisu--oh, who are we kidding? I'm so having Tiramisu! Someday, I'll make it from scratch......

For now though, I'm just happy it's 12-11-10.....Merry Christmas! Thank You Lord, for a lovely, peaceful, relaxing day! And another Christmas time again!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Everything Is Different--but it's STILL Christmas--and what a Miracle it all is!

2010-12-09T02:00:00.000-08:00

So it's 2am, I'm sitting here admiring my Christmas Tree, abundantly grateful for all of the blessings I still have.

I am simply astonished that I made it through this year! I really am, how, I do not know--I just have, Thank God--literally!

But, as I sit here, with two weeks left of being 26, I can't help but think of how MUCH is different THIS Birthday/Christmas than LAST one.

My grandmother isn't here--mentally or physically--she's in the hospital up in Reno suffering with Alzheimer's and a host of other medical diseases.

My Nellie isn't here, she's up in Heaven--resting peacefully, I'm sure.

My father and I haven't spoken since Father's Day--almost 6 months ago.

And a few other key things in my life are vastly different too.

Everything is different.

I know that thinking about what I don't have and what I've lost this year isn't going to help me, fix any of it or bring any of it back. And it's not even that I want things the way they were--I absolutely respect that there's a time and a reason for everything, I really do. It's just, I can't help but recognize the gaping absence of so much.

My heart hurts that I don't have Grandma and Nellie, but in another way, it's a peaceful feeling too.

I DID have them, and it's so much better, truly, to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I don't know who said that, originally, but they were positively right!

I still miss them, and I'm not sure when the day will come that I don't miss my Grandma. She sure was the best Grandma I could have ever asked for though, man, she was truly amazing! She taught me everything she could, and half of what I know--in every area of life. She was a fantastically strong, stubborn woman who passed on those qualities to her precious and I hope--no, I KNOW--that she knows how much I love, admire and respect her. And that's what allows this time to be so peaceful for me. Even though I miss her, and probably always will, she gave me so much and taught me so much! There was nothing that wasn't said between her and I--no loose ends, no unfinished business--and how great is that?! Not many people can say that about their loved ones when THIS time comes (the end of a loved one's life)--so I'm incredibly blessed by that, I really am.

Regardless, I just feel like my world is different now.....

It has shifted and it IS different.

BUT, I AM STILL HERE! Can you believe it? I'm still here! And I'm SO grateful for that!

I STILL have my wonderful job with truly amazing co-workers and bosses! I STILL have my warm home with a nice warm bed and clean sheets to get into....

Which as far as I'm concerned, is one of the greatest luxuries in life--a warm bed & clean sheets, that is!

I STILL have my mother, who for all our ups and downs, I sincerely love and respect more and more each day, and who I would not be turning 27 in 2 weeks, without. Who has seen me through this year, and while she's part of the difficult parts of it, she's always been part of the best parts of it! Love you, mom!

I STILL have Tessa, and Sarah, and Claudia--who I would not at ALL have survived this year without--any part of it, truly! Whose friendship and love humbles me to my core. These amazing, strong, kick-ass women who inspire me daily and lift me up with encouragement and support and a sense of understanding and belonging--who make me feel a little more normal--I still have them! Thank God for them!

I STILL have a car that runs alright, it gets me where I need to go. I'm not dependent on others to take me places or stuck out in the cold (literally) waiting for a bus! Yay God!

I STILL have plenty of good food to eat and my fair share of choices when it comes to what it is I do eat!

I STILL have my 5 senses and my hair, along w/ my ability to breathe and my fingers and toes.

I STILL have my ability to think and read and write--all of which I treasure greatly!

I STILL can type, slice veggies, cut a piece of paper, brush my teeth and direct a steering wheel (drive a car).

I STILL can laugh at the irony of life, the craziness of it and the sheer sense of humor that our Lord MUST have! (That's HUGE!)

I STILL can find humor and greatness and lessons in most anything! (I may not always be in the mood to find them, but eventually, I do.)

I STILL have my mind--I've not gone crazy or lashed out on anyone.

I'm not displaced.

And IT'S CHRISTMAS!

Best of all, despite everything this year.....

It's STILL CHRISTMAS!

The other night (Monday, Dec. 6th) I was decorating our Christmas Tree and it was so wonderful! The Spirit of Christmas just came upon me and it was truly AWESOME!

I just LOVE this time of year--and even though this is a weird holiday in a lot of ways--and definitely a new normal for me--it's still awesome!

Christmas really is a magical time of year, unlike any other! And damn it, I've had a rough year, so I'm going to have a FANTASTIC Christmas--and Birthday! ;)

I'm going to ENJOY IT, REVEL in it and be oh so thankful for it!

I made it to another Christmas, and Birthday, in one piece. Better off than I was a year or two ago. I'm getting older, but by the Grace of God, I'm also getting wiser--so that's good news!

There's plenty I don't know, but I'm finally feeling pretty confidant in what I DO know, and that's a nice feeling!

I LOVE our CHRISTMAS TREE! It's so beautiful--seeing all of the ornaments on it from past years. Recalling all the great memories, knowing that I can and do remember them and how many fantastic Christmas's I have been blessed enough to have. How special and loved I always feel this time of year (because of my Birthday). How no matter what happens during the year--good, bad or indifferent--how I'm always so humbled this time of year. The different colors of the ornaments and the different shapes and sizes--ones that were given to me, ones I gave to others. The different years on the ornaments reminding me of where I was then, and where I am now--what's changed and what hasn't. It's all SO FUN! It really is!

And of course, CHRISTMAS MUSIC--more on that later!

I LOVE the decorations, the Christmas-y Snow Flake Mug I got the other night! Christmas Earrings and other jewelry. Christmas gloves and scarves and clothes! CHRISTMAS COOKIES! :)

I love my Birthday being on the Calendar at work (yay!). I love everyone wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays! And, I do love people wishing me a Happy (Early) Birthday too--that's always fun!

I feel a real sense of connectedness this year, it's all kind of coming together for me. My past, my present, and where I go from here. It's really neat, actually! I'm sure I'll have many more Christmas's and Birthdays to come--I hope--but, it's fun this year. Again, it's different--but it's kind of making me enjoy it all that much more! It's making me want to continue certain traditions--with a renewed passion--and also, I want to make new ones! It's so cool!

I love seeing my mom's collection of Santa's around the house, and of course I LOVE and ADORE CHRISTMAS MUSIC, because, well, it's just the BEST! It's music like none other--it's fun, it's inspiring, it's cheerful, it's SPIRITUAL!

I belted out "Mary Did You Know," and "O Holy Night" the other night (my 2 favorite Christmas songs!) and then I also sang "Away In a Manger" and it was honestly just a peaceful, spirit--filled experience!

When you really sit and think about the MIRACLE of Christmas, and Jesus and all of that--it's just absolutely AWESOME! It really makes you stop and think and be thankful for God and Jesus and all He blesses us with! It really makes you realize the depth of His love and mercy and just, it's awesome!

Heck, Christmas is cool, but even if you're not Christian, it's still a wonderful time of year--it really is! It's so celebratory and wonderful, and there are miracles all around--there really are--and my life is living proof of that. (I'm not saying that I am personally living proof of miracles, it's just that the blessings in my life are!)

I still can't believe I survived this year in ONE piece! I'm amazed, I really am! It was tough, but I DID IT! (Again, not without a lot of help!)

I have a feeling next year is going to be AWESOME! Really, I think it will leave me in awe and wonder. It's not that I expect it to be drastically different, or easy--life is hard at any age, and it is always what you make it--but I think I'm due for some sunshine, folks! I think I'm due for some fun, some good times, and abundance of love and laughter and happiness!

Please don't get me wrong, I don't think I deserve these things more than anyone else, but I do deserve them just like everyone else!

I HAVE had fun this year---my time with my Grandma, my work, my vacation with Tessa, my trip to Ohio and back, my time with my favorite kids, my job, even times with Colin--I've enjoyed a lot this year. I spent a lot time outdoors, walking and admiring nature and my surroundings (trees & the changes of seasons were a favorite!). I've had real moments of peace and happiness, even through the chaos. I have found out a lot about who I am, who I want to be and I have FOUND true happiness and acceptance. I really have.

But, for the most part, it's been momentary, (hey, at least I had moments of that, some people don't even get that, I'm so blessed!) not sweeping overall--and next year, I think it WILL be overall--I hope so at least!

I KNOW something good is coming my way--I'm not sure what, and I'm not sure when. I kind of like not knowing....for the first time ever, I actually do like not knowing. It's scary, but fun--frightening but exhilarating.....anyway....

Even though everything is different, that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad different.

It can be a good different, a re-adjusting different. And look how great my life is NOW! My life, no matter what, is truly great! It is happy, it is fun, it is blessed, it is positively showered with love!

I hope and pray every day that I am a beacon of tremendous light, love and kindness. That I can just pass it on--the light, love and kindness that I am shown every single day--I hope and pray I just pay it forward! God, I hope so!

I am so glad, and grateful, that God has used me as His instrument this year. That through all of the hard stuff, He was there, listening, teaching, loving....guiding my steps. That He knew best and that He never failed me--even when I questioned Him. I am so grateful that my mother is still here, that I am still here and that we can celebrate yet another Christmas (and Birthday of mine) together!

Yes, indeed, everything IS different, but it's STILL Christmas and life is STILL grand!

Thank You, Lord for all of my endless blessings! Please continue to bless me, send good things my way, and most of all, continue to bless those I love. Please continue to forgive me for my shortcomings, spread the love in my life and guide me as only You can. Shine Your strength through me and lift me up in Your Presence--Lord--I thank for this wonderful, joyous and magical holiday season! It is the BEST! Thank You for my life!

As the poem goes, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!"

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

A Double Dose of Church, Painting the Town w/ My Mom, Autonomy & Good News in Vegas!

2010-11-29T01:26:00.000-08:00

It's nearly 1:30am and I'm tired. I want to go to bed, but I have so much I want to write about.

At the very least, I wanted to come on here and say that I have had the best two weeks these last few weeks!

They haven't been perfect, but they've been pretty fabulous anyway, and a lot of that was just because I let go and let God--it's awesome! I'm calmer and more patient, and being less judgemental is helping a lot too. Like I said last entry, I have much more time and energy to enjoy life now because of all of that. (I always enjoyed life, but you know what I mean, I hope.)

Today, I went to two church services, my friend, Sarah's--and my own. Sarah, and her husband, Mike, were giving Talks at their church--Sarah spoke about the Healing Power of Christ (which I know all about, literally & figuritively, I've certainly experienced great emotional and physical healing in my own life) And Mike's talk was about the Power of Music, which I also know about. Sarah and Mike are such a wonderful couple and so good together--they did a great job with their talks and I was more than happy to support great friends!

Then, after that, I headed on over to my own church--had some breakfast in the cafe there and met up with my mom for Service. It was so neat! They talked about the Songs of Christmas and today it was all about Mary, Mother of Jesus. What an awesome story that is! One of my very favorite Christmas Songs is "Mary, Did You Know," and she did know--how powerful! A lovely, lovely service indeed!

Anyway, after a double dose of God, I figured it was up to me to take my mother out! I am a homebody, and I do get from my mom, but she takes it to a WHOLE new level! The LAST time my mom and I actually went out (besides to the movies or Target) was January 30th--folks, it's almost November 30th--so it was indeed time!

I took her to Town Square--which she did like, but since all the shops were outside and it wasn't even 50* outside, we decided to head down the Strip where the shops are INSIDE.

I can't say I blame her, neither one of us likes being cold--at all. Kinda one of the reasons we moved from Reno, but I digress--the cold followed us and I swear it gets colder and colder here very year!

ANYWAY....we went the Miracle Mile Shops @ Planet Hollywood and had so much fun! We stopped at Urban Outfitters, Aveda Natural Hair Care Shop, and looked at a lot of cool fashion, chunky jewelry--which for some reason, I am totally into lately! We didn't buy anything, but we had a lot of fun anyway!

My mom and I really don't get out that often and when we do, I really like being the "hostess" for her. We've lived her a while now and my mom literally almost lives in her bedroom--so once in a while, I have to drag her out of the house and show her how cool Vegas really is! Well, most of the time, it's cool!

I actually do love living here now, (I'm so glad I wasn't raised here though, no offense to Native Las Vegans, I'm just so glad and proud to be from Reno!). Vegas, though, it's a city like none other, that's for sure. It's got an energy and an excitement to it that I really enjoy--(I don't really drink or gamble or Vegas things like that, but I still like it anyway). Perhaps it's because I'm still in my 20s, but either way, when I'm in the mood--where I live is definitely the perfect place to "Paint the Town"!

I was proud to show my mom around, even though she's lived her longer than I have, I've gotten to really experience Vegas on all different levels. I'm so grateful for that!

Anyway, mom and I did have Pizza and Raspberry Gelato at The Paris Casino and it was really yummy! And pretty reasonably priced for food on the Strip (it can get expensive)--so I'll definitely have to remember that place. Normally, I don't like anyone's pizza but my own (you all know I'm a food snob), but this was really delicious!

Again, I got my mom on the Strip! That so rarely happens--actually, most of us locals don't go down there unless it's a special occasion or we have company in town.

Anyway, after all the Las Vegas Strip fun, we went to the Red Rock Casino to see the movie "Burlesque" and it was AWESOME! I mean, literally, awesome! Such a fun, high-energy, electrifying, sexy movie--something for everyone really! Being that my mom and I are huge musical fans, we thoroughly enjoyed it!

My mom and I do go to the movies about every four months, but like I said, other than that, we really don't go anywhere together--except to church. But, she was feeling kind of down yesterday and was worried about stuff (everything, really) and I felt like it was time for us to "paint the town" together, on a very tight budget, of course--we're not rich you know!

The truth is, it really didn't matter what we did today. Shoot, last week we went to my Meditation Group together and then got some Chinese Food. When she first got Sundays off I was a bit worried because I thought she'd be all up in my space. Sorry, I love her, but she's my mom and I'm a person who NEEDS my time alone (although I don't actually want to be alone, just have some time alone occasionally)--so I was concerned. But, it has turned out great! Even though we live together, I really don't see my mom except for Sundays. It's kind of nice that Sunday is our day to hang out together, and we always have a great time--regardless of what we do!

I love you, mom, thanks for another great Sunday with you! It's a privilage to be your daughter, friend and Vegas Hostess!

The truth is, since we found out about my Grandma having Alzhiemer's--my mom and I have kind of leaned on each other. We're both dealing with it in profoundly different ways, but we can be there for another right now, at a time when we both need each other. And that's a really nice a big blessing too!

Don't get me wrong, I am figuring out who I am apart from being their daughter, and grandaughter. I will always be happy to be, and proud to be, those things--to two incredible women! But, I am my own woman too, and I like the autonomy I'm finally acheiving in my life--it's so nice! It's great to have a loving relationship with my parents (mom, grandma) but to also know who I am too--seperate and apart from them--that's important too. That's their job too, as parents, to make me able to stand on my own two feet--or at least, think for myself l. I miss my grandma TERRIBLY, but I KNOW I will be okay and I WILL survive and go on without her. I certainly don't want to sometimes, but I CAN--and that's the whole point of autonomy.

I was reading a few articles in the newspaper this evening (that's what I did when I got home from the long day of church and fun!) about parents of people my age struggling with letting their children go. Letting their children be autonomous. I'm sure it would be hard to do that, I mean, I'm not a parent, but I can imagine it would be difficult to do that. However, it is necessary. The articles talked about how parents "hover" over their young adult children because it is THEY (the parents) who are really afraid of how THEY will handle the world and make THEIR way in it, aside from being a parent. I think that's true. The parent/child relationship is the deepest, more intrinsic and complicated relationship out there. I asked my mom about the articles and she said to some degree, that's true. Kind of neat, I guess--that my mom and I are recognizing how we feel about each other and what our individual roles play in our mother/daughter/friendship relationship.

I'm actually recognizing what my role plays in a lot of relationships in my life lately--autonomy doesn't only happen with parents, it can happen with spouses and friends too. Let's face it, there are TWO people in every single relationship we have--ourselves and the other person. We have to recognize our role in those relationships. Whether that relationship be parental, between syblings, friends or a marriage. We are all really only responsible for ourselves and the only person we MUST deal with, is ourselves. Autonomy is a good thing. It's not saying that we don't need each other, because we do. But so often when complications arise in relationships (again, regardless of their nature) it's because we've forgotten how to be autonomous of each other. We've forgotten to respect that we're two different individuals with different wants, and needs and opinions. And if we don't, or won't, voice them to each other, than there's bound to be conflict. At the end of the day though, we can only rely on ourselves. This is part of autonomy.

Wow, I didn't mean to go so deep in this post, but I guess I just felt moved to write that.

I know one thing--I will always be incredibly, tremendously blessed to have been born my mother's daughter. I know damn good and well that I would not be sitting here typing this without her. (My mother.)

But, as her mother has gotten ill and basically, gone away from us--I've realized the sheer and utter importance of blazing your own trail in life. Because the fact is, you can be as close as peas and carrots with your parents (or grandparents)--and thank God I am, but someday--God will take them home. And those parents (or grandparents) will not be here.

It is sad and terrifying and awful to even think of that, at least it is for me, but it's also true. It's just true. We're all going to die, someday, eventually, and it's that fact that makes our TIME with those we love, here and now, even more precious. It's that fact that makes me carve out time for my mom and I without a second thought.

I can, and do make my own decisions. I can and do have my own life--I work, I go to spiritual stuff on my own--I have my own friends, my own space in the apartment, my own car, way of cooking and cleaning and thinking. I have not become so much like my mother that I have melded into her completely--but I do like her. I do want to spend time with her. It's just a blessing that we both enjoy each other's company so much--most of the time--we're both blessed by that!

Anyway, my point is, we had a great time today and I know my mother needs me right now. That is the season of my life--and truth be told--I need her too. Do you ever stop needing your mother for one thing or the other? I don't think so. I know she needs her mother too, right now, but she (Grandma) isn't often accessible, and that breaks my heart. I cannot dictate how my mother reacts to HER mother's demise, but I can certainly spend time with my mother, and be there for her--as support system, an ear, and a shoulder to cry on. God knows she (my mom) has been mine many, many, many times.

Oh, I DID get to talk to my Grandma today!!! It was positively AWESOME--it really made my WHOLE week--sincerely! After the first church service this morning (after Sarah & Mike gave their talks) I got a feeling to call my grandma. I thought "I'll call her later" and all of the sudden, I felt this calm peace come over me and I knew I had to pick up the phone. So, I pulled over and dialed her number. I haven't talked to my grandma-since her birthday (Nov. 7th) really, so this was SUCH a wonderful, pleasant surprise for me!

She couldn't say much, as the multiple strokes have left her speech impaired--but by Golly, she knew who I was! SHE KNEW WHO I WAS!!! I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

It's such a gift and a relief when they know who are you--because you never know, with Alzhiemer's patients, if/when they will know who you are. There's no telling--one day, or one hour to the next---just who and what exactly they'll remember. And today, my Grandma knew who I was!!! She said "I love you, a lot, my Precious. I love you so much," and you know what, even though I would've loved to chatted for a bit--that was really all I needed. It was so fantastic--it really did make my week! The blessing of Thanksgiving for me, and I am most thankful for it!

Last night, I sang in my room, and it was so much fun! I don't care that I can't really sing that well, it's so healing for me to do so. It's a healthy escape too. Anyway, as I was singing I was thinking "All I really want for my birthday is some nice cards and for my grandma to remember that it's my birthday and perhaps even call me and wish me Happy Birthday, that would be awesome!" And it would be, I'm praying for that long and hard, believe me.

Anyhow,I sang "Gaurdian Angels" by The Judds and I was thinking of my ancestors who were also incredibly strong women. And how I DO know them "from the stories my dear grand mama tell". It was such a lovely, peaceful moment--standing there in my room, singing that song--it was almost a spiritual experience, and most definitely calming. Thank You God for that Peace and Serenity!

Anyway, I had a great Thanksgiving! I went to Colin's family's house and we had a great time! It was great to see my in-laws and hang out with all the babies, they're so cute! The food was great and I was so blessed to be invited over--really, such a pleasant, lovely time!

I took myself to a movie on Friday--for the first time in almost 2 years--all by myself, I went to see "Love & Other Drugs," with Jake Gyllenhal and Anne Hathaway (who I have always liked). It was really good. Kind of crass, and definitely not for the religious folks, but it was funny and touching. I really enjoyed it, and I'm glad I took myself out!

That's the thing, I do everything on a budget, but sometimes, you gotta just GO. Enjoy life, do what you want. If you do what you MUST, take care of yourself and others, than by God, you've earned the time to just relax and enjoy. I'm so glad I was able to do all of that this weekend--see two great movies, rest, relax, spend time with family, friends and my mom. I was able to get some stuff done around the house and just chill out.

As much I love and adore my job (and I am looking forward to going back on Tuesday), I really needed this little mini stay-cation (5 days off). It's been so nice, and best of all, I still have 1 full day off! Fabulous! I'm not putting on ANY makeup tomorrow! I dressed up today for church! I looked pretty, but I normally don't like dressing up on my weekends, so it'll be nice to just hang out in casual clothes and NO makeup tomorrow! Yay!

I really do have such a blessed life, and when I read the Sunday Paper tonight (okay, not all of it), I realized I was even more blessed by all the GOOD news going on in Las Vegas! I mean, first off, to be ABLE to read, and have ACCESS to a paper and read what I darn well choose in there--and form my own individual opinion about it all--ALL of that right there is a huge blessing! But, to hear about such terrific news around my own community, it's just wonderful! For instance:

A Nurse Residency Program at Valley Area Hospitals that helps newly graduated RN's enter into nursing a lot easier. Because "teamwork saves lives" boy can I vouch for that!? And apparently, it costs hopsitals around $80,000 to replace an RN when they quit. The scary thing about nursing is that when someone makes a mistake, sometimes someone else dies--but luckily, with the new Residency Program, they're hoping to lessen the amount of errors and fatalities. So neat!

Also great news, the fact that even poor Las Vegans all tend to give more during the holidays Who cares WHEN, as long as people ARE giving something back, it's always so nice to see! It's inspiring too! So many are such dire need of help, I wish I could help more--I pray for them all, though, that's for sure.

Oh, also in good news: the fact that the Small Business Association is going to loosen up their tight grip on loans and possibly start lending more. The fact that a really shady neighborhood is getting a new housing complex/community center run by volunteers.

Really, it's so encouraging to see all of this WONDERFUL news in my own community--Lord knows there's certainly enough bad stuff around Vegas, (it IS "Sin City" after all) so it's always AWESOME to hear such GOOD stuff! The Lord is powerful for sure! And while I've always purposely sought OUT good news, it's so wonderful to see the local paper actually PRINTING good news!

To pick up a newspaper--or turn on your TV--and read/hear about NICE, GOOD NEWS--it's positively awesome!

It's also positively awesome that I have a warm home, a comfy bed, a job, food, clothing and tolitries! It's awesome that I got to spend time with my mom--and that while I have enjoyed my little vacation, I actually have a job to go back to! It's awesome that I can sit here and type this--and think for myself. It's awesome that I have cute purses and hair on my head (out of left field, I know--but I was looking at my purse just now and twirling my hair.) It's awesome that I am realizing the importance of carving out my own identity--but doing so in polite, nice and respectful way that doesn't push my loved ones away from me, but rather, draws them nearer to me and makes them proud of me (I hope)! It's awesome that I got spend this weekend with family and friends and also, a little by myself. That I got to go see 2 movies and relax! It's awesome that I can wiggle my toes and have warm feet because of socks! It's awesome that I could go take a hot shower if I so wanted to, and that I can go to my kitchen sink, and get a glass of clean water to drink!

Yes, indeed, I am so blessed--by so much!

Thanksgiving Weekend has always been one of my favorite times of the year and this year was no different! It's the official start of the Christmas Season which I also love! I'm so excited, I just love this time of year--Christmas, Thanksgiving, my Birthday, New Year's and all! So much fun! :)

Thank You, Lord, for all of my bountiful and beautiful blessings--I owe it all to You--it is because of You!

Have a terrific week, everyone!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Happy Thanksgiving: Adjusting to A New Normal, Being Happy & Content!

2010-11-25T11:13:00.000-08:00

"...Gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder."
~G.K. Chesterton

*I might repeat myself in this entry, but I don't care! I'm not about self-editing today, I'm just going with what I feel--and feeling great happiness & gratitude today!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

This is my first Thanksgiving in 17 years without Nellie, and I know I sound like a broken record on this blog, but man, I miss her today--SO MUCH!

It is so weird to not have her here, walking around, meowing, getting underfoot while I'm trying to cook a big meal. Weird not have her on my lap, weird not to wake up next to her and cuddle with her at night. Just weird.

I know, I know, I had 16 years with her, and I'm grateful for every moment. But being as how this IS my first Thanksgiving without her in a long, long, long time--it's totally normal to feel this way, I think.

This is also my first Thanksgiving without my Grandma Elizabeth. Even though she's still alive, I can't talk to her, and that's also sad. I miss her, too, SO MUCH--every day.

But, this is my new normal--and I have to say, it's not too bad.

In truth, the only thing I'm making today is an Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie, I'm going to Colin's family for Thanksgiving--which is great! I'll have a wonderful time, eat lots of yummy food and visit with some truly terrific people!

However, this Thanksgiving is entirely different in a number of ways. Even though I haven't actually spent a Thanksgiving with my Grandma Elizabeth in seven years--since I last lived in Reno--this is the first Thanksgiving that I can't call her. Or, watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on the phone with her. That was our tradition--we'd always watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade together--whether in person or on the phone.

When I was a child, and teenager, Grandma, Mom and I would cook together on Thanksgiving, before which, we'd all watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! My mom cried this morning thinking about that, my heart breaks for my mom--I pray for her all the time. Anyway, on Thanksgiving Day, my Grandma would get up really early (around 6am) start on the Turkey and such, and then at 9am--when the Parade came on--everything stopped. All the cooking and cleaning came to a screeching halt and we'd sit down and watch the parade. The last six years, we'd call each other throughout the Parade, talk during the commercials and comment on the different floats and musical acts. The NY City Rockettes were Grandma's favorite act. She wanted to be one when she was my age, so she always really liked them. So, even though I haven't been physically with her in six years on Thanksgiving Day, it's weird that I can't call her up and chat today. I don't know if I'll ever get used to that.

This Thanksgiving is also different and weird because for the first time in my WHOLE life--my mom is working today. My mom has not worked a Thanksgiving in 27 years. I'm thinking this was a bad year for her to start, but I'm managing. Even through it all, I really am so happy and content, it's weird that I can miss two people so very much and still have such a peace about it all. And hey, at least my mom is alive and well and I can talk to her, you know.

It's not that I'm depressed, I'm not--at all--sad, a bit, yes, but not depressed. It's quite the opposite actually.

I'm tremendously thankful for this day and incredibly humbled by all that I have to be thankful for!

I remain incredibly happy that I'm alive and breathing and that most of my loved ones are too!

I'm beyond thankful for the wonderfully happy memories I have of my Nellie, and my Grandma.

But, I would be lying (and it wouldn't be healthy) if I didn't acknowledge that this Thanksgiving is very different for me. It's totally normal to feel this way when it's your first holiday without beloved people.

In all reality, though.......none of my holidays will ever be the same.

I'm not saying that to be dramatic or sad, 'cause I'm not.

It's just the truth, holidays ARE different now, I have to acknowledge that. It's not today that's bothering me so much, it's the fact that ALL of the rest of them will be different too.

Weird. I think EVERYONE has hard time, though, missing those who are no longer here--when the holidays arrive. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy them anyway.

Grandma and Nellie aren't coming back, I have to accept that, I have and I can--but that doesn't mean I stop missing them. Their absence will be noticeably felt, every holiday from now on. This is just how it is, so I do need to get used to it.

But, with this being my FIRST holiday without (both of) them, I honestly think that if I wasn't feeling their absence, I wouldn't be human.

My missing them doesn't mean I have to linger in it or let it ruin my day, in fact, it's quite the opposite. But, to be honest, I haven't missed Nellie like this since probably the beginning of October.

It's just a weird Thanksgiving on all different levels.

Oh well, this is my new normal--and it is what it is what it is. (And no, that's not a typo).

I'm not going to waste precious energy wishing things were different when they clearly cannot be.

I don't have the power to bring them back, but God does have the power to give me peace anyway--and has already blessed me with awesome memories of two precious souls!

Anyway, I wrote another poem last night. Actually, this morning (around 1am)--and as I was writing it, I was reminded that I usually always write something on Thanksgiving Day. It's just an inspiring holiday! I mean, even in the absence of family and friends, what's NOT to love about a holiday that is ALL about FOOD & GRATITUDE?! Seriously, it's awesome!

I enjoyed writing the new poem and I'm especially happy about it because they've been coming to me quite easily lately--and in droves. I'm happier when I'm writing, I just do better. Even though it's hard to find the time to actually sit down and write, or put my creative thoughts to paper (or computer screen, let's be honest)--I'm so satisfied when I do!

I'm really thankful that I know what works for me--I think I take such good care of myself because I am well aware of makes me happy and makes me well. Writing, meditating, praying, talking with my girlfriends, time in my house alone--to myself, cooking, plenty of sleep, clean sheets, time in the sunshine, and yes, lately, even baking. I never thought I'd say that one, but I do like to bake now--at least more than I used to! LOL! Honestly, though, I have my own "wellness plan," and I'm so thankful I know what works for me and what makes me happy.

I think it's important to know what makes you happy, and focus on those things--instead of what makes you un-happy. Happiness is a choice, it really is.

And since I know darn good and well that I can change the absent status of my Grandma and Nellie, I might as well be happy and find joy anyway!

I talked to Tessa this morning and she helped me so much, she always does, just by listening. I'm so glad she answered her phone, I really needed to talk to someone right then--and cry a bit--not a bawling, "oh my god" kind of cry, but a tearing up--a remembrance of those I love & miss--and a grateful recognition of those that ARE still here! I am so blessed to have such a awesome friends, and especially Tess, who is so supportive and wonderful--I'm thankful for her every day!

I had a lot of fun baking my pumpkin pie today--it's Paula Deen's recipe, actually, but I've been making it for years now. I started it because I just don't like regular Pumpkin Pie--but I like mine! It may be the only dish I'm making today (which I'm half bummed, and half relived about)--but I made it with lots of love, joy and light! I rolled out the crust and pieced it together in the pie pan--I purposely wanted it to look homemade--and it does--yay! It smells good too, it's baking in the oven right now! Yum!

I am SO looking forward to dinner tonight! I'm going to pig out--for sure! That'll make me happy, no doubt about it! I'm not a complicated woman, give me good food that feeds both my tummy and my soul and I'm pretty much happy camper! I seriously love Thanksgiving!

I am glad I'm not just thankful today, though. I think too many people are--only Thankful around this time of year, and that's sad. I can honestly say that I am truly grateful every single day of my life--regardless of what's going on around me. I may not even be happy all the time (and that's okay), but I AM always grateful. Even in my darkest moments, I can always find something to be grateful for! I like that about myself!

Anyhow, my pie is out of the oven and it looks good! The crust does indeed look homemade, it came out very nice, so I'm happy! It smells delicious too--so I'm definitely going to take a small piece at dinner tonight!

I am so blessed--even though my Nellie and Grandma aren't here--I still have wonderful family to go too! I will always miss Nellie and Grandma--but this is my life now--and at least I got 16 to 26 and 1/2 fabulous, beautiful, joyous years with both of them! Today, I am most thankful for that!

Thank You, Lord, for all of my many blessings! For time with loved ones, family and friends--and most of all, amazing happy memories! Thank You for giving both my Grandma and I--and Nellie and I--a chance to have a long, good, good-bye. Or least, as good as good-bye's can be. Thank You for not taking them from me suddenly, giving me time to process their impending physical absence in my life. Thank You for letting me tie up lose ends with Grandma--and know--really know--without a shadow of a doubt--that we have truly loved and admired each other. For letting me know that she loved me and appreciated me, and letting me know that SHE knows that I have loved and appreciated her--and always will. Thank You for the PEACE I'm feeling today, and the peace You've bestowed upon me, even in their absence. For watching over all of my family and friends and blessing us all so abundantly--thank You, Lord, for it all!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Don't forget to tell those you love that you love 'em, and be sincerely thankful not just today, but every day! No matter what, all of us do have so much to be thankful for!

God Bless Us Everyone!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Loving Life: accepting what you cannot change, learning from where you've been, changing the world in little ways & being happy anyway!

2010-11-23T09:43:00.000-08:00

This post is about some things I've learned, and things I'm doing, right now. It's about finding happiness no matter what.

And of course, in my life, a lot of my happiness comes from my love of food, so here we go......

There's a chef on The Cooking Channel whose name is Sandy and in the promo for the station, he says "My grandma never had any formal training and she never used recipe. But she knew how to cook and knew how to feed a lot of people. I developed a passion for food from a very early age, because of her."

That's exactly how I feel too!

Although my grandma did follow recipes when she was trying something new in the kitchen, "you gotta try it," she would say--most of her cooking was simply the result of her mind and her creativity. That's why it's so hard sometimes to think of her as having Alzheimer's--if there was anyone who was as sharp as a tack, always trying new things and was abundantly and consistently creative--it was my grandma. But, she does have Alzheimer's and I will not allow that vicious disease to rob me of my happiness too. I just won't.

Back to the cooking, I can count on less than one hand the number of times (in my lifetime at least) my grandma messed up the food. That's a pretty darn good record if you asked me. I've made more than my fair share of kitchen mistakes, but the older I get, the less I make of them. I think that's a lot like life. I also think that's why I don't mind getting older. The fleeting sense of time sometimes bothers me, but overall, the older I get, the wiser (I hope) I get. The more I continue to grow and learn, and hopefully, dear Lord, the less mistakes I will make. We always will make them, in some form or another, but, hopefully--much like cooking in a kitchen--the more experienced we get (in life or the kitchen) the less mistakes we make. Or at least, we make new mistakes.

I think that's one of the greatest things about cooking and knowing your way around a kitchen, not only do you learn how to make great food and sustain your life (literally) by feeding yourself well, and joyfully. But you learn a lot about life in general--being open to trying new things, knowing when something just isn't going to work out, what ingredients you need to stockpile, when to put something on the back burner for a while, or turn it down all together. When to add some spice or extra salt, and/or when it could be a little sweeter. Learning to use whatever you have, without always having to buy more of something. See, a lot of my life lessons have come from the kitchen!

I've been cooking on my own(with a lot of help from both mom and grandma) since I was 10 years old, so at nearly 27, I've been cooking solo for almost 17 years now. I'm glad I have a few things figured out by now. LOL! But, that doesn't mean it was always that way. I've had to throw out many a dishes because I royally messed them up! But, much like my grandma was patient with me in her kitchen, I've learned to be patient with myself too. I will NEVER know it ALL, and that's okay.

Speaking of my grandma,some of my favorite memories of her are in the kitchen when she was cooking or baking. Whenever I think of her, I automatically picture her in one of two places--her sewing room, or the kitchen. The sewing room was hers, that was her space and her world. And she was a damn excellent at that too! But, the kitchen was our place together--it was the space where we connected and learned from, and about, each other. It was a big form of communication for us, and I think that's one of the reasons I love cooking today--because it remains a form of communication for me. It's one way that I communicate my love for others--cooking is that way for a lot of people.

It does sadden me that I will most likely not ever be in the kitchen with my grandma ever again. But, still, I am happy with my life today.

I miss my grandma so much, I even still miss my Nellie so much. Some days are better than others concerning both of them. And although I wish they were still here, I am still happy with my life today.

I love my life, I really do!

Today is one month from my birthday, and in 30 days, I will turn 27. It'll be my first birthday without both Grandma and Nellie, and when I look back on 2010--for all the crap that's happened this year, I will think "that's the year I lost Nellie and Grandma, but it's also the year I learned how to deal with loss, and I grew up a lot."

At the beginning of this year, I said I wanted to cook more, learn how to make more different cuisines, and continue on my spiritual path in a really big way. And I have done both.

I think the fact that I've lost two of the most beloved people (yes, I know Nellie was a pet, but she was a real person to me) in my life, that have ever, and will ever be, in my life, kind of FORCED me on a spiritual path.

I didn't know it a year ago, but yes, my spiritual path would be knocked wide open this year--be careful what you ask for, right? I'm just kidding, in all sincerity, lessons don't always come in the form we expect them too. I wanted to "go deep" spiritually speaking, this year, and I did. I had to. It was either that, or stay in a deeply negative, bitter, sad and quite miserable place.

For all intents and purposes, I could have gone completely crazy this year--I had many reasons too--this past summer being a particularly difficult one. But, as one of my favorite Wynonna Judd songs says "when you hit rock bottom, you've got two ways to go, straight up or sideways." I'm happy to say I've gone straight up! Enough people in my life also went sideways this past year, so I couldn't do that either, not like I wanted to anyway. And I'm not saying that to judge them--at all. Believe me, I understand that in a huge way now. I used to think that not being able to handle something was a weakness, when in reality, admitting when you can't handle something is a huge strength. But, I digress. Besides, everyone I know has had a particularly difficult time this year, in some way, with some thing. And so I'm no different than them. I have just chosen to use it to my advantage, and I've handled it the best way I know how. (Again, I didn't always handle it "right".)

Don't get me wrong, I WISH they were things that were different in my life. I wish my best girlfriends lived closer to me, instead of 600--1200 miles away. I wish a few key people in my life--who were promising over and over again that they would, change or had changed--had kept their promises. (But if they had changed, I wouldn't have learned so much from them). I wish my Grandma was still well and healthy and Nellie was still here. But, despite all that, none of which I have ANY control of over by the way, I am truly happy with my life right now.

I can respect the time and season of everything that's happened this year. Nellie and Grandma served their purpose in my life--and their purpose in my life will CONTINUE. Their significance in my life hasn't come a halt simply because they're not here anymore. If they were supposed to be in my life today, they would be.

I can totally respect God's plan. And I DO trust Him. I don't always agree with Him, and I have most certainly QUESTIONED him over the past year--but I think we all do that at some point. And yes, I've even been angry with God at some points this year--but that's okay. Sometimes, you have to get angry so you can look at the deeper picture that is begging for your attention. Sometimes, anger can propel you into change.

That's what I've done this year, I've used my anger in a healthier way. Instead of letting it sit and settle and stew inside me, I've released it--a lot. Not in a destructive or violent way--but through other means. A lot of prayer, I think, helped the most. A lot of realizing that I'M not perfect, and never will be, helped too. The fact that I'm not EXPECTED to be perfect, so I cannot expect perfection from others--that probably helped the most!

There will never be perfection--from myself or anyone else--at least not on this Earthly Plane. I've truly realized that this year. That doesn't mean I can't keep striving for it--and improving myself and the lives of those around me in a positive way. It's just relinquishing the need (from myself and others) to always be right or perfect.

I've recognized that there will always be fantastic parts of life (which I'm always good at recognizing) and not so fantastic parts of life. And that the two can co-inside together. One little part of your life that isn't going so swell does not have to define your overall attitude about life.

I think I'm coming back to myself in a really big way, and I like that!

When I was a baby, toddler and even small child, I LOVED life! Who doesn't really at that age, but you know what I mean. And then, as a teenager, I still loved it but it bothered me half the time--everything bothered me back then. Again, one could say that everything bothers a teenager, right? But, I have always felt everything so intensely, that a lot of times, I let those feelings or stubborn opinions stand in the way of my happiness--and that was dumb. I've always been a positive person, but finally, a month shy of 27, I'm also a sincerely happy one.

If you went around and polled people that know me they'd say "she's always been happy," and for the most part, I have. I can always find SOMETHING to be happy about--but on the flip side, I could always find PLENTY of things to be UN-happy about. What I've realized this year, is that those things will always be there. Life will always be hard in SOME capacity--but more often than not, it really IS only as hard as we make it. And too darn often in my life, I've made it way harder than it had to be.

But, now, I try my best not to do that anymore, and thus, I'm happy.

It's not because I "have it all," even though in many, many ways I feel like I do!

It's not because I don't have bad days or am always happy with the way people around me conduct themselves, or for that matter, the way I conduct myself.

It's not because I live in some Utopian world where everything is blissful and easy. It's because life is too darn short to NOT be happy.

It's because I firmly believe that what we GIVE OUT, comes back to us TENFOLD!

I learned that from my grandma, and my mama too!

It is true that my life will never be the same without my grandma, and I will most likely miss her every single day. But that doesn't mean I have to live in the missing of her and stop living all together. In fact, it means quite the opposite--it is my responsibility to go on living without her because that is how she raised me, and that is what she'd want me to do. So I will, and I intend on being darn happy about it!

I'm still here, and that alone, is reason enough to be happy!

"True beauty comes from a kind heart, a joyful soul, and a well exercised mind."

I had lunch with a good friend yesterday and she said to me, "I've known you for two years, and I've never seen you look so good. Your hair looks great, your skin is glowing, you look marvelous! What are you doing?" I said "Oh, not worrying about things I clearly can't control, taking care of myself again." She said I didn't look stressed at all. And it dawned on me "I'm not!" I COULD stress out, by why? What's the point?

In fact, nearly everyone this past week has said something about how good I'm looking lately. The last week has been like "You look really nice. You look so good! You're adorable! You're hot! Did you do something different to...you look great!"

I'm not saying this to brag (although it did make me feel good, I won't lie), I'm saying this because my heart is kinder lately, my soul is rejoicing in so much and well, I've certainly been exercising my mind.

My inner happiness is radiating outward from me. My peace and lower stress level is shinning through. Because I've let a lot go and recently and I AM happy!

Those compliments were very nice to hear, of course, but more importantly, it got me thinking--I am truly happy with my life because I've realized, when I'm kind and joyful, loving and patient--that's exactly I receive from others. When I stop trying to fix everything and everyone--boy does it free up A LOT of time and energy!

I am no longer interested in giving other people my power--and I'm not talking about power to control or fix or instruct--but my spiritual reservoir of power. I'm not giving it away anymore.

I can't say I'll always be this good at it, or that I won't slip up and let something, or someone, just overtake me. But, it occurred to me the other day that hey, if I COULD fix the world at large, it'd be pretty darn perfect by now. And clearly, I can't (fix it).

I CAN help it, I CAN encourage it. I CAN do my part to make it a better, more loving and positive place. I CAN be happy for no good reason. I can be grateful that I'm simply alive and breathing. I CAN support my loved ones and continue to listen to them and tell them just how much I cherish them. I CAN let go of hold hurts that are way past their expiration date and I CAN wake up each day, just happy to be here. Most of all, I can respect the places that I've been (literally and figuratively) and the place that I am today.

All of the above is how I can change the world!

It's not about imparting my sole opinion on someone who doesn't want to hear it anyway. It's not about telling others how to live their lives, because when I do that, I disrespect THEIR place and where THEY are in THEIR journey of life. It's not about donating thousands of dollars to a charity--although that's nice and I'd do it if I had the extra thousand or so laying around. It's not about hosting big huge benefits with big fancy dinners (although again, that'd be fun if I had the means to do so).

It's about little things. It's about tiny differences in my own attitude. It's about striving to maintain a cheerful disposition. Someone called me cheerful the other day, and I quite liked that. I want to be cheerful, too many people are not. Again, that's okay for them, maybe they can't find a reason to be cheerful, and Lord knows I've been there many, many times. But, my point is, I used to think that I had to change the world in some BIG, HUGE way. That if I wasn't famous or didn't have a lot of money, I would never be able to leave my mark on the world. And that just isn't true.

I can help the world in so many little ways--and it all adds up. By just being kinder, gentler, more patient. (With myself and with others. By maintaining a calm resolve WITHIN myself and working hard (sometimes I have to work really hard) not to let this crazy world get to me. By setting up firm, healthy boundaries, that do not keep people out and away from me, but rather, invite them in--in a safe and healthy manner....

By holding the door open for someone, or giving them a compliment. By looking a person in the eyes when they speak to me--regardless of who they are. By listening intently to someone when they speak--admittedly, I need to work on this a little more. By sincerely wishing someone well.

By sending each person I pass a little love and a little light.

By carrying on my families recipes and strength. By being a person of integrity--which I define as saying what I mean and meaning what I say. (I've always been pretty good at that one).

THIS is how I can change the world.

Someday, I may "GO BIG" with larger efforts to change the world, but right now, I do not feel it is my time to "go big!" It is my time to be quiet, listen, learn--share my knowledge thus far and perhaps, later on, some day--I'll change the world in an even bigger way! Who knows?

Do I WANT to be a famous Author? Yes. Do I WANT to share my story and my personal gifts with the world? Absolutely! Have I done that already on some teeny tiny level? Yes, I have.

By the way, when I say my personal gifts, I don't mean that I'm some gifted person who is better than anyone else walking this Earth--because I'm not.

My mama was so right in teaching me that I'm no better, and no worse, than anyone else.

But, we ALL have personal gifts--I believe, a special talent or thing we excel at. Some are good at math or science, or cooking or writing. Some are good at cleaning and organizing. Some are good at speaking or helping others in a physical way. Some are good at playing music, drawing or singing. Some are good at sports or gardening or building things. Some are good at being parents or spouses or sisters. Some are good at teaching or inspiring others. Everyone is good at something--I firmly believe that we ALL have different gifts and it's supposed to be that way. No one can be good at everything, because than we wouldn't need each other, and more importantly, we'd never learn from each other.

While I am good at writing and cooking, and I'd like to think I've been a great daughter/granddaughter and friend--there are a TON of things I can't do or am not great at. That doesn't mean I couldn't be better at certain things if I tried, or that I think negatively of myself. It's just that being able to admit both your strengths, and weaknesses, is important. I'm happy to say that for the most part, I know both of mine! And that's one of the things that makes me happy about my life today.

I don't need to talk myself down to let others rise up, nor do I need to brag incessantly while inadvertently making others feel bad. I just know what I'm good at, and what I'm not. I have absolutely no problem giving credit where it is rightfully due. I have absolutely no problem letting others shine, learning from them, passing on THEIR wisdom and strength and creativity and sharing the wealth of knowledge and lessons we all give one another.

I believe we're only as strong as the people we surround ourselves with, and yes, sometimes we have to re-adjust who we are surrounding ourselves with. But, and I say (and always mean) I would NOT be who I am today, or where I am today without every single solitary person in my life!

They're a big part of the reason why I love my life so much!

I'm alive, I'm breathing. I am sitting here on a beautiful Autumn Day--relaxing and writing on my couch. I can hear the garbage truck outside and the pigeons on the roof. I have a nice warm blanket over me that's soft and squishy. I have my grandmother's quilt thrown over me too. She made that for me, with her own two hands; purple and white with bits of green mixed it--totally me! I have plenty of food in the fridge and pantry, I have a fabulous job to go to today. I have amazing friends and family and co-workers. I have a bed to get into at night. I have family to go spend Thanksgiving with. I have the memories of the most terrific Grandma and baby Nellie cat that I could've ever asked for. I have the most awesome mama too! I have friends who support me and encourage me and let me carry on and cry when I need too-that is huge! I have my eyesight, and sense of smell and taste. I can get up and walk anywhere I please, go the bathroom on my own, brush my teeth, wash my face, take a hot shower (or cold one if I prefer). I have running water, and beautiful hair on my head. I have twenty-three physical scars that remind me of how much I've survived. I have a car that runs and another fabulous 27th birthday coming up!

So, after all of that? How could I NOT love my life?

As I said earlier, of course there are things that I wish were different. The things I CAN change, I am changing, and the things that I cannot change, well, I'm sending up a white flag on those!

There is nothing that I can do that will change the fact that Grandma and Nellie are gone--and are not coming back--at least not in a physical sense.

There is nothing I can do to bring them back or change that--I would if I could, but I can't. So, all I can do is miss them, thank them for their time with me, send them love and light and be eternally grateful for having had so many wonderful years with both of them. I honestly wouldn't trade a moment of it!

But, this is a new chapter in my life, and since I can't change their absense--although I'll always feel it--I CAN be happy anyway! I CAN go on and live a life that's full and rich and happy--it's also one of the best ways I to honor them.

I am still a work in progress, as we are all just struggling human beings and people in progress.(Gary Champman said that "People in progress", not me) Every last one of us. But there's comfort in that because we're not alone.

I know that I have come a place of peace and happiness after all that's happened this year because I have simply decided too. I am content with my life. With help from my friends, and family, and even my co-workers (God Bless them all)--I have made it through. I have chosen to be BETTER, not bitter and learn some very important life lessons along the way.

So, yes, I love my life!

And it is my sincere wish that you all love your life too! We don't have to love every part about it, and we can even sincerely dislike many aspects of it, but overall--we need to start loving our lives! It's like that old saying "Love life and life will love you back!" That's so true!

I've seen it first hand and I'm proud to say that by loving others, loving myself and loving life in general--that's how we change the world, folks--one love, and one life at a time!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone--let's be grateful every single day, I know I am! Thank You, Lord, for EVERYTHING!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

6 Years: A Lot of Food, Growth & Love, with more to come!

2010-11-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

Happy 6th Anniversary, Search Light by Sarah Liz!

I started this blog six years ago today when I was a mere 20 years old! I was blogging before blogging became something everyone does.

I don't remember why I even started blogging, but I'm glad I have. While I do have to admit that I wish I was more consistent with my posting, overall, this blog has served as quite a nice diary for the last six years of my life. Very cool! :)

I've wanted to come on here and write a lot lately, but I truly have been SO busy. I know everyone says that, and it's no excuse, but sincerely, folks--busy, busy, busy!

Tonight's the night though--in honor of my 6th Anniversary of blogging, I'm writing a new post, hang on tight, it'll be a long, sporadic one!

First off, I've thought about making an "official blog," one that is my "Writer's Blog" you know the kind, where I actually formulate several drafts of a post BEFORE I post it. Where I sit down and write actual, meaningful stuff that has a beginning, middle and an end. But, you know what, I like what this blog is. Like I said, it's like a diary. I try not to get TOO personal on here, and respect others' privacy (as well as my own, of course), but I like that this isn't a "Professional Blog," it's just my little place on the World Wide Web where I share my thoughts, opinions and events of my life! So, for now, I'll keep it the way it is.

Secondly, even though I don't have a "Writer's Blog" I am creating this post in "writer-style," you see, I am eating dinner at my desk (at 10:45pm at night) in order to make this post on time. (Before November 21st that is). I worked until 10pm tonight. I've been working A LOT lately, not too much for my health or sanity, but more than I used to. I'm so blessed to have a job, I really am, but work takes up a lot of your time. I'm sure it does for everyone. Busy is good though and I honestly have so much fun at work, and truly enjoy what I do, that it makes it okay. Anyway, I've been eating at desks a lot lately--last night at my work desk, the night before at a desk in my apartment complex, and the two night's before that--dinner at work again. I'm kind of getting used to it actually--although today, I did sit down at my kitchen table (not a coffee table or a desk for once) and enjoy a positively scrumptious lunch! Yay! I had a Greek Salad, it was delicious!

Anyway, I used to eat at my kitchen table all the time, now I make it there about once a week. I still don't like eating at the coffee table, unless I'm just totally exhausted, but anyway. My point is, for the fifth night in a row--tonight, it's dinner at my desk.

Now that's a writer/hard-worker for you!

Like I said, good thing I enjoy my work so much, I am blessed by that!

So, next week is Thanksgiving and I'm SO excited! I mean, what's not to love about a holiday that is ALL about FOOD & GRATITUDE! Pretty much my two favorite things!

I am so psyched! I get to make my famous Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie (or rather, Paula Deen's famous Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie) and getting together with family--yay! To be honest, last Sunday night I cried my little eyes out when I realized that I would never be able to make a Thanksgiving Spread for my Grandma. She and my mother cooked so many Thanksgiving Meals throughout the last quarter or a century and now, Grandma's too sick for me to ever make one for her. That's sad.

It's too bad too, because I make one heck of a Thanksgiving Meal and I love doing it! Turkey (Whole Roasted), Apple-Cranberry Stuffing, Sweet Potatoes, Spicy Corn, Something Green, Raspberry Cranberry Sauce (which Grandma taught me how to make!) Mashed Potatoes and Gravy and of course, Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie for dessert. Yum! I make Sweet Potatoes, my mom makes candied Yams. She makes them better too, for sure, but Thanksgiving just ain't Thanksgiving without all of the above entrees! I remember one year, mom tried making fancy sweet potatoes w/ orange zest and served them in orange cups--well, she tried at least, they fell all over the oven just as she was taking them out. She was so ticked! I can't say I blame her, but it was pretty funny! The Raspberry Cranberry Sauce I just LOVE and adore--and eat it warm--my grandma gave me the recipe so that's a Thanksgiving standard at my table now too! I'm part bummed, and part-relieved, that I don't have to make a Full Spread this year, because I don't know if I could get through it. I'll have plenty of Thanksgivings to make a spread, and I have already done it twice, so, it's okay--as okay as it can be.

This is my first Thanksgiving, and this coming Birthday/Christmas will be first Birthday/Christmas, without my Grandma Elizabeth. She hasn't died, but she is incredibly, chronically, terminally ill. The reality that my last Birthday/Christmas with her last year (my 26th Birthday, one of the BEST of my life) WAS my last Birthday/Christmas with her, it's quite sobering. It does bother me that I won't be able to have her to MY house for a holiday, but that's just the way it goes.

I haven't mentioned it on here yet, but my Grandma has Alzheimer's.

She is in a Rehabilitation Hospital right now because she also has many physical problems too. So, both her mind and body are literally shutting down on her. Her body remains, yes, but she is gone. The woman I grew up loving and knowing is effectively gone and it is--devastating. I know it's part of life--death and illness--but, this might be one of the most difficult things I ever do. I always knew my grandma would go--I just didn't think I'd lose her slowly. And that's what this is, losing her slowly. But, I got to lose Nellie slowly too, so perhaps there's peace in that. I can honestly that no one in my life (so far) has been CUT OFF from me or taken suddenly and that's a blessing for sure. I've been given the chance to EASE into life without them--Nellie and Grandma. Nellie's been gone three months now and I still miss her nearly every day. My Grandma, I miss even more. She was my confidant, my spiritual mentor, my cooking teacher and one of my best friends. But, I knew (back in April of this year actually) that this day would come. She turned 80 on November 7th so it's not like she hasn't lived a long life, because she has--and as hard as it's been, it's also been a good one. It bothers me most on Saturdays, my Grandma, because that's when I found out about her. When Tessa and I went up to Reno the last weekend of October, I KNEW. Grandma thought that Tessa was her granddaughter. I love Tess to pieces, and if there's ANYONE who I'd WANT as my Grandma's other granddaughter, it would most definitely be Tess. But, whew, anyway, that was hard. My Grandma was always with it, sharp as a tack and by far, the MOST creative person I've ever known. It is sad to not have in my life anymore, but I'm getting used to it. I'm managing. I've cooked A LOT lately and I realized that's because it's my #1 connection to her.

Yes, she was my spiritual mentor, absolutely--but on a very human level, she taught me most of what I know about cooking--and certainly everything I know about baking (which admittedly isn't that much, LOL). My mom taught me to cook too, and so did Food Network, but mostly, it was Grandma. In the last few weeks I've made Roasted Chicken, White Bean Puree, Lasagna Bake (all the ingredients of Lasagna made with Penne instead of Lasagna noodles), Meatballs, Pumpkin Spice Cookies, Vegetable Soup, Shrimp Scampi, Steak, French Fries and Sandwiches. I've basically been cooking/baking anytime I'm home and not sleeping. That's another reason I've not been writing--I've been having fun in the kitchen. I have to say, my meatballs tasted JUST like my Grandma's--the ONLY thing missing was of course was HER love. And when my mom tasted my Lasagna Bake, she said it was like having her mother here again. That made me feel good. I'm not saying this to brag, because it is ALL my Grandma--I am the cook I am because of HER. Food was our connection, our communication. I didn't realize how much of a role she played in my cooking/baking until just these past weeks, and I've cooked/baked so much in order to feel closer to her. Plus, you can't very well cook/bake and think about other stuff because if you do, you'll slice your finger off and/or burn your hand(s). It's a great escape--AND, since it WAS my New Year's Resolution for 2010 (to cook more), I am happy I've actually started doing that again. Better late than never, right!

My grandma taught me most of what I know in the kitchen-and even though I DO have my own style of cooking and little variations, I am so glad, proud and BLESSED by this legacy of food that she has left me. So grateful for it! She and my mom turned me into one heck of a cook! :) I'm still NOT as good as them, but perhaps someday I will be, I hope!

Anyway, my Grandma's impending death has taught me how to LIVE. I know people often say that when someone dies, it makes your re-prioritize and I think that's true. Once you're not in the moments of anger of it--which I do feel sometimes--it DOES make you stop and think. I think because it IS my Grandma who's dying and is already dead in some ways (Alzheimer's robs a person of their memories, personalities and ability to relate)--I have more peace about it than I would if it were someone else. I'm GLAD it's not someone else, though I'm certainly glad it's HER either. Not at all. I hate it. When I really stop and think about the fact that I can no longer just call her up and chat, or check on a recipe, or discuss a major life decision, or turn to her for spiritual advice--I tear up--every time--just as I'm doing now. BUT, of ALL the people in my life, my grandma has taught me that death IS a part of life. That we all have karma to pay and a better place to go beyond this Earthly World. I believe that for whatever reason, she chose to pay a lot of her karma at the END of her life (much like I chose to pay a lot of mine at the beginning of my life). I believe that for whatever reason, which I do not know and may never know--and quite frankly--don't need to know, her time with me is up. I am apparently strong enough and wise enough and spiritual enough to make it on my own. She has given me a lifetime of love, wisdom, recipes and encouragement to go forward with life and make the most of it. I am grateful for her presence in my life every single day and there's not a single day that goes by that I don't feel it, and miss her. But, I'm just so incredibly grateful that I got 26 and a 1/2 good year with her, I really did. And that's more than most grand kids get with their grandma's. I can't imagine my life without her, but I AM learning to live anyway.

Her dying IS teaching me how to live. I want to be kinder, gentler, more compassionate, less judgemental. I love my grandma so very much, but she wasn't always the nicest person on the block, and really, until I came along--she was kind of snooty. I think I changed her for the better, but more importantly, SHE changed ME for the better. She is a lot of the reason I am the person I am today! And I'm so proud of her! She is an amazing woman and she lived well.

The BEST part of all of this is that even now, at the end of her life, I can say this: I know she knows that I have loved her. I know that she knows I respect her. I know that she knows--even through the Alzheimer's, somewhere deep down in her soul--that I admire her and appreciate her and am indebted to her. And I KNOW that she has loved me. I know that she is proud of me. I know that she will live on THROUGH me. I know all of that, and because of that, I am incredibly, tremendously blessed. Because let's face it, not many people can say that about someone, and their relationship with that person, when they die. And I can, so I am blessed.

My grandma taught me a lot of things besides how to cook and bake--I really should've paid more attention to her sewing, but I just liked to wear the creations, instead of learning how make them. Oh well. The biggest thing she taught me is that everything happens for a reason, and that I am always exactly where I'm supposed to be. SHE taught me that, so I sit here and feel a real sense of PEACE, even through the sadness and the grief. It's odd how they can go together so well, but they do.

I have my moments, believe me. I've sat down and cried many times. It's the little things that set it off too--the brutal realizations, other people with their grandmothers, food, a spiritual belief, whatever--I have cried and cried and cried. On my way home from Reno on Halloween Day (I drove there & back--10 hours each way) I stopped FIVE times just to CRY. I literally had to pull over on the side of the road and bawl like a baby. I still tear up about it and two weeks ago Saturday I was functioning at bare minimum. BUT, living in grief, sadness, anger and bitterness is NOT going to help me. And for the first time in the last three years (because the last three have all been rough, let's face it, at least for me) I'm using THIS experience to BETTER me. Like The Judds always say, "Better, not Bitter". I will continue to cry and feel grief and sadness about my Grandma's absence--I'm sure I will. But LIVING like that, letting it CONSUME me, that I will NOT do. I know for a fact (because she told me many times, and actually, prepared me for this time A LOT)that letting ANYTHING fully consume me is NOT healthy or beneficial to anything or anyone. While grief is normal, drowning in it, is not conducive in the long run, so I'm trying my best to rise above it. I'm feeling it, going with it when I need to, crying when I need to, writing about it (even if I don't post it here) and going through the process. I'm NOT stuffing it down, but I am not going to stop living my life because my grandma can no longer live hers.

Just today, I teared up while talking to a lady selling stamps--I literally just teared up thinking about all the Stamping Parties my Grandma and I used to go to when I was a teenager. Luckily, the lady was very nice and understanding, and it only lasted a minute--but I let myself tear up. It's okay, it's normal, it's part of the process. But for the most part, I do feel peaceful about it. Everything happens when it's supposed to, and for a reason. (I know I keep repeating that but I needed to remind of myself of that right now.)

I can't say I'll handle everyone else's deaths in my life so well. I'm only 26 and I know this is the first of many (well, actually Nellie was the first of many--and I knew then that that's one of the reasons she went first, to teach me how to deal with it). I hope and pray each day that NO ONE ELSE goes anytime soon, really. But, I have absolutely no control over that, and while each person, relationship and loss is different--I think if you can learn from each one--and rise above the grief enough to recognize some important life lessons--than their death was not in vain.

I got 16 beautiful years with Nellie and 26 and a 1/2 with Grandma--so even though I miss them--a lot--at least I had that long with both of them! Praise God!

I cannot picture who I would be had my Grandma not been in my life, so I'm just thankful she was!

That being said, I want to let go of little stuff that doesn't matter. We all think of 80 as being old, but it came quick for her. And I'll be 27 next month so I'm getting older too. That's not a complaint, at all, I certainly don't want to be younger again (I can't ever remember being sincerely care-free for more than a week or so at a time, even as a small child, but that's a whole other post!). All I'm saying is, 80 years is really just a drop in the bucket when it comes the grand scheme and time on Earth.

My grandma's deterioration has reminded me of what's important, and what isn't.

I'm actually a lot calmer.

I'm kinder. I'm a heck of a lot more patient. I'm not saying these things to brag, because I know I am not some "fabulous" person for becoming more of these nice qualities, it's just something I'm working on. I'm striving for. And I HAVE noticed that in the last week or two since I've been calmer, kinder and more patient, the world itself is a better place--for me at least.

I know my kindness and patience won't change the world overall, but it ADDS to the positive in it and we all need more of that. My grandma taught me that we should all share our Light with the world, and not so much of our darkness (which we all do have), so I am doing just that. Sharing more of my Light. Every post I write on here I sign off by saying "In Light N' Love," and I got that from Grandma. It bothers me that she won't be around (physically) to see me become a huge successful (possibly best-selling) Author. But, I know she'll be up there--watching over me, and helping me from beyond, I KNOW that. The point is, I've realized the kind of person I want to actually be. (Practice what I preach, I guess.)

Which brings me to my next point--and I'm NOT speaking about my grandma here--some people come into our lives to teach us how we do NOT want to be. Those people that are so rude, cold, callus and irritating--they're not doing that on purpose. #1: they probably don't better. #2: they might not even care and #3: even THEY are here to teach us.

Sometimes you have to be surrounded by someone (or lots of someones) you can't stand so that you can become the person you are meant to be. Not giving IN to that rudeness and irritation is so KEY.

Giving kindness and respect back--simply because they're a fellow human being--is important.

But also equally important is setting boundaries with that person--or people.

Kindness, manners, patience and humility do NOT mean being a doormat with no principles or self-respect. It means putting up healthy boundaries with people you know you need to do that with, and STILL treating them with kindness and respect in the process. See, I'm growing! Imagine that!

In all honesty, in addition to my grandma's life lessons, I've been reading "Love as Way of Life" by Gary Chapman. He also wrote the best-seller "The 5 Love Languages" which is equally awesome! Anyway, in this "Love as a Way of Life" book he states the 7 Characteristics of truly Loving People. And he is not talking about Love in a romantic sense, but authentic love. One thing he mentions is that you can't step down until you step up--when speaking about humility.

Let's face it--I like to talk about myself and I like to share it with the world when I do good. And that's okay. But, I think, and I certainly hope--and I'm making a new concerted effort even more so--that I mention ALL THE OTHERS who got me here!

I truly love and adore and respect and admire my friends and my family--and my co-workers too. I truly love and adore and respect the fact that I would NOT--in any way shape or form--be who I am, or where I am, without every single person in my life. Whether they've brought me love, hatred, hope, joy or impatience. Whether they've brought me good, bad or agitation. God has placed each one of them in my life for a reason, and for a lesson, and I am supposed to learn something from each of them. Whether they teach me something big or small, and regardless of their "title"--whether I call them friend, lover, husband, mother, sister, confidant--it doesn't matter.

I would not be who I am today had it not been for the people in my life so far. And I'm grateful for each of them, every single day.

I know that, and I know that God knows that. I know that God knows my heart, my intentions, my sincere gratitude to Him for all things and people in my life! So, I see it like this: I have humility, but I also have self-confidence. And I don't think there's anything wrong with being proud of yourself (not on an overt or dangerous level, of course) when you do something well. I am very well aware of my weaknesses and negative qualities, and I am certainly no saint--believe me. But I think it's good, and even cool, that I DO KNOW what I am good at, what I excel in and what I am best at.

The book also talks about how you don't have to sacrifice your time and energy to the point of exhaustion to help the world. Being kind to people, being patient, being generous with those in need--it all adds up.

I've wanted to volunteer somewhere for a long time, but between work, school next semester, my family and my health (I can't do everything in a day--no one can, but I certainly can't), I just haven't found the time. And I felt bad about that. But then I realized that I am kind to people, I am courteous. I am generous to those I love and who I get a prompting that I should help.

Again, not saying this to brag--but rather to encourage YOU to know that IT ALL ADDS UP!

Whatever we do in this life, however we act, the way we treat those around us--from the customer at our work, to the clerk at the store and our family and friends as well--good, bad or indifferent, it all adds up. I think you're doing alright when you can lay your head on your pillow at night and have more to be GRATEFUL for, than sorry for.

Believe me, I've had my days where my list of "sorry's" has run long--and we all do sometimes--none of us is perfect and if we never made a mistake, we'd never learn. (How dull would that be!) But, for the most part, when I've gotten in bed at night lately--I've been abundantly grateful and humble before God at the way He has shone through me that day. That's all I'm doing really, is letting Him shine through me.

I'm not doing any of this (being kinder, gentler, more compassionate, less judgemental) to GET anything--even though I have noticed people (for the most part) being kinder to me. I do it because it's the right thing to do. It is how I was raised and it is what I believe. You know, you can hear something your whole life, and not live it--lately, I've chosen to LIVE what I was taught, what I believe in and what I know is right. And that, I am proud of.

Because when I lay my head down at night now, I am satisfied with how I treated my fellow human beings. And that's all you can ask for.

For example, last week at Wal-Mart I got in line and then suddenly realized I'd forgotten something I needed. So I grabbed my stuff and went and got what I'd forgotten and got back in line behind the man who WAS behind me a few minutes earlier. He said "Oh please, take your place back, you were first. Go ahead, get back in line where you were." Isn't that nice?! So sweet!

So, today, I passed his kindness on. This lady at ULTA Beauty was griping and moaning about wait--granted, one of the sales associates was kind of obvlivious to the growing line, but perhaps she had a lot on her mind or was busy with other things, I don't know. Anyway, this lady behind kept going on about the long wait so I just turned around and said "Would you like to go ahead of me. It's okay" She just STOPPED, and said "No, that's okay, but thank you so much, that's so nice of you." I said " No problem, are you having a rough day?" She proceeded to tell me about it and she WAS having a rough day, even though she chose not to go in front of me, I would've gladly let her. It was a nice exchange with a gentle person who just got a little impatient, and we all have done that.

Earlier this week at my Dr's office--oh Lordy--it was a 2 hour wait! TWO HOURS! God surely knows I'm working on my patience because He certainly tested me that day! LOL! Sincerely. When I got into the little room, I waited for an additional 40 minutes (the 1st 80 mins. were in the waiting room). I was getting pretty peturbed, I must admit. But, instead of getting all impatient, angry and bent out of shape (because really, what would that do? It wasn't going to make my Dr. see me any sooner), I said a prayer, breathed and thought about my Dr. and her other patients. I thought about how she might be having a hard day because maybe there's a patient who needs her more than I do right now. Or perhaps one of her four kids had an incident that morning and she was late coming to the office so she was running behind the whole rest of the day. Or, perhaps she was in pain and just wasn't able to move very fast. I don't know, but I KNEW that by breathing, and thinking of OTHERS, it would change my perspective. And it did--very much so. I was able to breathe deeply and remain calm. I also thought of what my grandma always told me "You are always exactly where you are supposed to be," so I also knew there was SOME reason I was NOT on the road at that moment. Don't get me wrong, I was still a tad irritated--I think most anyone would be after a 2 hour wait--but as soon as I STOPPED being outright impatient and angry--my Dr. finally showed up! Yay! Best of all, she gave ME the same time and attention she gave everyone else, so it was all worth it!

That's what I'm talking about, little changes like that. Nothing major--I haven't won a Nobel Peace Prize, I haven't written anything grand lately. But, I am adding the greatness in the world and sharing my Light--and my grandma would be proud!

In other news, it occurred to me today that I think the reason most men don't look you in the eyes when they speak to you is because thousand sand thousands of years ago, they were hunters and gatherers and in the animal kingdom--direct eye contact is a threat and a sign of danger--what do you all think? Seriously, it could be. I know some men at work who look me in the eye when I'm speaking with them, but for the most part, I think they look around you because their instinct is to protect you. I don't know. It's just a theory. (And no, I don't mean a martial relationship or friendship or sibling where a guy is just clearly being disrespectful and looking at everything BUT you).

What else is going on?

Besides a lot of reading and cooking and working lately, I'm meditating, so that's good too. Right now, I'm working on NOT getting caught up in the chaos and frustration of certain events.

I heard the other day that REAL SPIRiTIUAL POWER is being able to REMAIN CALM in ADVERSITY. We all know that I learned well and good the extent of my STRENGTH the last four months. And while I AM proud of how I conducted myself, for the most part, throughout my Summer/Beginning Autumn from Hell, I didn't lash out at anyone or get violent or scream and yell at them or call them names. I was quite STRONG, and even kind, through all of it. I can't, however, look back and say I was CALM.

So, that's my new goal, let people be who they want to be, do what they want to do (unless they're directly hurting me in some way) and just be responsible for myself.

It is not my job, nor my place, to "fix" someone, I can't change anyone but myself. I've KNOWN that for a LONG time and heard it my WHOLE life, but NOW, now I'm living it.

I think if you like/love yourself and are happy with who YOU are, then there's not so much of a need to fix others.

I'm still a "corrector" by nature, I think. But the more you try and "correct" people, I've found, the more they retreat from you. And that's not what I want.

Again, I'm not a doormat who will just lay down for anyone and take their crap, because I don't. But I also don't have to walk around with a chip on my shoulder ready to grouch out anyone who DARE disagree with me. Okay, I was NEVER like that, but my point is--I've learned and I know my strength--and NOW, I'm learning and knowing my ability to be CALM. Again, I don't always succeed, and when I spoke earlier about bounduires, I meant it. I'm good at those now--not boundaries that keep people out, but boundaries that keep you safe, sound and happy. There's a huge difference. Anyway, the point is, most people are NOT going to change unless they want to, and each of us is on our OWN unique path. They are where they are supposed to be (literally and figuratively) and so am I. Learning to let go of the need to correct, and stay calm through trial--it's important, and I'm LEARNING that. Key word, LEARNING that! LOL!

Whew, this has been a super long post, and I'm tired. I think I've written all that I can for tonight, and definitely what I needed (and wanted) too. I really am going to try and post here more often because it is so good for me and I hope you all as well!

I hope you're all doing well and have a fabulous Thanksgiving! Please remember to give thanks each and every day--and sometimes, every hour! For we are all SO blessed!

Thank You, Lord, for it all, You know what I'm grateful for--always!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. It's funny how even in her death (whether we're talking about her mind/sanity and/or physical being) my Grandma Elizabeth is still teaching me so much--Spiritually Speaking. This is a time of Spiritual Growth for me, I am content, I am happy, I am peaceful. Not because everything is perfect or easy, or because I don't wrestle with anything difficult, but because life is what it is. I am here. I am loved. I have loved and I do love. I never thought my Grandma would continue teaching me until her dying day--literally--I am so blessed to be her grand daughter. Thank you so much, Grandma, I love you, I miss you--and I always will! Peace be with you too. God Bless!

Carving Pumpkins & Family Traditions!

2010-10-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Sunday!

It is chilly and cloudy this morning and I am so enjoying it!

I'm up way too early, but oh well, it's Sunday, I can sleep later.

Anyway, last night my mom and I carved pumpkins together, and it was so much fun!

I have carved pumpkins all my life, it's a Halloween tradition in my house. But, last night, I decided to carve a pumpkin all by myself. My mom was there with me, carving her own pumpkin, but I did all of mine all by myself.

Mom was carving her favorite, Frankenstein, and I was going for a carving of "Happy Halloween," surrounded by ghosts. I got the "Happy Hallowe" part, but couldn't quite form the "N," that's okay, it still looks quite cool!

I cut off the top, scraped out the guts, and saved the pumpkin seeds for roasting--yum! :) I then dotted (mapped out) my carving and finished it all by myself. I know I sound like a little kid right now, but I've never done this entirely on my own, so it's a huge deal!

When I was growing up, we carved pumpkins around Halloween time each and every year. But, as a kid, I did not like scraping out the guts of the pumpkin and I did not have the patience to carve an entire pumpkin on my own. (Most kids probably don't now that I think about it.) But, at 26, I finally did all of that!

Did I mention it was so much fun? Because it really was!

One of the best parts about carving pumpkins is getting to eat the parts you carve out. And the pumpkin seeds afterwards! I love raw pumpkin, it's so sweet and crunchy and so good for you! It's like a nutritious, entertaining sweet treat all in one!

I really enjoyed carving my pumpkin along side my mom. Even though I'm adult now, I still think it's important to keep some holiday traditions going. Sure, I've grown out of a lot of them, and some of them we no longer have the time, energy and/or money for. I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. And the last two years, I didn't carve pumpkins at all--I didn't even help my mom when she carved them. But, this year, it just sounded fun!

I think holiday traditions are important because they give quality family time, bonding time and a shared common goal. Whether it's carving pumpkins, baking cookies, wrapping presents together, picking out the family Christmas tree together or making a big meal---the point is, you do it together for years on end and these traditions give wonderful treasured memories and continuity as well. It's terrific!

I'm really glad I decided to carve pumpkins with my mom last night. We got a chance to talk about all sorts of things (in reality my mom and I talk a lot, but we don't always see each other that often with our busy grown up lives!), and laugh. My mom is still one of my favorite people to hang out with! While we were carving our individual pumpkins, we kept reflecting on past Halloweens--the corn maze, the year I scared the crap out of myself when I decided to go dressed as a clown (I still don't like clowns, I don't know what I was thinking) the "dead" scarecrow at a house along our Trick-Or-Treat Route one year who really wasn't dead after all. Scared my friends and I so bad we peed our pants. Please note, I don't like being scared, that's why I'm not a huge fan of Halloween. Real life is scary enough to me, all the blood and guts and fascination with frightening yourself on purpose? I really don't understand it and never have. I know a lot of people find it thrilling and exciting, it's just not my thing. It was really fun though to recall all of the Halloween fun we've had together over the years. Even though Halloween is my least favorite holiday of them all, I can still say I've had great times during Halloween.

I think it's important to make, and keep, holiday/family traditions--even if it's Chinese Food on Christmas Day. (Which isn't one of ours, by the way). It doesn't matter. Now that I'm grown, these traditions give me a sense of value, purpose and belonging. (They always did, though.) Most of all, they give me fun bonding time with my family and wonderful new memories to be had--and you can't ask for much more than that!

I am so blessed that my mom is still here with me, alive and well, to sit and carve pumpkins together. We had so much fun last night, we're going to be carving more pumpkins tonight!

I hope you all have a wonderful, restful Sunday and a very happy, safe and fun Halloween!

Here's to carving pumpkins and carrying on family traditions! Thanks for giving me so many wonderful traditions and memories,mom, I love you!

Lord, thank You for a fabulous time last night carving pumpkins, for the time, space, energy and health to do so. For laughter and memories with my mom. For making me enjoy Halloween--to a point. For good coffee, clear skin, and best friends! Please keep the sun hidden today, though, I'm enjoying the clouds! Thank You for it all!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. Happy, Happy Birthday to my good friend, Matthew, today! I hope he has a terrific birthday filled with love, fun and many more to come! I'm glad he's in my life! Happy Birthday, Buddy!

T.G.I.F

2010-10-22T10:59:00.000-07:00

"Every day is a gift, that is why we call it the present."

I just wanted to share that quote, and remind myself of that.

I need to unpack and rest before work, but I wanted to share that quote and also say....

I love my Pharmacy. They are always nice to me, they know me and they accomidate me whenever possible. They answer any questions I have about my meds and they are always helpful and courteous. I'm blessed to have such a great team of Pharmacists and a Pharmacy that is so close to my house.

I am always appreciative of great customer service, and I enjoy giving great customer service (at my job) too!

That's all for today....Happy Friday, everyone!

Thank You Lord, for writing, making me feel better, great meditation/Tai Chi this morning, time with precious loved ones and that fact that it IS Friday--finally! Yay!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

10-20-2010

2010-10-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

Everyone was into the "10/10/10" thing this year, and that is pretty cool! But that happens every 100 years....10/10/1910...10/10/2110.....but TODAY will only happen ONCE....today is actually 10/20/2010.

Get it....Ten, Twenty, Twenty-Ten....

10/20/2010.....THAT is just SO neat!

I want to write a lot more than I'm going to tonight, I really do. But, I'm tired. I slept a lot last night, and rested a lot on Monday night--but I'm still catching up. I did too much the last two weeks and I'm paying for it--dearly.

I'm getting rest, just not enough, you know.

Oh well, at least I figured out the reasons for my fowl mood earlier....

I'm not writing enough lately. I'm not writing poems, which I want to be, I'm not journal ling (privately) or blogging enough lately. I'm not hanging out with my friend, Sarah. I've not meditated since Sunday (it's now Wednesday). I am not getting the house to myself lately (I did for four blissful hours last week!). I'm not doing Tai Chi (I was doing it every day and I need to get back to that, it helps EVERYTHING--physically and mentally!) And sorry to say, I'm not getting some 'other fun' things lately either......and most of all, until this evening, I wasn't cooking at ALL because of my stomach problems. So, let's see...if I'm not writing, cooking, hanging out with at least one friend, having the house to myself, meditating, doing Tai Chi and doing other 'fun' stuff....NO WONDER I'm a little cranky. All of that combined with being so tired--it totally explains why I was in a funk. I'm not saying I'm depressed, because I'm not, I just was agitated tonight, that's all. I just need to get back to things I love. I NEED to write, I NEED to cook, I NEED to hang out with friends, I NEED to meditate every day, I NEED the house to myself occasionally, and sorry to say, but I NEED that other 'fun' thing too!

The first five or six of those can absolutely be fixed!

It's up to ME to keep doing the things I love. It's up to ME to carve out time for the things I know will make me happy and boost my mood!

I've also been working lately, and so that's taking up most of my time. I'm blessed to have a job, and I do love my job, but I need to get back to a place of balance between my working time and MY time. And I need to go back to Meditation Class, that helped tremendously!

I'm eating again though--and it's awesome!!! I'm telling you, there's not a lot that I actually ask for in life--except to eat what I damn well please. Tonight, I came home and made pasta (yummy) and a salad w/ apples, onions, grapes, arugula and dried cranberries---so delicious! And it didn't make me sick--YAY! I'm SO glad and happy and THANKFUL I can eat again! Seriously, you have NO idea what that means to me. It brings me to tears of joy to know that (for the most part) I can eat what I love again and not pay for it. Praise God!

I'm not over doing it and I still can't eat a lot at one time, but I'm getting back in there and my stomach seems to be clearing itself out--which is fabulous news. It also means I don't have to back for Surgery #34---I think--thank God! :)

I did make my family and friends laugh, though--I said "you know, if I can't eat what I want, I'm going to have to become a woman who shops!" It was true. I would. But, thankfully, I can eat again and the shopping is eh, not appealing. I have enough stuff already, really, I do.

But, I did buy a coat this past weekend! I haven't bought one since I was 17 years old...almost 10 years ago. I know, sometimes I really am my mother (she's had the SAME pink robe for 40 years! I love that thing, though!). Anyway, I was in Southern California and it was quite cold and rainy and cloudy. I forgot my coat at home and I needed one. I needed one then and I needed one in general. So, I went to Burlington Coat Factory and found the PERFECT Brown and Purple REVERS ABLE coat! It is so cute and SO me! It's got really pretty embroidery work on the brown side--and the other side is purple fleece! It's totally revers able with pockets on BOTH sides, it has a hood and fits me just perfectly! It isn't too bulky or flimsy and I just love it! So there, I finally bought a new coat! Yay for me!

Seeing my Uncle and Aunt down in CA was just terrific! I hadn't seen them since my wedding and it was so great to be able to sit and visit and chat! They have the cutest little house in N. Hollywood. I also saw the ocean and that was fabulous too! It was a brief trip, but wonderful anyway! I'm so glad I went, I had a terrific time! :)

Speaking of Aunts....I'm going to be one--officially! I can't remember whether or not I've already posted about this, but my sister, Kelsey is pregnant. I heard from her on Monday and she's doing good. She's due in April and she's over her morning sickness. She said that that was "some f****ed up s***t!" I'd have to agree, although, probably, honey, wait 'till you're in labor. Glad it's her and not me right now, I'm sorry. My dear sister is excited and doing well, and it was so terrific to hear her voice--I miss her. I'm so excited, I'm going to be an Aunt!!! I really thought I'd be an older Aunt, but hey, she IS 21 and that IS old enough. And hey, NONE of us (my 3 sisters & I) were planned and neither were most people I know under 40. So, it's good. Blessings come when they're supposed to and God doesn't make mistakes. I know my sister will make a fantastic mother and I am so proud of her for taking care of herself now, she has to, she's a mommy! I can't wait to be an Auntie--yay! :) I hope my niece or nephew is healthy, and I hope I get to be there when it's born, that'd be terrific!

So, what else?

Last night, there was a HUGE Thunder/Lightning Storm here in Vegas--it was absolutely awesome! Of course it poured rain too and that was also terrific! But I can't get over how very COOL (literally & figuratively) the storm was! It's so RARE that we get an actual storm like that....it was SO neat!

While I was at work tonight, it rained and thundered as well....the thunder was so loud it sounded like it was going to split the building in half--and so yes, I got a little scared. I'm not normally scared of thunder and lightning--but God was puttin' on quite the show last night AND tonight and this evening, I got a little nervous...it was still awesome though, it really was!

The rain is so great--it's so refreshing and cathartic! Last night before I went to bed, I stood on my porch and stuck my hands out and let the rain fall all over my hands...it was COLD, but it was fantastic! It felt SO GOOD to have my hands freezing cold in the pouring rain--very cathartic and cleansing indeed! Awesome!

I was fortunate to be able to rest a lot last night, and Monday as well. I went to bed SUPER EARLY both nights, and should probably be in bed right now, but I want to write.

Today is my cousin's wife's birthday--Miss Erica. Of course I called to wish her a Happy Birthday and I was so overjoyed when she told me she was having one of her best birthdays ever! She got totally spoiled today and I'm so glad she did! She's just great!

This weekend, I get to do house stuff and relax. I was going to go see Phil Vassar in concert, and as much as I love and adore him, I really can't afford it. I'd rather go see The Judds in December for my birthday. Sorry, Phil. I'm bummed, really.

The Halloween decorations that my mom put up around the house look so neat! I'm so glad she's around to still do that kind of stuff. I LOVE decorating for the holidays (all of them) but it takes so much time and effort, I'm just not into it. It's so lovely that she still does that for me--Colin's really good at it too so when mom doesn't, I pawn it off on him. LOL!

In all reality, even though Halloween is my LEAST favorite holiday, the house looks so cool! Even though I despise scary movies, horror flicks and anything that points downward and is negative--I have to say, the older I get, the less Halloween bothers me. It used to scare the crap out of me when I was a kid. Now, I tolerate it. LOL!

I'm so glad it's Autumn though, it finally got chilly and it's wonderful! I don't think I've ever welcome cooler weather with such open arms in my life! It's terrific!

Oh, I just found out that Applebee's is serving free meals to Veterans on Veteran's Day next month, how cool is that!? Last year, apparently, they served over 1,000,000 meals--that's terrific! God Bless all our Veterans and current Service Men and Women--we'd be nowhere without them, God Bless their families too!

I'm SO glad I wrote this entry tonight, I do feel better now! Just having written this lifted my mood...yay!

I think that's it for now, though. I just can't stay awake. At least I wrote something, perhaps I'll write more tomorrow!

Thank You, Lord, for letting me eat again. For getting me to and from home and work safely! For keeping my family healthy and sane--and me too! For more birthdays of my loved ones! For thunder, lightning and cleansing rain! For cooler weather, for a job, for terrific bosses, for a lovely new "So Sarah!" coat, for friends, family, and rest. Thank You also for the common sense to listen to my body and for a body that makes me slow down and enjoy the journey! It's all because of You, and I am humbly grateful for it all!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Friday the 15th!! Prayers for Colin & Ellen....

2010-10-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday the 15th of October and my sister, Jordan, is having her Golden Birthday--15 on the 15th!!!

I cannot believe she is 15 already, next year, she starts driving! Wow!

I hope she has a great birthday, I love you, Jordan!

Anyway....

I don't have a lot to say today. Colin is back in the hospital--he swelled up like a balloon and we're not sure why. Hopefully, he'll get out today (took him to the ER last night) we can go about our weekend as planned. If not, whatever. I've learned that life doesn't always go the way you planned--whether the broken or re-routed plans are big or small.

Anyway, I had a hard time being there (at the hospital) last night. I felt like a good wife for making him go to the ER when I knew he needed too, but like a bad one for leaving so early. I stayed about 4 hours, and he was sleeping anyway, but....I just couldn't be in there much longer. Sometimes, when I'm in hospitals, I do okay--and sometimes, I have a tendency to be on edge--last night, I was on edge. I think it's because I was just in one as the patient last week, but even so. I wanted to be there for my husband, but I had to come home and rest.

I've spent A LOT of time in hospitals, most of my life, and the last three months an awful lot of time. I'm not complaining, because each time I go--whether as the patient or advocate (the latter of which I'm quite good at now), I learn something new. I get stronger and better, so I'm not complaining, but it is an observation I have made, that's all.

I will go back today, and hopefully, he will get out tonight. Most of all, I hope he's okay and I hope the swelling has gone down. It's quite scary when you DON'T know what's wrong, what's going on and why something is happening. As dior as some diagnosies can be, I'd rather know for sure what I'm up against.

Lord, please make Your Presence known to Colin, watch over him, protect him and send him the right and perfect medical team of Dr. & Rn's for him--thank You.

Everyone at Spring Valley Hospital is really nice. And now, we've been there so many times since 2007--whether for Colin, my mother or myself--that they all know us now. It's kind of like Stomping Grounds. Like UCSF was for me--heck, still is--even thoughh I've not been admitted there in almost 10 years--thank God! How akward is it that my stomping grounds are hospitals? I mean, really?

I don't mind it, though. I'm comfortable in them, I know how they run, I know what to expect (a lot of waiting!).

This is my life. This is just the hand I was dealt. It's not like we're at the hospital every single week, and it's not like any of us is actively dying. So, it could always, always be worse--and I thank God every single day that it's not. But, it is kind of funny. I thought once I got out of the hospital as a patient, I wouldn't be going back. Turns out, I was wrong.

Oh well, clearly, I can't run from hospitals and I keep ending up in them--even when I'm not the one in need of care. That's okay, it's something I know how to do and am good at now. And that's just the way it goes. I've stopped fighting it. No one in my life has cancer or a dior medical disease and neither do I. Most days, we're NOT in the hospital--and we're all breathing, walking and talking on our own. I'm not on an O.R. table every week anymore and niether are my loved ones, so I am incredibly blessed!

Oh, my heart and thoughts and prayers go out to my good friend, Ellen. Her mother just passed away and my heart is breaking for her. Ellen is in her 50s so it's not like she's lost her mom at 20, but, still, it's hard. As much as my mother and I go round and round, I know my life will forever be altered when she's gone. I will never, ever be the same again and I will miss her every single day. Once your parents are gone--one or both of them, doesn't matter--you are never the same again. I can't imagine the angst and heartbreak Ellen, and her family, must be feeling. I hope her Mother is resting peacefully and I hope Ellen and all of Carrols loved ones find peace and comfort in the memories. God, please be there for them all, they need You.

So, that's that--that's my world right now. I've heard that we all a place in the world--a little corner that makes us our existance. That world changes from time to time, but in that world--everything is as it is supposed to be. It's not that we're not meant to keep reaching for things and keep growing--actually quite the opposite--but learning to accept things just as they are--and be kind to others in the process--is so crucial for a happier, more peaceful life. I'm proud to say that today, and yesterday, I'm doing that!

I was very calm and nice yesterday to everyone at the hospital, and everyone was calm and nice to us. (Me and Colin). What goes around comes around, that is for sure!

I hope you all have a great weekend, as for me, it's October--one of my favorite months of the year, and if I have to enjoy from the hospital bedside of my husband, than so be it. That's what I will do.

Thank You, Lord, for peace and serenity in the midst of the unknown. Thank You for gorgeous weather, terrific friends and loving kindness. Thank You for all of Your tremendous blessings, You shower me in them each and every day and I am truly grateful for it all! Thank You also, for the blessing of my sister, Jordan--please give her many, many more birthdays to come!

I love you, Jordan, Happy Birthday!

Have a miracle day, everyone!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

18 Up & Out, 15 to go...

2010-10-13T10:52:00.001-07:00

18 miners are up and out of the mine. It's been over 12 hours since I watched #3 come out. I got a very good night's rest, which I dearly needed. Then, I got up and watched the 18th miner come up from the ground. And yet again, I cried. I guess I am a little high strung sometimes, but it's just so emotional and moving. Especially for their relatives, to think that they they thought they might never seen their loved ones again. These are their husbands, fathers, brothers, Uncles, cousins, friends...... to realize that they might've never been seen or heard from again. That's what makes this so amazing and powerful!

The 18th miner got out of the capsule, immediately hit the ground and started praying to, and thanking God! How cool is that! I'm pretty sure that's what I'd be doing too!

It is still my hope and prayer that the remaining 15 get out safely. This is without a doubt one of the neatest things I've ever seen. I'm so glad I'm old enough to know and understand what's going on--and what a miracle this all is! God Bless them all!

There are a few news stories that deeply affect me like this one has--Columbine, September 11th, Hurricane Katrina and the Chillean Miners.

These are the events of my life--and for the first time, they're will be survivors--all survivors--the same can't be said about the first three events.

I am an emotional person, and I feel things so deeply. My heart goes out to anyone less fortunate than I am, and anyone who has had trying times. 68 days in a mine would definitely put thinks into perspective for me. The point is, everyone's got a story--everyone has something they have had to overcome. These 33 men definitely have a story of triumph now! Amazing!

Happy Wednesday to the rest of us, it should be a gorgeous day here in Vegas and right now, I get to go find out why my stomach is backfiring on me....wish me luck!

Praying for all the miners and their families as well as all of my loved ones, family and friends!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

All Eyes on Chile--Amazing & Awesome!

2010-10-12T23:19:00.000-07:00

(Forgive me if I repeat myself here, I'm extremely tired. But I just had to get up and write about this while it was happening, it's awesome!)

All eyes on Chile.......

1,500 journalists, 300 media outlets, 39 countries....

Yes, indeed, all eyes are on Chili as I write.

33 miners have been trapped deep in the mountainside of a small town oustide Santiago, Chile--4 of them have successfully been rescued!

I watched #3 and #4 come up, 4 up, 29 to go.

I am crying tears of joy and awe--this is just AMAZING!

It isn't often that I am this proud to be a human being--but tonight, I am in awe of my fellow man. Literally.

The culmination of faith, hope, ingenuity and persistance is enabling these brave men to come back to the surface.

33 miners, trapped underground for 68 days....it's an absolute miracle any of them survived--it will be even more of a miracle if they continue to survive.

The world has been watching, and waiting with bated breath--and tonight is no different!

I think this story is the perfect combination of man power and God power! Men alone couldn't have survived this ordeal and men (and women) alone couldn't have come up with the brilliance of getting these 33 men out. It had to be God. But, I think even God needed man in this case. There's nothing that we can't do without God.

That is honestly my belief.

And even on days when I question Him, the moment I see things like this--it totally restores my faith!

This rescue is not happening by man alone--a lot of is science, engineering and good ole hard work. But a lot of it is the sheer work of God!

These 33 men, and everyone involved in getting them out alive, has been blessed by angels. Many, many angels. There is no other explanation for it than a butt load of angels who have been working tirelessly. Sincerely--all the science in the world is still backed by a Higher Power, in my humble opinion!

And like I said, I haven't been this proud to be a human being in a long time! This is the perfect example of mankind and God, working side by side--in brilliant, miraculous and powerful ways! Awesome!

I can't imagine what these men have been through. 68 days under ground, I hear they've been doing remarkably well given the circumstances. They've written letters home, had communication wtih the outside world--sang, drank water, had food and medication passed down to them through a tiny tube. It's just amazing what they've been through, I'm in awe!

The ride to the top is even more amazing. These men are literally being put into a Capsule and hoisted up through the mountain. The capsule is no bigger than the average sized man, and the miners have had to be on a liquid diet for about a week to ensure that they would fit in the capsule and not get nauseas while riding in it. See, I'm not the only one on a liquid diet, and this totally puts my reasons for that liquid diet, into perspective. But, I digress. In all honesty, they showed a replica of the Capsule on CNN and I gotta say--as much as these men want, need and deserve to be out--I'm thinking the 68 days UNDERground would be a lesser problem. That capsule is TINY--think of a pill that you take in the morning--that tiny capsule, that's literally what it is. And they're coming up in one of those. Through the dark and ruggid, tumble, rocky, dry, COLD hole. Did I mention COLD? It's all of 9* there in the tunnel and on the mining site. Burrr........

But they're doing it. One by one, four so far--they're rising to the surface.

The rescue will probably turn out to be the easy part. These men have got days and days of medical and psychological evaluation ahead of them. They are going to have to learn how to live again. Learn how to breathe fresh air again. Learn how to talk again and cope again with life ABOVE mine. Can you imagine?

One of them had only been a miner for five days before the accident and he's already said he's not going back into mining ever again---ya think? I wouldn't either. It'll be interesting to see how many of these miners don't go back into mining, and how many do. I honestly think it'll be about half and half.

It's a way of life, it's a good income and it's all most of these men have ever known. Of course, given the press deals, they may never have to work again. But, even so, I would not blame one of them if they didn't want to ever mine again.

This is just amazing--simply, truly amazing!

A real-life, nail-biting drama. 4 are up, Praise God! But, there's still 29 to go and there is still so much that could go wrong.

I sincerely think--and hope and pray--though, that all 29 of the remaining miners will come up safe and alive. If they've made it this far, I don't think science will fail them now--and quite obviously, God has a plan for these gentlemen--most definitely He does.

It's just amazing that they've survived, that they haven't begun to kill each other (literally) and that they're all coming up ALIVE.

They're shaved (they could shower a bit down there), wearing dark sun-like glasses (to protect their eyes from the blarring lights, after 68 days underground, their eyes are going to be extremely sensitive to light) and smiling! The anticipation, hope and relief on the faces of their relatives is just so inspiring.

Seeing them hug their loved ones for the first time in almost seventy days, it's just awesome!

Awesome, awesome, awesome I tell you.

I'm getting goosebumps every time one of them comes up......and here comes #5.

Oh man, this is so neat! I am so proud of these men, and all of the men and women who have worked night and day (literally) to get them up ahead of time. They didn't think they'd get them up until December...it's mid-October....for once, humans did something AHEAD of time! Amazing!

Sincerely, the goosebumps, hope, relief and elation I AM feeling is amazing! I am so happy for these men and their families....

it is my sincere hope and prayer that these men go on to lead happy, successful, sane and healthy lives. They have earned it.

This is the perfect example of just what the human spirit can endure.

It's amazing!

One of the rescued miners just said "this is an example that change can happen. When we all come together, we can make changes. I was with God, and I was with the Devil, but I held on and God won."

Isn't that terrific? Really.

I'm sure they were with the devil. I'm sure there were times in the past 68 days when they did turn on each other and start to go a little crazy. It's natural, human and expected. I'm sure they fought long and hard within themselves to KEEP going and NOT give up hope.

For the first 17 days, the world thought they were dead. But they weren't. They hung on!

Can you imagine all of the people involved in this rescue? Can you imagine the relationships that will change from this? And how they will change?

I'm sure a few of them will be divorced over this, and I'm sure a lot of them will be totally renewed and recommitted from this.

I'm sure they will go on, people will forget, but I personally will not.

This is one of those events that happen during one's life where you know exactly where you were when it did.

Me, I'm in my bedroom, typing this entry on a laptop.

I am so tired--not as tired as these miners are probably--but I worked a long day today. I didn't do back breaking work such as mining, but I worked long and I worked hard. I'm exhausted.

I need to sleep.

But, I'm not going to do that for a while, I want to see a few more miners come up. I won't stay up for all of them, I do need to rest. But, this is just too wonderful of a feeling--to miraculous of an event to turn off now.

They're interviewing one of the rescued miners right now--the first one pulled up and this is what he's saying...

"I've had a rough time, but I've learned wonderful things. Those of you who have the possibility of talking to your spouse, do it. I'm glad I went through this. I am so happy, I am emotional. It's good to be back up here. Love is the most powerful thing in the world and I am just so happy to be here."

Fabulous!

What an inspiration these men are!

Yes, all eyes are on Chili tonight, and they will be for a while.

I hope and pray--with all my heart--that the remaining miners are rescued successfully, without trouble or glitches.

I hope and pray--with all my heart--that each of them is healthy, sound and can return to their lives as they wish.

Whatever they want, I want for them.

What a feat! What a wonderful day in human kind! What a testament to the endurance of the human spirit! And most of all, what a testament to the POWER of GOD!

This is just incredible, and I could not be more proud than I am right now! Please, Lord, keep these miners safe. Continue to watch over them, bless them, be with them. They need You now, probably more than ever. The rescue will probably be the easy part. I hope it is. Please bless their families and make Your Presence known to them. Give them the courage to keep their faith in You, to never forget it was You who got them through this--and it was You who kept their families in tact. Protect and bless this special, once in a lifetime, one of a kind bond these men have formed. Let their mutual understanding of each other and friendship blossom! Let the remaining 29 get out alive, safe and fine.

And please, let the rest of us remember this moment. How amazing it feels to see Your work combined with our hope. How awesome it is be witnessing this!

Please bless it all!

Thank You for Your power, Your hope, Your faith in us, Your good work in us and Your willingness to speak and work through us when we allow You to do so!

Oh and please the Doctor tell me good news tomorrow too--I'd really like to eat again, when I want, what I want, and how I want. I eat healthy anyway, so help me out here, please. I'm leaning on You, Lord, and I know that together--we can do anything! Thank You for a lovely, blessed day--and the satisfaction of a job I love and family and friends!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

10-10-10: A Wonderful Week Wrapped Up, Goals & Staying Positive!

2010-10-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

Today is 10-10-10, this will never happen again. Of course, every day will never happen again, and every day is a gift, but I digress.....

Any 10th day of the month this year, I think, sounds cool: 6--10--2010, 10--10--2010 neat!

Anyway, I've been meaning to write for a few days, so this entry might be all over the place, please bare with me--thanks!

The other day (Friday) I went out to Boulder City, Nevada and it was so nice. It's just a beautiful little city--a step back in time. It reminded me a lot of Solvang (California) and Reno--in the middle of the desert, of course. It was so nice and everyone was so friendly and kind. The weather was just gorgeous--the antique shops, book stores and little hole in the wall restraunts--so cute! The whole day--everything about the experience--it was just lovely!

My procedure went well, it was a week ago. The problem isn't my esophogus, which is fantastic, the problem is actually my stomach. Go figure. My esophogus has been re-built up to six times, but it's fine.

I always say that everything happens for a reason, and this surgery taught me that. I feel alive again, I feel renewed. I feel even more grateful than I already was.

A few weeks ago I wrote an entry about someone always having it worse than I do. And that's true. When I went into the hospital last Monday morning, my nurse was named Jeff. He was an accountant for a while, but then,at some point in his life--he decided to become a nurse. He wanted to give back to those who had saved his own life many times. You see, Nurse Jeff was in a very bad car accident when he was two years old. By the time he was five years old, Jeff had undergone 28 surgeries.

Yes, that's right....28 surgeries by the time he was 5. Kinda of beats me by a LONG shot. When Nurse Jeff told me that, I said "I'm gonna shut up now". I wasn't really complaining as it was, but after that, yeah, I needed to focus on the positive.

I'm so glad and relieved everything went so well. I was nervous, but I got through it.

When I came home, I lounged around, did nothing and just relaxed. Of course, I was on a liquids-only diet for 48 hours and that was hard. I got creative though; I made veggie soup (pureed), a deliciously sweet watermelon-grape smoothie, a coffee milk shake and other stuff. I survived.

It never dawned on me how much food took up my life, and how much time it frees it up when you don't have to prepare it, clean it up and chew it.

Last night, however, I made home made french fries and oh my goodness, they were SO good! They didn't give me heartburn, so I was happy!

Food is my comfort, my solace, my joy--and I've never done a drug in my life but I one could say that food is my addiction. I really miss eating whatever I want, whenever I want--even though I never really did that--I'm doing even less of it now. I pretty much have heartburn and/or nausea constantly--today, however, wasn't bad at all1 Thank God--literally--thank You, Lord!

My point is, my stomach is messed up, I'm glad it's not my esophogus, but man, I'm getting tired of being afraid of contracting heartburn the minute I put something in my mouth. That being said, it is what it is. I can't fight it, hate it or rally against it--I need to learn from it. It may suck a lot, but clearly, my body is trying to tell me something.

And yes, I'm learning from this. Having this restricted diet has made me realize how much of my life is consumed by food. Eating it, buying it, preparing it. For me, food is not only a necessity, it was/is my only luxury. I miss it, terribly. I don't get my nails done, or my hair (I do get a hair cut about twice a year). I don't buy expensive clothes or pricey purses. I'm quite frugal--the one thing I do indulge in; the one thing I both need AND want very much--food--the way I want it, when I want it. Call me selfish, but I have been a foodie for most of my life now, and it's just weird to be unable to indulge in that love-affair aspect of my life.

But, I'm doing okay. I have a lot of energy and mental clarity by limiting what I eat and while I hope I don't have to limit what I eat for very long (seriously!)--I truly am still enjoying what I CAN eat! Yay!

Anyway, after the surgery, I watched some shows on TV. "30 Days," what a great show! The first episode was about Coal Miners (more on that another day) and it was so eye opening. God Bless these men (and women) who do that, they define HARD WORK! What an odd predicament they're caught in, and what hard working people they are. Anyway, the next episode of "30 Days" was about people in wheelchairs. Oh my Lord it made me count my blessings tenfold. Again, I laid in that bed of mine and decided to shut up.

Because the truth is, I DO have it SO good. No, my body is not perfect. Yes, there are a lot of things I WISH it did that it is not doing and may never do. But that's okay. I am walking, talking, drinking, sitting, standing and typing. I can see and hear and pee. Sincerely. I can speak and wash my face and brush my teeth. I have a bed to get into at night. I can hoola hoop a bit (more on that later). I can do some Tai Chi. I can look at others doing things that make them happy and be sincerely happy for them! Most of all, I have a great mind and I can enjoy life--no matter what. I am getting back to where I truly enjoy just living--I have a passion for life, I always have, it's back in full force now! All of these are very precious gifts and I am blessed to have each of them!

This surgery made me come home again, in a weird way. It snapped back into reality--the reality of the fragileness of life and health. It snapped me back into who I want to be and who I am--a positive, thankful, strong person who is mostly just happy to be ALIVE! Seriously.

I needed that. I got pretty down, and pretty far away from that this summer. Or for the last few years if I was being totally honest here. All of for very valid reasons, no doubt. I had every right--especially this summer--to doubt the power of positivity, to question God (notice I didn't say doubt Him completely), to be confused and negative for a while. All of these things that I was feeling was understandably so. But, none the less--I feel like I'm getting back on track with who I want to be. I'm re-aligning with the positive, kind person I know I can be!

I don't want to just survive this life, I want to thrive in it! I can't thrive by being a negative, bitchy, depressed person. We're all entitled, yes, but the biggest gift of being sick is the way it just puts everything in line for you. It puts it ALL into perspective and strips away what is truly important in life, and what isn't.

I've been sick from the beginning, and always will be to some degree, so the biggest blessing in that is that I've not known a lot different. Sure, I drifted off course for a while--steered away from the positive, kind, strong Sarah I know I am--but I'm getting back to her--slowly, but surely!

I'm a work in progress. In no way do I have it all (or any of it, actually) figured out. I have not 'arrived' so to speak. I hope I never do. How boring would it be to stop learning? Really!

My point is, I still have my down days. I still question things. I still struggle to say "up," but the struggle isn't such a battle anymore. I'm finding it easier to stay positive and seek the good.

This past week since my surgery has been one of the best in a LONG, long time! There are still things that are bothering me--about myself and my life--but I'm working on them. I'm working on a lot of things in a lot of different ways! I'm meditating, and praying and focusing on what is good and right with the world--and not just MY world--but THE world at large.

I think it is true that what you put out you get back. Sew, and you shall reap. This past week, I've sewed good thoughts, positivity and kindness--and I've reaped it all back tenfold!

My customers at work have been SO nice and patient. I have been told that I'm a "sweetheart," about five times this week and my smiling kindness is SINCERE lately. It's not a put on and it's at all not forced. I'm smiling because I'm happy and I'm blessed. Sure, life isn't perfect, and neither am I, but I'm noticing all of the greatness in the world again--and in those around me too--and I love that!

Everyone on my Facebook page seems to be doing well and happy. They're enjoying life, their birthdays, anniversaries, families and children. They're feeling loved and peaceful too! How awesome is that!? I don't think there's any greater joy than being truly happy for those you love (and like) when they are happy themselves! It's such a gift!

Spreading that love and happiness is so easy to do. I take such joy in seeing others be happy, discover things and smile! I love to see people laugh--it's so awesome! We all need more of that in this world--all of us!

Attitudes are contagious, and lately, mine has been worth catching--it's pretty good. I'm not sharing all this to brag--really, I'm not. I'm sharing this because I want to accountable--mostly to myself. Myself is the only real person (besides God, of course) that I MUST answer to. I'm sharing all of this tonight because I feel like it will help someone.

Again, don't get me wrong, I've made mistakes this week. I've blown my loving kindness a time or two. I got impatient every now and then. (When I did, I just reminded myself to breathe, pray and accept the waiting for what it was). I'm still human. But, all I'm saying is I feel like I am being the person I want to be. I am treating others the way I want to be treated. I am staying true to myself, standing up for myself, keeping healthy boundaries and staying positive! I am looking for the good in people, things and all situations.

(Some people are just so mean, though, it's harder to recognize the good in them. That's a trying predicament let me tell you. But, that's another entry!)

Overall, staying abundantly positive is sometimes hard to do, but I'm doing it--and I'm loving it!

I love my job too, I am so blessed to have one! I worked today, and even though I will NEVER like working on Sundays, it wasn't bad at all. I only have do it (work on Sundays) two or three times a year, so I can handle it. I have a job, that's what counts! I actually had a lot of fun, as I usually do when I go to work. I picked up a free hoola hoop for myself (today was World Hoop Day, no kidding), helped customers enjoy a lovely concert we were having and all and all--just enjoyed all of my customers! I was busy, I earned my money and it was great!

Don't get me wrong, it's not all cake and roses right now. But, when is it really? I am finding that the more positive (in a realistic way, that is) I stay--the more positive the world becomes.

I'm not knieve anymore, I'm not a kid. I'm young, but I'm not as innocent as I was once. I KNOW there are REAL problems in the world. There are homeless and sick and hungry. There is a mess all over this country. There is ugliness and petiness and a bunch of crap that will never make sense. So, like I said, I'm not knieve.

I have found that while it doesn't help to slap a happy face on a sour situation, it also doesn't help to drown in a sour situation.

It does no good, none what so ever.

I have to keep looking for the positive, and keep reaching for the UP!

It's the only way to stay sane, healthy & happy...and so far, I'm doing it.

Meditation, prayer and Tai Chi are helping a lot. Doing my best to treat others with kindness is also helping a lot. What goes around comes around--literally!

I can't speak for the coming week, all I know about it right now is that it will be very busy. I don't know how I will act, or in what ways I will faulter or succeed. Things may be entirely different tomorrow--you never know what life holds for you. That's part of what makes it so great, so exciting and so joyful!

I heard a quote this week that said something like "God, in His infinite mercy, keeps us from seeing our future so that we are forced to focus on the present moment. If we could see the future, all we would do is worry about it and miss out on what's happening now."

I believe that to be true.

All I'm saying is that I hope this coming week is a lot like that last week has been. I stayed calm during stressful times, I was kind and positive and I was AWARE. I thanked God for each moment of it--even the trying ones--and was realistic about when I was struggling. That's really all I can ask of myself. I think it's all any of us can ask of ourselves.

I want this coming week to be great--but whether or not it is is up to me, I know that!

For now, I am happy. I am content. I am coming back to the Sarah I know I can be.

And right now, I'm off to bed. I'm achieving my goal of getting to bed earlier now instead of staying up half the night. I have found that I love getting up in the mornings and can get so much more done when I don't sleep half the day! Yay!

Anyway, I'm looking forward to a fun, busy, friend-filled, wonderful week--I get to see Claudia, I get to work some, and hopefully, I get to receive some medical explanations to my stomach problem....it should be wonderful!

I hope you all have a wonderful week too!

Thank You, Lord, for passing Your kindness onto me and onto others. For a great week, for gratitude, friends, family, satisfying work, motivation, downtime, lessons and good coffee! I might as well enjoy what I CAN and DO have, after all!

Please keep it coming and most of all, please continue to bless those I love!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

A Happy, Well-Fed, Reflective Autumn Sunday!

2010-10-03T20:18:00.000-07:00

I know I wrote earlier today, I think I named the post wrong "Love, Peace & Hope" isn't really what the previous entry was about. It was more about accountability and lessening anger, but I was feeling love, peace and hope when I wrote it so perhaps that's what I was thinking when I called it that.

Anyway, after that post, I ate breakfast and cleaned up the house a little. I then took a long, leisurely shower and went to meditation class--it was my second. I go every Sunday, and I really like it.

I'm not turning my back on my Christian Faith, but I'm finding this Meditation Class a nice addition to it. I think that clearing the mind and focusing on ONE thing at a time, and being AWARE of your breath, posture, speech and just overall surroundings is so key to a happier, less stressful life--and who doesn't need that?

I'm learning so much from these classes and I really enjoy them. I did mean to go to church this morning, but I didn't wake up in time, I felt bad, but at least, I'm doing SOMETHING spiritual on Sundays, you know!

To be honest, I enjoyed last week's class better than today's class--last week taught us a bit of Tai Chi (which I tried when I was 14, but was too "in a hurry" to really do it well!) and how speech can either bring joy and hope or misery and pain. So, this week, again, I'm going to try and focus on my how my speech can help bring joy and hope to others, rather than misery and pain. I don't want to spread that around, there's enough of that in the world already.

Speaking of misery and pain--Colin is watching the movie "2012", and I have to say, I have NO desire to watch it. I KNOW 2012 is only a little over a year away, and that the possibly end of the world as we know it is looming--duh--look around! But, I don't want to see a movie about it, I'm very selective about what I watch and it's rare that I ever forget what I do watch so I try really hard not to watch things that might scare me, leave too much of a negative impression on me or scar me for life. I've heard that the movie is fantastic, with great special effects, and I do like John Cusack (he plays in 2012), but still, it's just not my kind of movie. I'm glad, though, that others found it entertaining.

So, tomorrow is my procedure, (endoscopy) and I'm pretty okay with it at this point. I mean, I'm not still in love with the idea of having to have this done, but oh well, I'll get a good, cozy nap out of it! And I KNOW all will be well in the end. I am scared, a bit, and nervous too, but it's nothing I haven't done before and nothing I cannot handle. Right now, I'm in my room typing this entry and that's really all that matters!

Speaking of things that matter, I have 3 and 1/2 hours to stuff my face--no food or drinks after midnight--especially since what I'm having done is an endoscopy (a scope of the esophagus). So far, tonight, I've had Goulash (a yummy almost stew-like concoction my mom makes--it has hamburger, corn, pasta, tomatoes, garlic and onions it and it is sooo good!). For dessert I had caramelized fruit (nectarines & pineapple) with freshly whipped whipped cream--YUM! Oh, and of course I had a salad w/ arugula and my lemon dressing--all so delicious!

All and all, this has been a wonderful Autumn Sunday! It's officially Autumn because I ate goulash! Thanks, mom, by the way, for cooking for me all day--I didn't even mind doing the dishes and hey, doesn't most everyone love their mama's cooking?!

Oh, I almost forgot, tomorrow is "Music Monday" and the song I want to share is one that came to mind today, Garth Brooks' "The River," it's about 20 years old now--an oldie but a goodie! The LYRICS are amazing--"trying to learn from what's behind you and never knowing what's in store, makes each day a constant battle, just to stay between the shores....so don't you sit upon the shoreline, and say you're satisfied, choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tide.....there's bound to rough waters and I know I'll take a fall, but with the Good Lord as my Captain, I can make it through them all." I signed--yes as in sign language--this song in a dance class when I was 7 years old, it was great then, it's a classic today! Here it is:

So, I hope you all have a great week! Today was a really, really good day! I'm all soft and clean (long leisurely showers are really a wonderful luxury in life) well-fed, and happy with my life. Here's hoping everything goes well tomorrow, and that nothing is seriously wrong. I don't think there will be, but positive energy never hurt anyone! :)

Please, Lord, watch over me, the Dr.'s, the nurses and the surgical team. Please let it all go well and surround me with Your angels and Your love.

Thank You for a wonderful Autumn Sunday!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Love, Peace & Hope--Happy Sunday!

2010-10-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

I knew today would be a better day! I just knew it!

Like I said yesterday, I felt lousy yesterday, I was not the nicest person yesterday--I was tired and drowsy and down. I'm not even sure why, I just was.

But, sometimes, you gotta just go with that. Sometimes, when you feel like that, instead of fighting it, you just have to take a "day-off" as I call it. Perhaps not a literal day off, but just a day when you admit you can't handle a lot more stress, aren't being the person you want to be acting like and just say "today kinda sucks, but tomorrow will better."

And sure enough, tomorrow usually is better!

For starters, I got REALLY GOOD sleep last night and sleep ALWAYS helps EVERYTHING!

Secondly, I woke up to the smell of breakfast being made by my mother, yummy! Fried potatoes and onions--mmmm--so delicious!

Thirdly, I have meditation class today--I'm so excited and I know I need it!

Fourthly, being angry at people doesn't get me anywhere, except sick--literally. It's okay, and natural and even normal at times, to be angry when certain things happen in life--but that doesn't it's okay to take it to a destructive level or shower everyone around you with it. Anger spreads and it spreads fast--and will cause disease--literal DIS-ease. It just isn't worth it. I don't want to be an angry person with a short fuse, and I don't have to be that person.

I do need to meditate, a lot, though--every day. When I do that and I do Tai Chi--I feel better and I AM better.

I do need to continue setting healthy bounduries with people--because a lot of times my anger comes from when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. People aren't mind readers, and I can't expect them to be.

I also need to continue accepting what I just cannot change. I may never change certain peoples' perception of me. There are people who will always, always want to change me--and yes, people who I--in a perfect world--would like to change also. But neither of that is going to happen. And the last thing I'm going to do is apologize for being who I am, and who I want to be.

I need to sleep, too, and I need to depend on myself. I need to let people make their own choices and face their own consequences, I cannot control what anyone else does. I cannot expect to influence anyone in a positive way by coming at them with anger or disgust.

I'm really good at looking for the positive, counting my blessings and being thankful for the small miracles each and every day, but the above are the things I need to work on--and work on them I will.

Today is a new day--I get to see Miss Claudia in 10 days and Miss Tessa in a little over 20 and it's October--which means it's one of my favorite months of the year! I LOVE October! I always have! I don't like Halloween so much, not my thing, but October itself--it's lovely! It's also cloudy here today so that's awesome! What a relief to not have the sun blarring in my face today!! Wow! Awesome! I love it when it's cloudy!

Oh, and Happy Anniversary to the President & Mrs. Obama today!!! I don't care if you agree with his Presidency or politics or not, keeping a marriage together--especially in the White House--takes guts and skill and love. So, I'm sending them happy marital blessings today!

Thank You, Lord for accountability, cloudy days, introspection, honesty and good home cookin'!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

October 2nd

2010-10-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

Today is October 2nd, normally, my favorite day of the year--for no good reason. Nothing special or exceedinly happy happened on this day for me--my entire life--I just like it!

Today, however, wasn't so great. Admittedly, I was part of the reason it wasn't so great, but still.

I'm tired today, and I'm nervous about my procedure on Monday. I know, I know it will all be okay, and I know, I know it needs to be done. It's okay. Really.

I'm just aprehensive about it.

On a good note, I had a delicious, quick n' easy dinner tonight--gnocchi w/ doctored up tomato sauce--it was so yummy, easy and delectable! Mmmm!

I also got a good nap today, so that was nice too.

I'm just feeling kind of down and I'm not proud of how I acted towards a few people today. I wasn't a total bitch, but I could've definitely been kinder and gentler.

I guess I'll try again tomorrow--there's always room for change.

I'm looking really forward to Meditation Class tomorrow, I need it!

Right now, though, I think I'll go make a big bowl of buttery, salty popcorn and have some fruit juice to wash it down---mmm--that sounds sooooooo good!

Life is still good, too, just not over the moon fabulous--it's still a miracle though and I have to keep focusing on the good, the right, the just and the amazing--I'm capable of that, I just have to make a concerted effort to tune into that, you know.

And I will.

Tomorrow is Sunday, my favorite day of the week--and it'll definitely be better than today--Happy October, everyone!

Thank You, Lord, for your forgiveness, understanding, compassion and patience, I humbly accept it all--and You know, I really need it all!

Thanks for great food too!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Calling All Places....Great Customer Service!

2010-09-30T14:30:00.000-07:00

I've spent ALL morning on the phone, literally.

I've been calling Car Warranty Companies, Insurance Companies, Auto Loan Companies, and a bunch of other places.

And you know what?!

EVERYONE was super nice!

EVERYONE was really kind & patient and gave me GREAT Customer Service!

EVERYONE was in the United States of America

and best of all....

EVERYONE spoke ENGLISH!!!

Amazing!

Sincerely, that's amazing!

I was really suprised by this, and I do not mean to offend anyone who doesn't speak English, but so often these days when you call a place of business you're on hold FOREVER, can't get a human being to begin with and then when you do--they can barely speak English. There's nothing wrong with someone not speaking English, except for when it's the only language I speak fluently and cannot understand them when they're trying to speak it. You know?

Anyway, last night, I knew I had to make a TON of phone calls today, so I prepped for it.

I meditated, I stored up a lot of paitence, I envisioned being treated nicely and remaining calm while on the phone, and guess what? All of that happened!!!

Don't get me wrong, I did almost lose my patience with an Insurance Company who would NOT answer their phone. I called for over two hours (in between making other phone calls) and every single time BUSY, BUSY, BUSY! So, rather than let that frusterate the living hell out of me, I decided to just go down there--in person--the soonest chance I have. That will be a lot more effective than getting all exasperated on the phone. No need for that, I can't MAKE someone answer their phone--as much as I would like to!

Also, the ONE person who wasn't nice to me (and hung up on me) I called the company back, asked for the manager--got a manager RIGHT on the phone and HE was very nice and apologetic. It is NEVER my intention to get ANYONE fired, but I DO deserve some decent respect--I'm in customer service too, and I know they have lives and tough times. But I NEVER intentionally hang up on my customers, and I would never dream of that. So, I don't appreciate it being done to me, I don't think anyone does.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm SO HAPPY my phone calls all got made today! It was my goal for today, and I'm so glad it only took me around 5 hours to do it all. I'm so glad EVERYONE was super nice, accomidating, patient and timely.

So many people think that customer service is going by the wayside, and in many cases, it is. The outstanding customer service I received from EVEYRONE today should not be a suprise, but it is, because it's so rare these days.

That being said, I am glad that the way I respectfully treat my own customers is coming back on me. Karma can be a real bitch, and in other cases, Karma can be rather lovely!

On a different note, I noticed yesterday, the AWESOME sunset! The way it started to set, and instead of going down really fast--it kind of hung there in the sky--casting almost a MORNING light on my porch, bedroom and my drive to work--it was so incredibly lovely, bright and heavenly--it made me really stop and take it in--and thank God for the eyesight to see it with and the ability to appreciate it!

Also, it's the last day of September, and I like September. It's been alright. Tough at times, but that's life.

I'm am SUPER EXCITED for October though--first off, TONS going on at work, so it'll be busy and exciting for sure! I LOVE Autumn (although Vegas seriously forgot THAT Memo, it's still 100* here--geeze!), I have always liked the month of October, and BEST OF ALL....

I get to see BOTH (or least two OF) my best friends in the SAME month--Miss Claudia is coming here to Vegas to visit me! A wonderful, lovely suprise! And then--later on in the month--I get to go to Reno, be a tourist in my own hometown AND see Miss Tessa!

Oh my goodness, I am so PSYCHED I can't even tell you! I have not seen either of these wonderful ladies since my wedding, over a year and a half ago--so this is SO COOL that I'll get to see them BOTH in the SAME MONTH!

Thank You, Lord!

Colin is doing better too, so that's good. That's SUCH a relief and I am so glad and so relieved and thankful for that!

Anyway, I need to go, I still have a TON to do today--but calling all those places and posting an entry (commemorating the end of September 2010) WERE on my list today--so at least I got all of that done!

I'll write again soon, lots more to say, just a little tiny time to do in....oh well, busy is blessed and I am certainly both!

Thank You, Lord, for it all--a healthier husband, two bestest friends, good pizza, great customer service, courtesy & kindness from others & overall, the ability to keep looking up!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

I Am Strong, I Will Survive!

2010-09-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

My own strength astounds me sometimes.

I know a lot of people have been through a lot of stuff. I know there are many people going through a lot of stuff. I know that there a lot of incredibly strong people out there and people who have survived unthinkable things. But, when I sit and think about what has gone in my life lately, or for the majority of it even, I am impressed. I am quite strong.

I absolutely give credit where credit is due, I have to do that and I love doing that. The first credit goes to God, and then to my mom and the rest of my family, and current amazing support group of fabulous friends! We all know that. It is true that I would not, and could not, get through this without them. But, at twenty-six, I've decided, it's time to give myself a little credit too.

I think knowing your own strength is a necessary for sanity. It is something that we all should know, and too often, we do not. The fortunate part of being tested in this life is that if we're open to it, eventually, we do learn just how darn strong we are.

At the end of the day, the only real person we can depend on, the only real person we have to put up with, is ourselves. It's easier to depend on someone you know can handle it, especially if that someone is you.

It isn't always easy, and we all have our moments. Shoot, last week, I was a mess. I was sad and depressed and questioning a lot of things. But I knew that that would pass, and I would come around again--I would return to that feeling of strength and endurance. And I did.

It occurred to me sitting in the Dr'.s. office this morning, I am one damn strong woman!

I don't often think about my own strength, but I hear about a lot. And you know what, everyone who says I am strong is absolutely correct. I am fiercely strong.

I think in the middle of things, you just kind of get through them and it isn't until you look back and go "Wow! I did that!" or "Holy crap, I survived that!"

Just because I'm saying I'm strong, though, doesn't mean I think I'm "all that," because I'm not.

I am not perfect, I am not easy, I am not even 99% optimistic anymore. I am flawed. But, even with all of that, I am still strong.

Five or ten years ago, the word I would've used to describe myself was "Determined," now, the word I use to describe myself is "Strong". Not because I'm no longer determined, but because I am more so strong than anything else.

Granted, being such a strong person wasn't something I had an option of being. It was either be strong, and survive, or curl up die. I chose strength, and I chose life. (And I'm so glad I did!)

My life today is so far removed from the hospital and the medical world. But, sometimes, it comes slamming back into my life in completely unexpected ways. Today was one of those days. I've had constant heartburn for 3 weeks now so I had to go see a stomach/esophagus doctor. As I was explaining my medical history to him, he doctor got a little nervous. I had to laugh at that, because to me, it's no longer a big deal--it's just my life. I've never known different, and every time I think I do, my body likes to remind me that I don't. I have to go in for an Esophagus Scope in a few weeks. It's been over five years since I've had to be knocked out for something, and yes, I am scared. I'm not terrified, and I know I'll get through it, it's really not the huge of a deal. I knew an Esophagus Scope is what the Dr. would tell me I needed, and I know it needs to be done. But, when I walked out of the office, I teared up a little. I didn't expect to tear up, I just did.

Then, I thought to myself "Sarah, you will get through this. This is really no big deal, you've done this many times before, and you are strong. You are so strong. You've been through ten times worse, and you'll get through it. And hey, with the way life is going lately, at least you'll get a damn good nap!"

That is honestly how I feel about it.

I don't want to be sick again like I was! I am grateful every single day--no matter what--for my health and ability to walk, talk, see, hear, sit, stand and breathe on my own. Those are all big beautiful miracles in my life!

But, for the past few months, a lot of other people in my life has been sick. For the first time ever, I am the healthier one. I'm not totally healthy, I'll always have on-going problems, medically speaking, but lately, I've consistently been on the outside of hospital walls--and now I won't be. Part of me is relieved, because I know I'll get well from this, but part of me has very mixed feeling about it.

Being on the outside of hospital walls is a great thing! What's not a great thing is that since June of this year, at various times, my husband, my mother, my grandmother, my father and one of my best friends have been inside the hospital. And yes, I'm sure it is stress that causing a lot of this for me now (I have to keep telling myself to practice what I preach--to not ask how, to just let go and let God!) But, it is totally freaky to me that most of the time, I'm the Visitor now, (in the hospital) and not the patient. I'm grateful for it, but it's weird.

That being said, a part of me misses being the one in the bed. Because as it turns out, life on this side of the hospital bed isn't always so easy. The Dr. asked me today if I had the same stress's as everyone else, to which I replied "Yes, I do, actually." And that's astounding to me.

It's astounding to me that I am strong enough to balance the two in my life--being the patient and the visitor. A part of me misses being the patient, because when you are the patient, your only responsibility is to get well--that's it. I know I need to be careful what I wish for, and like I said, I really have no desire to ever be as sick as I was, ever again. But, sometimes, it is alluring, because sometimes, that life was easier than the one I live today.

I am so not going for a pity party here. I don't feel sorry for myself, at all. My life today is not any harder than anyone else's. And I don't want anyone else to feel sorry for me, either. I live a tremendously blessed life. I have incredibly wonderful people in it. I have so many things to be thankful for it's almost ridiculous. And I am grateful for all of it, every day.

But, it just amazes me that I'm doing it. That I'm living this life. That when I tell my story to others, I hear it in almost a third person kind of way and then, and only then, does it dawn me that "wow, I'm still here." That must mean I'm strong.

It honestly amazes me, and tickles me, that I'm leading the life I am. It amazes me that I'm coping with it. That I'm willing and able to be there for my family and friends. That I'm open to learning new things every day. That I'm willing to always look for the lesson in whatever it is life throws at me. It amazes me--quite honestly--that I am walking, talking, eating and breathing on my own. That I can go to the bathroom and sit down and go--without a problem. That I can speak, and hear and see. It amazes me that I'm not a bitter, angry, cynical person (most days). It amazes me that I still want to get out of bed each day--that I can feel the nip of the Autumn air and savor it. It amazes me that I can look up and see trees blowing in the wind, and appreciate them--and the blue sky too. It amazes me that I can sit here and type and write and marvel at how wondrous life is. It amazes me that I'm not in a psyche ward, or a recreational drug user. Because, I think, in reality, most of us are all about two to five steps from either one of those. I've honestly never had a desire to use drugs, it would just compound my problems and nothing good ever comes from them. But, it amazes me that I look at my life as a blessing, and a gift, and that I can lean into my pain or sadness and not constantly run from it. It amazes me that I am willing to look at it, and look at myself, and learn from others. It amazes me that still have faith in a God who has spent most of my life testing me. (Yes, I know, He tests everyone, it's not personal.) And most of all, it amazes me that I am still so strong.

I can survive anything. I know that. I don't know a lot about this life, but I do know this: I am strong. I am incredibly, tremendously, unbelievably STRONG!

Are there days when I'm weak? Yes. Have I realized that it's okay to not be the strong one all the darn time? Yes. Have I learned the importance of admitting to it when I don't want to be strong, or when I am feeling weak? Yes. It's utterly important.

But, overall, at the end of the day, I am just strong.

I don't even think it's a "because I have to be" kind of thing anymore--I have had to be, but now, I'm an adult. I make my own choices. I could choose to be weak all the time, and bitter all the time, and withdraw and retreat. But, I don't. While I do have my moments, most days--I choose to face life head on.

I choose to keep learning. I choose to keep enjoying and loving and living. That choice is mine, and I choose to be strong.

I get a lot of my strength from the people in my life, they are fiercely strong too. That old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," is so true.

I'm not invincible, and I'm certainly not immortal. Eventually, I will die. I just know that, it's kind of a fact for everyone, whether they want to face it or not. I'm in NO hurry to do that, I'm too busy learning from and loving life. Because despite everything, it really is a magnificent blessing, and yes, I truly still believe that.

The point is, I know that no matter what life throws at me. Even if I am temporarily broken by it, eventually, I WILL overcome it. I WILL seize the moment, learn the lesson, look for the good and I WILL survive it....

I will survive it because that's all I have done and that's all any of us can do. Because lying down and/or going side ways is not an option. I will survive, and I will thrive, as long as I choose too.

Most of all, I will survive anything because I am incredibly, tremendously strong.....and "only the strong survive"!

Here's to every one's strength, everywhere--thank You, Lord, for my own.

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. Yes, this post was written more for myself than anyone else, and my grandma too--I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but let's just say she needs to find her will to live again.

I am not just strong, I have a strong will to live and I have a passion for life--both are necessary for any kind of good life.

Get to Singin'

2010-09-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a country music superstar. Actually, I wanted to be the next Wynonna Judd--literally.

The funny thing is that I have damaged vocal chords, the biggest question I get asked in my daily life is "What's wrong with your voice?" or "Are you sick?" (To which my answer is "nothing," and "no". My voice is different, that's been established on this blog.

But, even with damaged vocal chords, I still love to sing....

Sure, I'm a grown woman now, I know damn good and well that the chances of me becoming a famous singer were slim to none. I never really had the vocal chops to even try--this is a fact that used to devastate me.

Some people want to be famous athletes, dancers, actors or scientists--me, I just wanted to be a singer.

I know this isn't going to happen, and I know when it comes to singing, I have very little talent. But, you know what, that doesn't stop me from singing anyway.

The difference now is, I don't sing for anyone except myself. I have absolutely not desire to be a famous singer star--I'm GLAD that prayer was unanswered, really I am. But, that doesn't mean I can't still sing, and I do--a lot. And I still love it!

Sometimes I will sing in the car, or the shower (yes, I'm one of those people!), or even in the grocery store. I don't sing loudly, or even for anyone to hear me. And yes, I sing mostly country because if I can sing anything at all, it is modern country at best!

I grew up singing country music, and it's still my favorite thing to sing! It's cathardic. When I am singing, no what music it is, I am moved and healed in a way that nothing else quite does.

Often, when I'm very stressed, I will say to myself "you need to go sing," much like I say to myself "you need to go write." I do a lot of both. My mother tells me that I pretty much spent my entire childhood singing and writing in my room, and you know what, even as a grown up, some things never change.

I like to dance too, but being that I'm not in the best shape, I only last about one song when I'm dancing, but when I'm singing....oh, I go for at least an hour.

I like to sing different things at different times. Sometimes I like to sing happy songs to help me get to a happier place, sometimes I like to sing sad songs to induce my eventual tears (those are cathardic too). Sometimes, I like to sing "statement" songs--or songs about real life issues and social situations. And then, sometimes I just like to sing for fun! Fun songs that have no real meaning, they're just fun to sing and groove too!

And, even with my damanged vocal chords, I've come to discover, I'm not a horrible singer. I have very little range and I sing the lower octaves better than the higher ones, but I don't totally suck at it.

I'm especially good at singing Wynonna songs (gee, I wonder why?), Pam Tillis, Billy Dean, Phil Vassar, Trisha Yearwood and Martina McBride. I also sing Garth pretty well, most of his songs anyway. Now, of course, Billy and Wynonna are like "old friends" (no I don't personally know them, although I have met them!), so singing along to their music is like a no brainer! And I've recently figured out that I sing a lot of Phil Vassar's songs really well. I like that. I sing Martina McBride well too, when she's not belting it out because I have NO power like she does vocally, but in the\ lower, almost whispering parts of her songs, I can sing those.

I find myself singing an array of songs at different times in my life, but I always find myself coming back to the same 100 or so songs. I don't know why. I just know I sing them well and when I sing well, I feel better about myself. And better about life in general.

When I've had a bad day, or I'm overly worried or sad--I will sit in my room, with the computer or CD Player and just sing and sing and sing. It doesn't solve anything, but it doesn't have to. Singing just makes me feel good!

And if I'm not singing literally, I like to start singing life's praises! That's fun and uplifting too!

I think a lot of people secretly (or perhaps rather openly) wanted to be a famous singer when they grew up. And I think a lot of people still sing--whether they'll admit to it or not.

Sure, I still have dreams of singing on stage with even one of my favorite singers--I think everyone does. I know I'll probably never get to do it, but a girl can still dream, right?

Singing has been a constant in my life for over twenty years, and I think it always will be.

Music is healing, it's awe-inspiring, mood enhancing, and life changing.....

Sure, my singing is not going to change to the world at large, I know that. I'm a big girl now, I understand that that dream was never meant to be.

But that doesn't mean I still can't use singing to change my world--to make me feel better--to rely on an old friend (music) to comfort, soothe and heal me.

Thank You, Lord, for the wonderful gift of music--and singing--and for helping me to realize that although Nashville Stardom wasn't in your plan--I'm not a totally horrible singer either and for giving me the courage to still sing Your Praises--regardless of what life throws at me. It's all a beautiful gift!

And with that, I'm going to get to singin'!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Music Monday--This is God

2010-09-20T23:29:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking all week about what song to put on here for Music Monday, just now, it finally dawned on me.

Phil Vassar is one of my favorite singers/songwriters, ever. Back in 1998, he helped Jo Dee Messina resucrate her then faltering career with two huge hits "Bye, Bye" and "I'm Alright". Phil has also written for Colin Raye and Tim McGraw (My Next 30 Years).

When I saw him on TV 12 years ago, celebrating Jo Dee's success, then as a songwriter, and then again 2 years later with his first video, "Carlene," I knew he would be successful.

He isn't the biggest name in country music, why he's not, I still don't understand. But, I find myself turning again and again to Phil's music. Some of his songs do sound the same, but then again, so do a lot of artists' songs.

Tonight, I was on YouTube searching one of my favorite new songs, "Lemonade," by Phil and I found a bunch of his other videos. The one that struck me most was "This Is God."

"This Is God" is a song that came out around eight years ago, and I cried the first time I heard it. It is such a powerful, and yet simply stated song that it bears repeating. I'm not a fan of speaking for God, but I'm pretty sure that if He were to pop down here and speak to us directly--collectively--as a group of human beings, this is exactly what He would say.

This is one of those songs I wish I had written, and I will never understand why it isn't a huge hit, but I digress.

I felt compelled to share it, the video might have trouble finishing, but you'll get the first two verses, chorus and entire meaning of the whole song--it's sincerely brilliant!

Here is the incredible song, "This is God," by the multi-talented, amazing Phil Vassar:

Phil is also one of the BEST performers I've ever seen, I've only seen him once, but it was one of the best, most entertaining, high-energy, FUN shows I've ever been too! So, if you ever get the chance, go see him!

Happy Music Monday, y'all, peace & God Bless!

Thank You, Lord, for the gift of music, family, friends and laughter! I hope I'm doing You proud, I'm trying!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

The Joy of Simple Pleasures!

2010-09-10T11:02:00.001-07:00

*I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to post something I've been trying to post for three days now. I'm doing so today, I hope you all have a great day, and weekend!

September 7, 2010
12:14pm

I have a daily goal of enjoying at least 1--3 things each day. Random, unexpected things. Granted, in my world, I usually enjoy my food the most, but I'm making it a point of enjoying other aspects of my day too.

Today, my pleasures were:

Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds--so tasty, crunchy, sweet, creamy, delicious and nutritious! They were so good, a perfect "pick me up" treat to curb my salty/sweet chocolate craving! Mmm....yummy!

Driving with my car windows down right after it rained this morning. When I went outside, the air was cool, crisp and oh so refreshing! I woke up to rain--the sound and smell of it and CLOUDS. In Vegas, it's rare to wake up to clouds, we have over 300 days of sunshine per year, so when we DO get cloudy days- we love 'em. We also get very little rain, so when it's cloudy AND it rains--SCORE! Today, I woke up to both--I took a shower and left my bedroom screen door open and it was fabulous! :) When I drove to my appointment, I drove with the down--it was still sprinkling just a bit and the air was cool, damp and lovely! It was definitely the highlight of my day!

Last night, I caught all kinds of old videos on GAC! Videos I had not seen in YEARS! Literally. "From Here to Eternity" by Michael Peterson. "Single White Female" by Chely Wright. "Brother Jukebox" and "Gonna Get A Life" by Mark Chesnut. "Thank God for You," by Sawyer Brown. "That's How Your Love Makes Me Feel Inside" by Diamond Rio. "Cathy's Clown," by Reba McEntire. And "If I Didn't Have You," by Randy Travis. Videos I grew up watching and loving and had not seen in at least a decade! It was SO cool! I thoroughly enjoyed it!

Thank You, Lord, for simple pleasures, the love of family & friends and joy in the midst of business!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Saturday Night & Labor Day!

2010-09-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

Happy Saturday night, everyone, Happy Labor Day Weekend! I hope you're having fun closing out Summer 2010, but please remember,do not drink and drive. It's neither safe nor fair to you or anyone else. And it's just not worth it.

I have to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY (tomorrow) to my mother-in-law! I have the best mother-in-law and I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful, strong woman who works with me, and supports me and her son--both individually and together. Happy Birthday, mom--here's to many more, we love you!

Right now, I'm drinking a delicious cup of Hot Mint Tea w/ Honey--so delicious and relaxing!

I'm also watching shows I had recorded on the DVR, I love that DVR--literally, I think it's one of the best inventions since the Internet. Sure, back in the day (20 years) when I was a kid, we COULD and I DID record a lot of shows on the VCR--but you had buy the tapes, program them in advanced, set everything JUST right and pray to God it taped. LOL! This DVR is MUCH better!

At the moment, I'm watching the ABC Special "CMA Music Fest" and it so neat! I'm really glad that I've made a concious decision to return to my old hobby of Country Music. As you all know, for well over 20 years now, I've made it a huge part of my life! When I met Colin and got married, however, I kind of gave it up a bit. I still listened to country radio and I got HIM listening to country music (I always convert everyone--well actually, I don't, the music does, I just help it along!), but as far as knowing who and what was happening in the Country Music World, I didn't really know. Now, I do again and it's nice. I was always "Country When Country Wasn't Cool" and although I love all music now--in part thanks to Colin, truly--my heart is Country man. No two ways about it.

Right now, Kid Rock and Uncle Kracker are singing a song "Damn It Feels Good To Me" and it's really good. It's funny how two former non-country acts can sound MORE country than some country artists today. I have ALWAYS liked Uncle Kracker, he has a great voice and did a duet with Kenny Chesney a few years back called "When the Sun Goes Down". Uncle Kracker's song "Follow Me," is holds special significance for me. I won't say why, but it just does. So I've always liked him. It's funny, his current country hit "Smile" is so cool, and along with that and Train's (non-country) hit "Hey, Mr. Mr." it's like 2002 all over again. The year that I graduated High School and the summer following my graduation, it was "Drops of Jupiter" and "Train" ALL THE TIME on non-country radio. And this Summer of 2010, they're all over the radio again. I've always liked Train too. Anyway, this song by Uncle Kracker and Kid Rock is really neat. "If you don't like me that's okay, I ain't gonna let it ruin my day. I got no good reason why, Damn It Feels Good To Be Me....I got it all figured out, I got no worries that I'm worried about and if I got called crazy--happy to be--damn it feels good to be me." That's just cool!

Truth is, I have plenty of worries, we all do. But I'm getting better at not worrying myself into oblivion. Planning helps, worrying, not so much. And no, I don't have it all figured out, but I'm getting there. I'm figuring more and more out every single day. And that's all I can ask for.

I was thinking last night that with the changes going on in my life this year--losing Nellie, my father being so ill, my grandmother almost dying a time or two, Colin's illnesses, even with all that, 2010 has still been pretty good. I've had fun, I've truly enjoyed many things over the last 9 months or so. I've learned how to stand up for myself, how to take care of myself and how to take care of others. I was thinking last night that this could either be the year I almost lost a lot--and did lose a little (Nellie Marie) or it could be the year that I finally learned to let go.The choice is mine. The art of acceptance and letting go--it's a much needed lesson. I've not decided yet which it is, but I am getting there. I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, aside from Uncle Kracker and Kid Rock I was just watching Reba and you know, that woman is amazing! Truly, I know that word is SO overused--not EVERYTHING is amazing but Reba IS! That lady has done it ALL and it JUST dawned on me that she has been around my WHOLE life! Literally. She won her first CMA Award in 1984, I was an infant back then. There has never been a time in my lifetime, that Reba has not been around! And she's still kickin'! I have to say that she's the ultimate living legend for my generation. And all of my idols--Trisha, Martina, Wynonna--they all wanted to be like Reba for good reason! :) Here's to you, Reba!

So, as you can tell, my love affair with Country Music has been rekindled in a big, big way--and I'm loving it!

I am spending THIS Saturday night the SAME WAY I spent many a Saturday night growing up! Back then, I watched "The Mandrell Sisters" show w/ Barbara Mandrell (and her sisters, of course) and "The Grand Ole Opry Live". Yep, most kids were out with their friends having sleepovers--and I did have a few now and then. But, most Saturday nights, you'd find me with my TV Tray (and yes I have one tonight), yummy dinner and good ole country music viewing pleasure! It was cool--and it still is!

I've noticed that truly, the more things change the more they stay the same. I've also noticed that life is pretty much a game of "now or later." As much as I try and stay in the "now" because I believe it's incredibly important for peace, solitude and sanity--sometimes you do have to deal with the "later". You HAVE to plan a little bit--not worry yourself sick over the "what if," stuff...but balancing the two is just as important of learning to live in the now. Life will never be perfect, or even easy, but it is what you make it. I have learned to enjoy the "now," to live in the moment, cherish the little things and usually make the best of anything. I can't quite figure out to put this, so I'll just stop here, think about it a few days and write about it later. See, I'm choosing to not write about it now, so I'll write about it later--ha ha!

Moving on....

Oh, Hello Mr. Urban! (Still watching CMA Fest) Wow, that Keith Urban just gets better and better! I could look at him all day! But, he's not just nice to look at--he can sing, write and play guitar better than most people I've ever heard. Even Vince Gill admires Keith's guitar playing and that's saying something! When I got to see Keith in concert last year it was SO COOL! He puts on a fantastic show, really entertains and crosses genres flawlessly. He has respect for all music and I respect that about him. Sure, he's not always the most "country" country artist--but like me, he always comes back to it. He does A LOT of folk-sounding stuff as well as breakdown bluegrass stuff. He can do it all and does it all so damn well! Did I mention he's gorgeous? Yeah, watching him on TV any day has gotten to brighten your day a little--at least it brightened mine! LOL!

Now, I'm watching Martina McBride. I have to admit, I didn't always like her. In fact, I kind of used to not "get her"--at all. I don't know why, she's always been the epitome of a lady and a total vocal powerhouse. Today, she's one of my most favorites! But, it wasn't really until 1998 came and Martina put out a song called "Broken Wing" and holy cow--I've been a HUGE fan of hers ever since! Tim McGraw--the host of the show tonight--introduced her and called her one of his best friends. I know him and Faith ARE very close with Martina and her husband, John. Both couples have 3 daughters, share the music business as their form of employment and they all grow up in the South. So, yeah, of course they're close friends. My favorites Wynonna and Billy Dean are also close friends. So are Vince Gill and Reba. It's so neat knowing that all these artists I grew up listening to and still love and adore are actually friends with each other in real life. I'd LOVE to be a fly on the wall at ANY dinner they were having together. I'm just sayin'. I really like this song of Martina's "Wrong Baby Wrong," it's so true and man that girl can SING! WOW! Plus, shes' not much bigger than I am--that big voice comes out of a tiny 5.2" classy lady--it's quite cool! :)

So, today was a good day. I had a meeting at work and it went really well. I really appreciate that our bosses really appreciate us. At every meeting, and usually once a week or so, we get a "Thank You," and it's so nice to hear. I mean, they're our bosses and that is our job--but they say "Thank You" anyway and I just love it. It's nice to be appreciated and I respect anyone who is humble enough, and generous enough, to show and share their gratitude with others. It is so cool and very encouraging. It makes me want to do my job and do it well. I don't do it for praise, but hey, having bosses that show their appreciation beats the heck out of bosses who NEVER say anything nice. I am so blessed!

Oh, by the way, the BEST part about DVR's--being able to fast forward through the commercials! Fabulous!

Anyhow, I've wanted to write a lot in last 8 days or so, but I just haven't. I want to write about a lot of different things, but not just yet.

I'm choosing what I say on here quite carefully again.

I really just wanted stop in and write something--anything. I had no agenda for this entry and while it's probably not my best entry, hey, at least I wrote one!

I did want to mention that over the last week I got to see "Jersey Boys" the musical on the Strip. Great show, not worth $120 a ticket, but worth the pair of shoes we donated to get the tickets (Locals Special). If I was older, I probably would've been way more into it (even though I feel about 40 most days, I'm not.) The Four Seasons were a little before my time. I enjoyed it none the less, though. I also got to go to the Las Vegas History Museum and smell real Northern Nevada Sagebrush. Oh it was positively bliss full. I teared up, 'cause that's the kind of sap I am. But, the sage brush here in Southern Nevada smells different than the Sagebrush up in Northern Nevada where I'm from. So, being able to smell authentic Northern Nevada Sagebrush was like being home again--it was an instant memory kicker and it was so wonderful! All of the exhibits were so fun and fascinating and very well put together, but the Nevada Exhibit was my favorite. People tend to overlook my home state, and while I'll admit, it's in one hell of a pickle right now, I love that I was born and raised here. I'm proud of it. Nevada is very diverse and has a lot to offer, I'm glad I know it's history and most of all, I'm glad I got to smell the Sagebrush of my stomping grounds! I also got to hang with Sarah on Monday and that was fun, as always. She lives in a truly gorgeous, quiet part of town and we had a blast! It was so peaceful and serene up there, I loved it! Today, I went to the Outlet Mall and that was fun too! It's nice to get out of the house, but I really am a homebody. That's just me.

Anyway, time for bed. Yes, it's only 10:29pm, but I'm tired. Tomorrow (Sunday) is the day of rest, and I'm startin' early tonight!

Thanks for stopping by, y'all--and thank You, Lord, for a wonderful week--strength, courage, kindness, compassion, peace, quiet, abundant & delicious food, my home, my friends, my family and of course, Country Music!

Oh, in honor of both Labor Day and my awesome Country Music--I'll leave you with a song that signifies both. This song is what country music is all about--paying homage to the working class. It's called by "A Hard Hat and a Hammer" by the fantastic Mr. Alan Jackson, before I post the lyrics though, you can find the video here.

I also wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to all the hard workers out there, and even those that want to work (but can't find a job right now--it sucks, I know.) I love my country's work ethic, I love that I grew up having a work ethic instilled in me (thanks, Mama!) and I admire and appreciate everyone out there who works tirelessly. There is more to life than work, but work is a part of life. Together, workers are the backbone of this country.

So, here's me tipping my hat to all of you on this glorious Labor Day Weekend and here's another one of Alan Jackson's "gems":

All week long making a living
Life keeps takin', he keeps giving
Behind the scene, below the grade
Hardly noticed but part of everything

But there's nothing wrong with a hard hat and a hammer
Kind of glue that sticks this world together
Hands of steel and cradle of the Promised Land
God bless the working man.

Yes, indeed, God Bless the workin' man, and woman, and God Bless Us Everyone!!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Best Day in a Long Time!

2010-08-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

I know I already wrote an entry today, but I just wanted to say that I had the best day I've had in a long time--Truly.

This was the best day in a long time for a variety of reasons, but one of the main reasons was simply because of this:

There was no crisis...there was no conflict....there was no argument with anyone--myself included. No one called me up and said "you have to take care of this NOW!", no one went the hospital or smashed their face open or wrecked their car. There was no push and shove and no pull and prod. There was no dyer need for me to do anything imparticular and I felt great physically, too!

Yes, today was a very good day indeed!

Obviously, I wrote an entry this morning and then I went and got my car smogged.

I also went to the Library and found some terrific music and books! Thank God for Libraries--thank my County too! I LOVE Libraries, they're fantastic places to learn a wealth of information and gain a wealth of inspiration! My local libraries are one of my favorite things in life, and the older I get, the more I appreciate them--they're such an asset to the community!

Speaking of the Library, I could literally check out the ENTIRE Religion/Spiritual section if they'd let me! LOL! I came home with some stuff--I just love learning about different paths to God and how people see the world and what they believe. It's endlessly fascinating!

I'm already a quarter of the way through a terrific book on Healing--it's so great! I can't read it fast enough--I love reading and I'm blessed to have the freedom and ability to do so! Yay!

I got my car washed and waxed for a very reasonable price and I must say, it looks better right this minute than it did when I first bought it last year! My car, inside & out, is sparkling and shiny and beautiful. My windows are so clean that I had to check twice to make sure they were rolled up! The car is so nice and clean that I almost don't know what do with it. It's in gorgeous show-room new condition, which is so nice to drive around in!

(Call me shallow on the car thing, perhaps. I get maybe 3 car washes a year and rarely ever for this cheap! I am so psyched, because the way I see it is, if I have to spend that much time in my car--which I still love driving by the way--why not have it be clean and enjoyable?)

I got to talk to my Grandma today and one of my best friends, Tessa! She and I chatted for probably 2 hours. We only get to talk about once or week or so, now, which is better than once a month, I guess, but that just makes the weekly phone chat that much longer. LOL! We laughed and laughed, it was great!

Then, I ran a few more errands and went to my favorite new place to eat. Smashburger! Yes, you read that right, this former-vegetarian is no longer meat-free. Sorry, folks. I found out about this place from a friend and oh good Lord, it is SO good. I'm still not a huge meat eater, and when I do eat it, I'm quite picky about it--especially my burgers. But these burgers are SO GOOD--the burger itself is 100% Angus Beef (always a good thing) that they smash down (literally) and fill with great flavor and seasonings. And the toppings are SO FRESH! Crisp lettuce, juicy tomato (not the pasty kind, either), crisp & vibrant red onion (my favorite) and honest to goodness freshly sliced cheese! Oh, man! And, when you get the burger to your table, it actually DOES look a picture. I kid you not. You know, the pictures on TV that you always see of burgers advertised by fast food joints--well, this actually looks just like those pictures--and they taste amazingly better! Smashburger's Classic Burger reminds me of the hamburgers that my Grandma made for me growing up. There, I said it, yes, it's a Grandma-thing for me. But, before I became a vegetarian, my Grandma made the best hamburgers. They were just so juicy and full of flavor! Yum! Smashburger is terrific and if you have one in your town, I highly recommend you stop in! Sure, the calorie and fat overload are horrendous, but hey, once in a great while--what the heck? Oh so good, my mouth is still watering just thinking about it.

I'm just as shocked as you all are. I've never been a burger fanatic. I liked In N' Out Burgers for a LONG time, and I still do. In N' Out's Animal Fries and Grilled Cheese (Hamburger without the actual burger, confusing, I know.) are out of this world! I still crave them--and they make the BEST french fries ever! But, at Smashburger, I'm in love with the ACTUAL BURGER! What a concept! The burger itself is delectable! Smashburger also makes great fries, I prefer their Sweet Potato Smash Fries because they're cut just right and are tossed with Rosemary & Garlic--which is very different, but delicious. The contrast between the crisp outside of the french fries, combined with the creamy inside of it--with the sweetness and earthiness of the sweet potato itself, together with the savory earthiness of the pungent rosemary and hint of garlic flavor--it's an incredible taste sensation! Oy ve!

So, there you have it, I love Smashburgers! Go figure!

The other reason my day was so great (aside from Smashburger) was that I got to listen to some wonderful music while driving around town! At the Library, I rented Joe Nichols' CD "Real Things," whose title track is written by my favorite, Billy Dean! But, the whole CD of Joe's is stellar--a real country record, with a modern twist--so cool! I got a Kathy Mattea (who I adore!) CD, a Phil Vassar CD (my favorite songwriter) which had a great song called "Lemonade" on it--such a cool message that song has in it! That Phil is brilliant with his song writing and piano playing, let me tell you! I also got Kenny Chesney's "Lucky Old Sun," the actual CD that has "I'm Alive & Well" on it. (One of my picks this week for Music Monday) and the entire CD is great. You know, a lot of people in the country world kind of brush Kenny off as a country Jimmy Buffet or a rockin' party boy. But, on this CD, wow, Kenny really shows his sensitive, introspective side--it's a great CD!

So, I got great music, great good & great conversation--all of which add up to one fantastically terrific day!

ON TOP OF THAT, however, I also got to hang out with some friends and their kids and that was so much fun too! I drove home this evening during a thunder/lightning storm and it was so beautiful! The two don't scare me as long as I'm in a car--the lightning over the Strip was just beautiful and mystical--it was so cool!

Oh, and I wrote a lot today, I wrote not only these two entries here, but I wrote some poems and other things. I'm learning, a lot, and I'm feeling so much better all the way around. I'm feeling positive--obviously. You know, I'm still thought of as "perky" and perhaps my optimism is sometimes annoying--but that's how I've survived, people! If I was negative ALL the time, I sincerely believe I wouldn't be alive today. For a variety of reasons. What's different about my current positive attitude, though, and my younger, more innocent positivity--is that I'm real. I'm willing to come on here and write about how/when/why life sucks. I'm old enough to know, through personal experience and the experiences of others, that sometimes, life DOES suck. That sometimes, it isn't fair. That sometimes, all the freakin' optimism in the world can't help you. I know that life is real and up and down and back again. I'm not naive anymore, folks, my optimism is genuine, but so is my attitude when I'm not 100% optimistic. I like to look on the bright side, I always have, I always will--and I really like that about me. I can be Debbie Downer with the best of 'em, but for the most part, I still believe that you get what you give. That the quality of your life is--most days--how you perceive it to be. I'm not running around sticking a fake smiley face on every thing not right in the world--some of it is just plain wrong and crazy--but focusing solely on the plain wrong and crazy doesn't get us much of anywhere either. So, go figure. My point is, I like that I'm perky and positive and real, and I like that if/when I have a bad day or am struggling, I finally have the guts to say so!

Basically, this has been the best day I've had in a LONG time! I've had MOMENTS of peace and MOMENTS of goodness and pleasure and enjoyment. I can always find them when I seek them because as you know, most of the time, I go actively looking for them--and if I don't find them, I just create them for myself. But, the difference between those days and today is that this day--this day was a WHOLE DAY OF ENJOYMENT! I also took a nap, which was so lovely! I love naps! I was equally active and restful--talkative/creative/silent. I got to spend time with my friends and loved ones, eating great food, seeing some amazing sights, listening to fantastic music and feeling well physically while doing all of it. Yeah, that adds up to a whole day of goodness, for me!

It's been a long time since I've been able to have this kind of day--where I had the WHOLE day, not just bits and pieces of solitude. I didn't sit down and meditate today, but I did have moments of quiet reflection throughout my day--and sometimes--those are just as good--they all add up.

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring and I'm not too worried about it. I know days like this don't happen every day, and I'm okay with that. Because it just makes them all the better and all the more enjoyable when they do!

I felt happy today, I felt peaceful and calm and even. I did not feel like everything is right with the world, I know it's not. But, for one single day--everything was right in mine. And that's a really nice feeling!

Thank You, Lord, for a whole day of wonderfulness!

I hope you all had a great day too, and I hope you have a great rest of the weekend! Enjoy!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. I also found razors and Tagament (similar to Pepcid AC) on SALE! I really needed those two items and the Tagament meant--NO HEARTBURN! I was able to enjoy my Smashburger--and other foods--without a stomach ache or heartburn! That is just awesome on any day!

Someone Always Has It Worse...

2010-08-27T09:24:00.001-07:00

Last night, after dinner, I got horrendous heartburn. Like, awful, searing, incredibly painful, want to pass out, kind of heartburn. It was a doozy. I get heartburn from time to time, only I don't get it like the rest of you--no, I get "heartburn" in my sternum, and when I do--it doesn't so much "burn" as it does feel like someone is literally twisting my sternum and stomach up and wringing it out to dry. It is awful. Sometimes, I even pass out. Not for very long and I know that's not normal, but it's only for about three seconds or so and then I come right back too. Anyhow, after the hour-long heartburn ordeal--which lasted about 20--40 minutes more than it usually does, I felt 110% better. It always wears me out when I get it, but oh the difference between how I feel when I have it and how I feel when I don't--night and freakin' day!

I got up after the heartburn was over and went on about my evening. Colin asked "how do you do that?" I said "because I had heartburn, I wasn't dying. Life goes on."

I've always been resilant like that, I guess. Don't get me wrong, when I do have heartburn like that, I kind of want to be put out of my misery, but I've dealt it with my whole life so I know how to handle it. I know my body well, so I feel it coming.

And besides, someone always has it worse than I do.

That lesson, that someone always has it worse than I do, is a HUGE lesson to learn in life and one that I was taught that lesson from a very early age.

It's not that I wasn't allowed to acknowledge my pain (physical, emotional or otherwise) it's that after I acknowledged it, I was highly encouraged to move on--because yes indeed, someone (lots of someones actually) always had it worse than me.

People without limbs or fingers or who literally can't physically speak. People who are deaf or blind or whatever. I'm not taking pity on them, because I've known each of these types of people and THEY are the amazing ones! They are usually always kind and considerate and incredibly, willfully strong. So, I'm not taking pity on the the people who, I think, have it worse than me, it's just that I'm able to see (most days) how damn good I have it.

Someone always has it worse than I do.

For instance, I read yesterday that Martin Shorts' wife just died. They were married for 30 years and have three or four children--the children are grown, but still. I can't imagine being married for that long and then suddenly losing my husband. Granted, that's the vow we all take "'till death do us part," and 30 years is a good long, time. But, that's just it. That was 30 years of love and caring and arguing and partnership and parenthood. 30 years of affection, compromise, respect, laughter, sleeping together. Thats' a lot. She was only 58 years old, that's quite young to die now. I was so sad when I read it, it just broke my heart. I know death is a part of life, and apparently, Martin Short has had multiple deaths of loved ones his life, but its just sad. And it sucks. I can't imagine how him and his children are feeling now. I am definitely praying for all of them. See, they all have it worse than I do right now.

Another group of people who have it worse right now is that group of thirty-three men trapped in a mine in Chile. They're sincerely trapped, in a shallow mine cave some hundreds of feet below the ground. According to this article on Yahoo! the miners have a carved out a small space for themselves where they can rest, play cards and walk around (in circles, I'm assuming, and I'm not trying to be funny). They say they meet everyday for "counsel and conference" to make decisions as a group. But with the tempratures reaching 85* Fariegnheight and no viable form of rescue until possibly December (yeah, as in FOUR MONTHS from now), my, my, my. It'll be a miracle if they all don't go crazy. Seriously, I'm not trying to be funny, I can't imagine being literally trapped ANYWHERE for four months. Or even four days. They are being fed food and water which is being sent down by a tiny tube and also oxygen, so that's good. They're not going to starve, or die of thirst, but still. I'm thinking, right now, these brave men definitely have it worse than I do.

Who else has it worse? Any homeless or hungry person. Any one of the 5,000 victims of Hurricane Katrina who are STILL displaced, five years AFTER the tragic hurricane that almost destroyed the Gulf Coast.

I learned on the news last night all about the progress--and lack of progress in some areas--in the five years since Hurricane Katrina. And much like 9/11/01--it affected me deeply. I wrote a few entries about it back then, and it still pangs me today. Can you imagine being literally displaced from a real home for five years? That's half a decade. See, they have it worse than I do right now.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people who have it better than I do right now too. You know, millionaires, ANYONE vacationing in Italy, any guy or gal sittin' on a white sandy beach listening to the beautiful sounds of the ocean sitting right in front of them. Anyone whose beloved pet is still alive and with them. (I still miss Nellie, so much).

But, overall, I think for everyone else--we're about even.

It's important to remember that no matter how bad things get, and I'm NOT tempting fate here--someone always has it worse than I do.

Remembering that solid, truthful lesson is just one way of experiencing love and hope and gratitude. And as long as you still have those--you're doing pretty well for yourself.

Thank You, Lord, for reminding me that someone does have it worse than I do, and that I can send those someones love and light and hope. I can be grateful for every blessing in my life based on the sheer fact that it is in my life to begin with. What a powerful lesson to learn and know and live.

So, dear, readers, this is what I'm asking of you this weekend: even if you don't get the exact weekend you want, even if you can't cram all the fun into the next three days that you'd like to cram in. Just be grateful for what you do have. Look around, try to visibly notice how good you have it, and every time you see someone who has it worse than you do--thank your Higher Power for your fortune, and bless the less fortunate. We all need more love and blessings in our lives, as well as the ability to see them, because again, as long as we can acknowledge those--we're one step ahead of the madness that often ensues negative attitudes.

Have a great weekend, everyone, and enjoy the second to last weekend of summer!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

**Update @ 10:52pm--PST. I'm watching a special on 20/20 about Albinism. People who are Albino and how they're treated in America, and how they're treated in Africa. Let me just say, I know what it's like to be sick, I know what it's like to be vastly different from everyone else. My height, my voice, my scars--they all make me different. But for some reason, I always knew I was worthy and valuable regardless of what other kids said--and believe me, they tried to convince me otherwise many times. The kids Albino Kids in America are shunned by their peers and sometimes forced into a recluse lifestyle. That saddens me. Personally, I figured if I stopped going to school at any one time, than the mean kids won--and that is something I was not going to let happen. Anyway, the Albino People in Africa--oh, it is heartbreaking. The Albino People in Africa are often killed--or slain for their body parts because in parts of Africa (Tanzania, especially) Albino Body Parts are thought to have "magical powers" and are traded on the Black Market for a lot of money. We are talking real, live human body parts ripped from their original bodies while the person is alive and awake. I can't imagine the horror of that, and to be honest, I don't want to either. One Albino woman's arms were ripped right off her body in the middle of the night. Just cut right off and she was left for dead. She didn't die, amazingly enough, but lived the next three years without either of her arms. See, THAT'S what I mean, THAT'S sort of why I don't complain too much (if I can help it), THAT'S why I go around saying how beyond blessed I am--because I am. I HAVE my two arms, she didn't. Can you honestly imagine what it would be like to live life (all be it not independtly) without arms? Or without legs? Our service men and women do it all the time. This Tanzanian Woman got to come to America and get fitted with prostetic arms, thank goodness, but in doing so, she had to RE-LEARN EVERYTHING! She had to re-learn how to pick up a simple glass of water, how to pour that glass of water, how to write, how to hold a book and turn its pages. How to reach for something in a cabinet, how to even open the door. That's amazing! And most of us, granted not all of us, but most of us--we can do all of the above every day of our lives and we often don't even think about it. It's SUCH a GIFT to have four limbs that work they way you want/need them too. THAT is why I am so intent on this message today: no matter how bad you may think you have it, there IS always someone who has it worse than you do. And after watching a story like that, I am thanking my lucky stars (and the good Lord) for every properly working, moving muscle/limb/finger/toe in my body! Things like that just put all my problems completely into perspective. Wow! God Bless that lady, who by the way, is now a Seamstress back in Africa--she laughed all the home--simply amazing!

My thoughts an a Country Music Blog & A Wonderful Wednesday!

2010-08-25T10:59:00.001-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a life-long country music fan! I am no longer closed minded about music, the older I get, the more I like it all. But I always, always come back to country music--it is truly one of my passions in life! I found an article (through Facebook) about 10 Great Country Songs that no one really knows about, the article is here. This was a great article and really got me thinking. I am definitely going to check out the songs (mentioned in the article) by Vince Gill (another country great--no, make that, Country Legend) and Ty Herndon. I also will always be a life long supporter and loyal of both Trisha Yearwood and Billy Dean (and Wynonna)! Here is my response to the article:

**************
Thank you so much for recognizing Trisha Yearwood and Billy Dean–two out of my three very favorite singers/artists ever!

SO FEW people recognize Billy or even know who he is. Josh Turner just did a re-make of “I Wouldn’t Be a Man” on his latest album, “Haywire” and while I’ve tried and tried–Josh’s version just doesn’t hold a candle to Billy’s! Billy’s video of that song was pretty terrific too!

Billy Dean is one of the greatest artists Country Music ever knew, I never understood why he wasn’t way bigger than he was. He has a great voice and is easy on the eyes to boot! I’ve had the sincere pleasure of meeting him four times now (really) and he is one the nicest, most humble and genuine human beings I’ve ever met! Trisha too, I’ve met her once–she is so nice and kind and sweet–and very genuine. I think that’s why I always come back to country music–no matter what–(most of) their artists are real and hard-working and approachable, not a lot of other genre’s can say that. Trisha’s cookbook is great too–and and the whole record “Thinkin’ About You” was brilliant!

Trisha (sing, act, cook) and Billy (sing, write, play instruments) are multi-talented artists who can do a variety of things and do them all so very well!

Both of Trisha and Billy’s record listed here “Thinkin’ About You” and “It’s What I Do” are stellar records and still some I find myself playing almost weekly around my house! Thanks for recognizing truly great artists!

And about George Jones–”Beer Run” was a great song, still is. It’s fun and kickin’! Bad timing, I guess. But really, nothing keeps ‘The Possum’ down for long!

Great article!
*****************************

In other news, I'm having a wonderful Wednesday! It is bright and sunny and just gorgeous! I am feeling better today (I have bronchitis, caught it in time, went straight to the Dr., got Rx's and am feeling much better)--and I had a wonderful meditation session this morning! Awesome!

Last night, though, in the quiet of my room, I was laying on my bed, looking at my toes. And I thought to myself: "it is so awesome that I can move my toes!" I moved my four right toes, then my four left toes. Then I said to my brain "move my big toe" (left foot) and it did! I mean, how cool is that? That even though I was feeling pretty lousy otherwise, I can still sit (or lay) and marvel at how wonderfully awesome my body is!

The human body itself is TRULY amazing and what it does for us--each day--day in and day out--it's just awesome! The fact that our heart beats and our lungs breathe (most days) and like, we have hair on our head (most of us) and fingernails and toenails and arms and legs. That's a gift! And when we do get sick--it's our body's way of telling us--clearly--to sit down, shut up and REST! Being sick is a blessing almost because you're given the gift of HAVING to be in tune with your body. I didn't fight being sick this time, I just accepted it as it was and I think it's part of the reason I'm feeling better today. I figured, just because my body was taking revenge against me, that didn't mean I had to take revenge against it. I could tune in, be thankful for its good parts and genuinely ask that it heal what is not working so well. It's a freakin' miracle that I didn't get sick sooner--given all the stress I've had lately--so it was really just a matter of time with MY body--I just decided to listen to it--sit down, shut up and REST! And I'm glad I did!

Speaking of the human body's greatness--right now--I have clear skin--which always a plus.

Yesterday morning I felt like my body was raging against me, but you know, when I turned my attention to all that it DOES do for me--I felt a little better. Don't get me wrong, I felt lousy still--my body was raging war inside itself--but I was able to go the Dr.'s, instead of the hospital (thank God) and get the medicine I so badly needed and now, I feel a bit better. I'm still not 100%, but it is such a gift that I was able to get what I needed in the way of medicine and Dr. attention. That's a blessing and I'm very grateful for it!

So, all and all, I'm feeling quite positive again. And sincerely, the morning sunlight shinning in my room right now (I'm writing this on the laptop while lying on my bed) is just so beautiful! I'm writing poetry again and that feels great too!

I have the next two days off, so I can rest and continue to recuperate then. Life is beautiful and I'm just so happy to be a part of it!

There'll be no hospital stay for this girl anytime soon! Yay!

Thank You, Lord, for a working body, beautiful sunlight, awesome people, and the gift of health--even when it goes away for a moment or two. I am truly blessed!

Have a great Wednesday, y'all--Peace!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Music Monday--on Sunday! And.....Peace Within!

2010-08-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

Music Monday....one day early, on Sunday! Plus, you get TWO songs this week!

I really, really like both of these songs; this week, the first one came to mind almost every day. As you all know, it's been a little crazy lately, and it finally dawned on me that hey, you know what, I'm alive! And that's all that really matters! I'm eating, drinking, have clean water to drink, a bed to get into, a home to come home to, an inner-strength, faith in God, friends and family, yep, I'm alive & well. I'm breathing in and out, and that is a gift. All I can do is take it one day at a time, it's all any of us can do. But, this Kenny Chesney/Dave Matthews song is so soothing, calming and true, enjoy!

The second song for "Music Monday," one day early is Reba McEntire's new song "Turn on Your Radio," what a great song that is! It is probably the most "rockin'" un-country sounding song she's ever done, but there's just something about it that is so fun! It's great to hear Reba on the radio again, and also great to see a legendary artist such as herself be willing to try new things and switch it up a bit! Very cool! Enjoy!

In other news:

I DID end up having a GREAT Friday! Colin is doing okay and so is everyone else--thank God!

I am really, really glad to have Colin home and so grateful he is okay--he really is a gift in my life, in so many ways. And Lord knows, I've learned a lot from him--how I should and how I want--to treat others. How to be less judgemental, how to expand my sense of compassion, so many things. Thank God he's okay.

I had a great night at work Friday night and was able to enjoy a lovely, leisurely, CALM day today!

I went to church with my mom, helped served communion, got a lot out of the service (the message was "Hang in there"--pretty appropriate!), came home and took a nice, long nap....THAT was blissful! Then I got up, watched some cooking shows, and "Friends" (of course) and then went to the store. We're really tight on money right now, but a girl's gotta eat--literally. There's a lot I WILL do to save money, there's plenty I'll give up--but eating well is NOT one of them. We've been over this before and I still say--my ONE luxury and necessity is GOOD FOOD! Part of my battle plan against that depression that was creeping up on me on Friday (last entry) is nutrition! Anyway, after I went shopping I came home and made some DELICIOUS Cous-cous!!! I just LOVE cous-cous; it's so easy, so quick and can be made 1,000 different ways; sweet, savory or both!

Tonight, I added green onions, dried apricots, lemon, ginger, garlic, butter, EVOO, cucumbers and jicama to the cous-cous--oh SO YUMMY! It was such a nice (brilliant) balance of flavors. I FINALLY found arugula at the store (which I've been trying to find for MONTHS!), so on the side, I had the Arugula dressed with lemon juice, EVOO, salt/pepper and freshly grated Parmesan cheese. So good!

After that (for dessert) I drank a cup of peppermint tea w/ honey and that was delicious as well. I don't know why, but there really is something so relaxing about a warm cup of tea. It had just the right amount of honey in it and oh wow--it was great! So, basically, I was able to just RELAX today, chill, rest, and nourish myself--mind, body and soul. It was fantastic!

I didn't want to go to church, but my mom talked me into it and I am glad I went. I got a lot out of it and felt really great after wards!

I had a fabulous time with Sarah on Friday, I just adore Fall Fashions and the lunch and chats we had were just awesome! She is so good to me and I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life! Colin came home that night. It was really nice having him home and while life in general is up and down, I truly believe we've ALL turned a corner and the very worst of it (for now) is over. I'm back to EXPECTING GREAT THINGS!

The Universe itself is NOT against me, God doesn't hate me and I am capable of great things, good times and overall, I CAN have a non-miserable existence.

I didn't really believe all of that last week, but I do now.....I KNEW it deep down, but I wasn't to into believing it, you know.

I don't want to jinx it, or us, or anything--but I have found a CALM, STEADY PLACE of PEACE WITHIN this weekend. I was strong these last six weeks and I DID get through it all--but I now FINALLY have a PEACE about it all. I learned a TON of stuff, I grew up a lot, and I grew in my faith-so all and all, it wasn't so bad. Not that I'd do it again, BUT....everything happens for a reason and the entire time I was graced, laced and showered with miracles! It's true!

I talked to my awesome, terrific friend, Tessa (who is also so good to me) last night for an hour and a half and that was extremely fun, helpful and lovely--as always! I have the BEST friends in my life--literally!

So, that's that. I'm over the hump, I've turned the corner, I've learned to take it one day at a time (a lesson that was truly driven home over the last few weeks) and LAUGH about most of it. Which is good, it's very good!

I don't know what's around the corner, none of us does, but I am finally to a point where I don't have to know, I'm okay not knowing and I can take pleasure, peace and pride in each and every day.

I am actually excited to see what comes next in my life; I have a feeling its going to be very, very good!

After rain, comes the sun and I'm definitely do for some sunny times--most of which, I know, I must make for myself!

Happy Sunday, y'all--and Happy Music Monday, tomorrow! Here's to a great, calm week filled with love, laughter and peace!

Thank You, Lord, for it all--especially the calm, leisurely Sunday I enjoyed today!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. Here's a quote I found a while back, I think it's quite pertinent lately:

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart."

So, again, based on that definition, I do have peace right now, and I'm so glad and grateful for it! God Bless Us Everyone--here's to inner-peace for all of us!

Do not ask HOW? Just let it be, get up and do what you can....

2010-08-20T10:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know HOW I'm getting through all of this, I have no idea HOW I'm going to get through what is to come....

but I'm getting this clear cut, stillness right now saying....(not literally, I'm not hearing voices, but those of you who know God know what I mean).....

Don't Ask How.

Stop asking How.

Obviously, you ARE doing it.

Just get up, let things be as they are....accept them as they come....don't put up a fight...don't make it harder than it has to be....accept how you feel....accept others' struggles....and just do what YOU can do.

Don't ask how.

I'm going to go with that today, I think it's good.

God knows how, so I don't have to.

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz

Greiving for Nellie, but Life Is (Still) Beautiful!

2010-08-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be honest, I'm a little blue today. I'm not totally down in the dumps, angry, sad "my life sucks" depressed, but I am a bit--shall I say, melancholy?

First of all, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY miss my Nellie. A lot. It hit me especially hard this past weekend when I came home from a trip to Ohio/Kentucky and for the first time in over 16 years, that cute little fur ball wasn't here to greet me when I got home.

My husband is also in the hospital, and there were some kids shot on the property where I work this past Tuesday. (I wasn't there, it was after-hours).

Oh, and my dear, dear (one of my very best) friend, Claudia, was in the hospital too, recently.

So, basically, the crap has just been piling up lately!

Yes, the miracles too. I know that, I feel that, I am very well aware of--and grateful for--that.

Legally, I cannot go into specifics, even if I wanted to (and I kind of want to because it would be quite healing, but not now), but pretty much Summer 2010 has made Summer 2009 look like a warm tropical vacation.

Earlier this week, on Wednesday, I believe, I broke down. I got angry and sad and cried...and then later that night, I laughed and laughed and laughed and then laughed some more--and then I laughed at that....not because ANY of this is actually funny, but because you HAVE to laugh. I'm a writer, I have a vivid imagination, but not quite THIS vivid--and honestly, I couldn't make this shit up lately!

Everyone keeps telling me to write about all of this, and I will, in due time--once I have legal clearance.

I'm not in trouble with the law or anything like that, but jobs could be on the line (mine, my husbands, my best friends') if I got real specific right now, so I won't.

My point is, I am truly handling ALL of that quite WELL! My therapist said so, a counselor at work said so, and ALL of my family/friends have said so--really! I'm okay--I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm stronger, I'm wiser and I do sincerely feel a great sense of PEACE about EVERYTHING because, no one (except for Nellie Marie, of course) died. I am tremendously grateful for that, you have NO idea!

But, the ONE THING that I'm not handling so well this morning is the loss of my Nellie Marie. She was my baby, granted my fur baby, I know. But, I miss her SO MUCH! The house feels SO EMPTY without her and truly, without my husband in the bed and without her--I am sleeping alone. I've never liked sleeping alone.

I have slept "alone" (as in without a man) for most of my life, I've only lived with Colin for three years. But, for ALL of my teenage years (and 10, 11, 12 and 20 years old onward until now), I had NELLIE......I would go to sleep next to her and wake up next to her. Rather, she would be smack dab in between my legs on the bed curled up in a ball, pretty much each and every morning. And at night, I'd give her a treat--she'd lay in my arms, curl up next to me, I'd pet her, listen to her purr, breathe her scent in--and fall asleep.

Truthfully, THAT is what I miss the most. Okay, also, truthfully, I do NOT miss cleaning a cat box--at all. But, that's about the only positive surrounding her death right now. No stinky, messy, bulky cat box to be cleaned......other than that, I miss her terribly.

Nellie was the ONE CONSTANT in my life for 16 years....no matter where I lived, no matter what happened in my life, no matter WHO was in my life and who was not, no matter how old (or young) I was, no matter where I worked (or didn't work) and no matter what mood I was in--she was THERE. And now, she's not--and it sucks.

Mostly, though, it just HURTS. You know, I know it's normal what I'm feeling, I know that she was 16 years old and sick and I HAD to put her down. I KNOW I did the right thing and that she is in a much better place right now. I KNOW that I am so beyond blessed to have had those 16 years with her, but.....that is a LONG time. I'm 26 freakin' years old, NOTHING else in my life has lasted for 16 years......she did.

I feel like there's a whole in my heart, sincerely, not to sound overly dramatic, but....as nuts as EVERYTHING ELSE is around here right now....I can DEAL WITH IT....what makes me want to just go back to bed and/or cry for hours is the fact that my Nellie is gone.

I know, I know...she's with me in spirit, and I can carry her in my heart, my head and my memories. Her ashes are in a cute little white cat earn on the counter (so glad I did that, really!) and I have God.....but, God just doesn't pop down here and purr next to me like she did. Like right now, my lap feels empty--she used to sit on my lap while I wrote poems, entries, etc.

My lap and part of my heart is empty...I didn't expect the emptiness. I expected the grief, denial, anger and acceptance. I wasn't ready for the empty feeling.

I'm also envious. Envious of people whose animals ARE still alive and healthy. Whose marriages are smooth and easy. Whose parents are healthy. Whose friends and loved ones are sane and capable of dealing with life. Who have had a nice, relaxing, alluring summer.

Yes, I'm envious.

I'm NOT jealous, not in the least, I am HAPPY for each and every single person who has it really good right now. Well, I have it really good too, jut not easy. I'm envious of those who have it who has it easier than I do right now, but guess what.......

Those starving people across the ocean, those jobless down the street, those homeless where I work, those orphans without any parents, the limbless, the hopeless, the sick, the hungry....all across this planet of ours.....all of them are probably envious of me right now.

I KNOW that someone--okay LOTS of someones--ALWAYS have it worse than I do. And just because I'm having a down day--which I KNOW will get better because it is up to me to make it better (and writing what little bit I have has truly helped already)--doesn't mean I'm not blessed and not eternally and abundantly grateful for EVERY SINGLE BLESSING I have.

I have been given a SHOWER OF MIRACLES lately, I really have. God has been hard at work in my life, and His Angels--both Earthly and un-Earthly--have been workin' overtime for me and my family lately. I know that.

But, I'm still human, and I'm allowed to feel what I feel. I can't fight it, I can't change it, I just have to accept what I'm feeling--whenever and however I'm feeling it--go with it and move on.

Also, I mentioned previously that other than my grandfathers, I've never really had to deal with the death of a really, really closed loved one, Nellie is my first.

I asked myself a million times since my mom's birthday (when I found out I had to put her down) HOW I would handle not having her here? How would it feel to come home and not hear her meowing, or curling up next me purring...and now I know how it feels, and it feels icky, sad, empty and hard.

But, that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I know my baby (Nellie) IS with me in spirit. I KNOW she's probably helped me more on the OTHER side in the weeks since her death than I will probably ever know.

It's okay to miss her, it's okay to cry, it's okay to grieve. She was/is a beloved member of my family who is physically no longer here.....

I miss you, baby, I really do.

But, life must go on. Today, I'm going to go to lunch with my good friend, Sarah, check out the new Fall Fashions (always my favorite) at the mall, laugh my butt off and just stay in the Presence of the Lord!

I may just take it one hour at a time today, but at least, I'm honest and genuine in how I feel, and I know that this too shall pass.

My boss has a saying that she says ALL the time when she get stressed, she says "Life Is Beautiful, I can do this, Life Is Beautiful" and you know what? She's right.

Life Is (Still) Beautiful. It's a precious gift and it is absolutely what we make it. It is a process, a work in progress and actually, one big fat ironic laugh 'till you cry (or cry 'till you laugh) fest!

Thank you, girl boss of mine, for reminding me of what I do know deep down--that life is beautiful.

I have a job, a home, the most AWESOME support system, a car, clothes, limbs, hair, a pretty face, plenty to eat, a phone, A/C, the ability to walk/talk/think/write and the knowledge and Power of God.....

so yes, even in times of grief and sadness and extreme uncertainty--life is beautiful.

Thank You, Lord, for all of the many, many beautiful miracles (and people) in my life!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz

P.S. I'm going to live this day FOR Nellie, because she would want me to. She wouldn't want her mama all sad and worn down, so I'm going to do my best not to be. Rest in peace, my fur baby. I love you--so much--now and always. You were, and you remain, the very best!

Music Monday--1 Day Late!

2010-08-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

It's "MUSIC MONDAY" which has actually become Music Tuesday, since I'm a day late, sorry, I was in out of town.

Anyway, I heard this song on the radio just a few minutes ago and as usual, I turned it up and sang along!

This is probably my favorite Toby Keith song ever and while it is so simple, it is so profound.

There are a lot of songs about soldiers and the American Military--all of which are great, this one, however, is the best.

The song says it all, it never fails to move me to tears.

I am forever grateful for my brave soldiers and the courageous sacrifices they make for my freedom. I am also forever proud to be an American--despite its difficulties--so many of my blessings in this life stem from the sheer fact that I'm an American. And I have hundreds of thousands of American Soldiers fighting for me, my family and our freedom every single day; that alone is something to be happy about, proud of and grateful for.

Thank you, guys and gals, every single one of you.

Enjoy this song, reflect on the words, say a prayer for our military and remember "Freedom don't come free...."

God Bless all of the American Soldiers out there, and God Bless America!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz

Beautiful Day!

2010-08-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

On a very, much more positive note, it is SUCH a beautiful day outside! I went downstairs to get into my storage (looking for something I couldn't find!) and as I was walking I thought "Wow! It's beautiful today!"

So I took a stroll around my complex--we have a lot of trees and flowers and pine cones. It really is such a pretty property that I live in, I am blessed!

The trees are standing tall and still and are exceptionally vibrant in their coloring! They look well hydrated and full of life!

The flowers are purple and pink, and gorgeous!

Y'all know I love pine cones and the smell in the air is total summertime--sweet and heavy and kind of grassy.

There's not a single cloud in the sky and while it is rather warm, it's an enjoyable warm, not sweltering "Oh Dear, Lord" warm!

I am happy I was able to go outside today, look up at the clear blue sky, see the terrific trees and take pleasure in the beautiful day that God has given us--thank, You, for that!

Let's all enjoy this day for all that it's worth, life is good today!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Wow, Infertiliy is a Hot Topic, apparently: a sincere apology, the courage of a conviction, agreeing to disagree & the lesson of acceptance!

2010-08-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

Here's the thing, I wrote a post about Infertility yesterday. It was actually a comment I left on a blog. Apparently, some people found my comment truly offensive, WOW, that was a first.

This is kind of why I don't want to write a book--I mean, I do, but I don't. People are always going to disagree, and there's so much negativity that I just don't want/need.

I can totally respect others' (different) opinions, differences make us greater human beings and when we learn to disagree in a fair and respectful way, we grow.

But for someone to think that I would just come right out and be hurtful on PURPOSE, that bothers me. I'm not a cruel, insensitive bitch.

They don't know me, they don't know my story.

What I meant was that it irritates me when people let ONE situation in their life CONSUME and CONTROL their WHOLE life. That never made sense to me and probably never will. SOMETIMES--for a day or two, or even a few weeks or months, I DO understand that. I get it, I've been there.

BUT, there's so much hostility and anger involved with infertility that I think that's why people don't talk about it. It's like this battle between the fertile and the infertile--and the happily infertile.

Yes, there is such a thing.

There ARE actually people that DON'T want children and that's okay too.

Why all the judgement? I don't understand why we can't just get a long and agree to disagree? Why do people who are infertile take the comments of others (some of us who are also infertile, by the way) so personally? Like, maybe LEARN from those comments, maybe step out of your own pain and see something positive in a different person/situation.

I feel like if I'm infertile I'm SUPPOSED to be sad and angry and depressed and let it consume, and possibly ruin, my whole life? Nope, sorry, that's just not who I am.

There ARE people who CHOOSE to spend their lives looking at the POSITIVE, BRIGHT side of things. MOST days, I am one of those people--not always, but most of the time.

I do not even disagree with the people who disagreed with me. I stand by what I said, but OF COURSE I NEVER meant to hurt ANYONE. I'm a not a cruel, spiteful person and for me, just being ALIVE is a GIFT!

I really, really wish people would realize that.

Life is precious and hard and miraculous and difficult--some days I don't want children because I can't imagine putting another human being through the kind of hell that life ultimately is sometimes. Come on!

Other days I DO TOTALLY want children and my heart ACHES beyond belief that I can't.

But, in life, you win some, and you lose some--but you only TRULY lose when you fail to learn from the (all be it hard, unfair and crappy) experiences put in front of you.

I even said in the comment/post that there are lots of ways to be an important part of a child's life without having any of your own. I said there are ways to live a happy, successful life without a child.

The BIGGEST point I made was learning to ACCEPT what is seemingly unacceptable.

I'm really learning, and again, only I AM learning--not that everyone else is or has to or should, that part of happiness in life is just learning the LESSON OF ACCEPTANCE.

It is NOT an easy one, but the more I learn that lesson, the harder it is for me to see people DROWNING themselves in misery; it's like people LIKE being in pain and feeling conflict and sadness and anger. It's almost like people LIKE punishing themselves for something (infertility, marriage, divorce, kids, death of loved ones, etc.) they sincerely have NO control over. I just don't get it.

I USED to be one of those people, but my God, so much time and space and ENERGY is FREED UP when one learns to just accept things as they are.

I'm not saying to just lye down and let life beat the crap out of you. I'm not suggesting we just take crap off of people and never stand up for what is right, what we believe in or what is truly important to us. It's not about that.

Acceptance is just realizing that you simply cannot change some things, you cannot control some things. No matter how hard you try, how much you work at it, how much you WANT to, how much you WISH and PRAY and DREAM that things would be DIFFERENT; sometimes, they're just not going to be. Period.

And that's why I think infertility is such a hot button issue. I personally see it as wanting to control your fate--which every single person wants to do--and to an extent, we DO control our fate. But sometimes, it is NOT up to us, it IS up to God. He DOES know the bigger plan, and He does HAVE a plan. And people that spend years and years crying and aching and ruminating over the fact that they can't have a baby--to me, I just don't get it. I do NOT judge it, at all, but I don't get it.

I cried and ached for a while, don't get me wrong. Sometimes, I still do. It IS completely and totally UN-FAIR and UN-NATURAL to NOT be able to give birth, I totally agree. When I see parents hurt, abuse or murder their children and THEY could have them, but I can't? Oh yeah, I get pretty pissed and look up and go, "Really?" I have asked God hundreds of tims to explain it to me, but I may never know the answers--so many times in life, we never end up knowing the answers. And that's okay.

But, guess what? WE ARE ALIVE! We are here, breathing, walking, talking--and life CAN be enjoyed (most days) REGARDLESS of personal situations.

There is more to life than being a parent, it is totally possible to be happy no matter what. We just have to make the CHOICE to be.

I feel it important to jump in here and say that many parents face nothing but trial and heartache with their kids. People want BABIES, they want the dream of a family--but I don't think a lot of people realize the impact that children have on your lives. It changes everything and takes so much time/money/energy/space--FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Fighting to have one, is really sweet and brave and courageous and a wonderful inspiring story to tell your child someday--how hard you fought to have it. But, some parents are also miserable and SOME are even sorry they had them. Few will admit to that, but I've heard it occasionally.

I've probably left a lot of readers in the dust, and again, I don't want to hurt ANYONE or sound too judgemental. I hope I'm not sitting on a moral high horse, this is just what I believe.

My way isn't necessarily the right way or smarter way, there's TONS of crap I do NOT understand, and might not ever understand. As much as I DO know about life, there is FAR MORE that I do NOT know. And I've ALWAYS been the first one to admit to that.

But, still, I stand by what I said. Both yesterday with the comment and the post.

Perhaps, I could've changed my tone, been more sensitive or shared more of my personal history from the get go, but I was not wrong in what I said, and neither was/is anyone else.

There is room for difference, we are grown ups, and we can agree to disagree.

By the way, I don't think all infertile women/men are miserable, unhappy or sad. They have EVERY right to be so if they are, but to project that anger/sadness onto everyone else, isn't fair either. It is NO ONE'S fault that some people just can't babies, and that's all I was trying to say.

Each of us has individual plan, each of us is on our own unique path. That path doesn't have to divide us, or make us drastically different from one another--it CAN unite us. I am not where some people are, and they're not where I'm at. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with taking our own sweet time to learn the lessons we need to learn.

I have tasted this humble pie and it's quite tasty. And although, again, I am sincerely sorry if I hurt/offended anyone, I am glad that I was able to admit to it, and get in touch with that "fightin' Sarah" again--in a good way. A few weeks ago I was beginning to think I'd lost my "fire" my "passion," my "zest" for standing up for what I believe--and it's good to know I haven't. Yay!

That being said, I don't want to further embroil myself in any more negativity, so this is the last I will be speaking of this topic (infertility).

Thank You, Lord, for the strength to stand up for myself, the courage to stand by my convictions, for the Power of You and Your grace, Your forgiveness and Your love. Thank You, most of all, for the HUMILITY to see the error of my ways and apologize when I was obviously a bit out of line. Thank You, for placing so many wonderful children in my life that I don't feel the need to rush out and have my own. Thank You, for the GIFT of LIFE (my own) and the lesson of acceptance.

I grew a little today.

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz

Less Stuff, More Experience: the experience of food, sex & spending money wisely.

2010-08-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article the other day that talked about how more people are choosing to spend their money on experiences, rather than things.

Don't get me wrong, I like things--I wish I could say I'm so spiritual that I have no need--or desire--for material things, but then I'd be lying.

I walked around my room the other night and picked up the ten or so "things" that meant the most to me, it was rather easy to do. Last night, as I crawled into bed, I was looking around thinking "I have SO MUCH stuff."

I think life is about balance--I have some very treasured things, things that I wouldn't want to part with, probably ever. But, most of my things are just that--things. And I was never really into spending money on things. (Most of my things were bought for me or given to me as gifts.)

That's why I found that article so interesting, people are wanting more experiences, instead of more things.

I guess that's why women spend so much money on manicures, pedicures, hair cuts and so on. I was never one of them. To me, I can do my own nails and don't care for tanning--I don't want skin cancer, thanks. I did get my hair cut a few weeks ago, but I did it at the local beauty school and paid $19 total--including shampoo/condition treatment/cut/blow-dry/style AND tip. I may sound like a cheapskate with that sentence, but I don't care. I cannot cut my own hair, so two or three times a year, I do pay to have that done. But, it's not an experience I particularly ENJOY. For me, getting in the car and driving there and waiting and sitting and all that--oy ve, I'd rather be writing, working, sleeping or cooking.

I know, I'm weird like that, but the bulk of my money is spent on food. Not because it HAS to be spent that way, but because I love the experience of food and cooking.

I will drop $12 on a good bottle of Olive Oil before I'll drop $20 on a manicure. Okay, I don't spend $12 on EVERY bottle of Olive Oil, I'm just saying that for me, I prefer to spend my money on the experience of food.

Eating isn't just a necessity for me, it's one of my greatest luxuries. That's not say I plop down hundreds a month on the food that I eat--both out and at home, I'm actually a savvy grocery shopper, I know how to get great food for not a lot of money, mostly because I know how to prepare it well. I don't have hundreds of dollars a month for any one thing, anyway. But, if I have to eat to stay alive, then I might as well be enjoying what I'm eating. If it doesn't taste good in my mouth, tantilize my senses, conjure up a special memory or make smile wide; chances are, I probably won't eat it.

Yes, I'm a foodie, anyone who knows me knows that. I'm not a picky eater, but I am a food snob. I LOVE FRESH, QUALITY food, it's one of my greatest pleasures in life.

I come from "that" family that got up in the morning thinking about dinner that night. I kid you not. That was us--and it still is. We're a little obsessed with food, but it's also a passion we ALL share, so that makes it a really good thing!

I have to admit, I don't enjoy cooking as much as I used to. It's work, especially when you're only cooking for one. (It's rare that Colin and I eat meals together, or that he likes what I make anyway, which is a shame, because I'm a great cook, but anyway, I've stopped fighting it (and him) and just accept that part of our marriage.) There are days when I truly do NOT want to cook and am GLAD I don't HAVE to. I understand why most women (that I know) in their 50s and 60s don't cook a lot anymore, because they spent literally decades prior to that doing it all day long!

I used to look at people who don't like to cook and think "how could you NOT like to cook?", I get it now. But, what I've also found is cooking is a lot like sex--(food is very sensual); at the beginning of a meal, you may not be in the mood to fix it. You may think you're too tired to chop, sautee, grill and care for the food with love. But, I swear, every time I get about halfway through the actual cooking of the meal, I think "Wow! This is so much fun, I'm really enjoying this." And then, when the meal is cooked and served and I sit down to finally eat it--oh I enjoy it even more! I am most always delighted with my efforts, proud of them and glad I made the effort. If cooking is like sex, the actual meal is like the orgasm! And hey, aren't orgasms always worth the effort?!

Good sex, too, is an experience. And most of the time, it's free! I know financial stress can put a damper on the desire for sex, but there's a reason poor people have so many kids--nothin' else to do. And sex is a great experience--well, it can be. I also see couples investing in their sex lives too--spending a bit more on special lubes or lingerie and stuff like that. Sex is pretty much the ultimate experience and although it may not be "sky, rockets & flights," every time; most of us are always glad we did it, once we're dong having it. See, a lot like cooking.

Okay, I've gone off topic, but my point is, I have no problem paying for a meal--whether it's a meal out with a loved one, or a the ingredients to make a meal. Because for me, cooking the food that leads to mealtime is an EXPERIENCE.

Lord knows I do NOT need more stuff, but I think all of us would like more experiences.

Whether those experiences involve food, beauty treatments, a vacation, an exceptionally delicious cup of coffee that we just can't make at home, a fabulous new book we've been yearning to read (and don't want a time limit on so we actually go out and buy it--please, support authors, by the way--it's hard to make a living as a writer) a movie in an actual theater with popcorn and everything (that's an expensive experience these days!), or a tricked out party with friends.

I agree with the article, I would much rather spend my money on those experiences than on more stuff that I usually end up forgetting I have anyway.

I know the best things in life free....

A smile, a fresh picked flower, a sunset, a conversation with a friend, being able to run barefoot through the grass in summertime or catching snow on your tongue in wintertime, laughter, love and joy--yes, all of this is free--but I think the latter three often stem from good experiences that are truly rich in their manner.

I don't think it's even a matter of spending less. Yes, I know the importance of, and live by, a budget. I'm not saying cast caution to the wind and go hog wild with your money--I think what this article inspired me to do was be more MINDFUL of just what I spend my money on. I think that's the general idea; not necessarily spending less money, but getting more VALUE for the money you do spend.

It's like that old saying "it's worth the price of admission and then some." That's what this article was saying; what experiences are worth what they cost to have?

What is "worth the price of admission" for you?

For me, it's obviously mealtime and food, for you, it may something different.

I think it's something we could all do a little more of: lean more towards having meaningful experiences rather than collecting more stuff.

My goal this week is enjoy the EXPERIENCE of LIVING--instead of focusing on "stuff" I can't afford to buy--and probably don't need anyway.

Thank You, Lord, for so many enriching experiences in my life!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

My thoughts on Infertility

2010-08-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

My favorite blogger, Alisa Bowman wrote a post about infertility today. You can find that post here.

I wrote a comment on the post and I felt compelled to share it with you, here it is:

While I go back and forth on whether or not I really want to have children, I can say that infertility is devastating. Even if it’s something you know about WAY ahead of time, it just goes against our nature.

We are made to create life–I’m not saying we HAVE to do that, or that our lives are completely meaningless if we don’t. In fact, I think a lot of people should NOT have (had) children. And I think the decision to remain child-free, for some couples, in more self-LESS, than selfish. I think if you and your partner KNOWS that you cannot handle parenthood, than it wouldn’t be fair to you, or the child, to do that.

HOWEVER, I think for MOST women, at SOME point in their lives–even if it’s just for a few days–WANT to create life and birth a child. I’m not saying women want to go through labor, but the desire and inclination to create a life and give birth to it is absolutely a part of our make-up. We’re animals on some level, and ALL animals have a desire to re-produce–it’s natural and normal, no spieces has ever survived without pro-creation.

That’s why I think infertility is so devestating, because for me, it wipes away a piece of your entire identity. (Like Dr. Marc said). Even if you don’t WANT children, knowing YOU have the OPTION, and YOU get to decide that–it’s pretty huge.

I do think people can have fabulous, wonderful, meaningful lives without ever having children at all–I know quite a few people who have done that–and I don’t need to have a child be complete–that being said, when the God-given right to bare children is not there anymore, it just messes with your head a bit.

I think it hits women worse because we’re made to do just that–literally–our bodies were MADE to be pregnant and give birth–and men often feel like less of a man if they can’t create a baby with their wives. BUT, what I don’t understand is people spending SO MANY YEARS and SO MUCH MONEY on attempting to get pregnant–the kids cost a ton when they come OUT–just saying. I really shouldn’t judge, but kids are TOUGH. Any parent out there will tell you that although it’s totally worth it–being a parent is THE hardest thing in the world. It’s taxing on time, money, energy, everything–not in a negative way, but it’s just, it is. I think the kids are worth it in every way, but most people I know that didn’t have kids, don’t regret not having them. And yes, most parents would have their kids again and again and again, I know that too. I just think that although infertility is completely un-fair, there is a lot to learn from it too.

I think one of the reasons infertility is so devastating is because SOCIETY SAYS we MUST have kids. I don’t care how many strides women have made, if a woman chooses not to have a child, “something’s wrong,” you know? Like I said, sometimes it’s more selfish to have a child than to not have one. And sometimes, people have kids for the wrong reasons–Alisa wrote a post about that last year and it was so true.

My point is, I’m 26 and most of my friends have kids or have had a scare or are PLANNING on having kids someday. There’s a TON of pressure out there to have kids. I think that makes infertility harder–I wonder sometimes, is it really a problem society projects onto us, or a solo one?

As hard as infertility is, I wish people would realize that although having children IS fantastic, there ARE so MANY, MANY ways to be a part of child’s life without having your very own. You can be a fantastic Auntie, Uncle, God-parent, Nanny, volunteer with children, lead a Youth Group (either @ church or @ Boys & Girls Club).

I understand the yearning for children of your own, but at some point, you have to realize that everything happens for a reason and just because you don’t/can’t have children, doesn’t mean you cease to exist as a human being.

You may be missing an innate ability, and it may suck for a while, but often times things are ten times harder than they have to be simply because we refuse to accept things the way they are.

Fertile or infertile–each of us is worthy, special and deserving of happiness. We cannot lose ourselves so much in ONE person or ONE situation (infertility) that we forget to do our best to enjoy the journey.

Sorry for the ramble, that’s just how I feel.

Thank You, Lord, for all of the beautiful and amazing children in my life--each of whom, is a gift, even though they're not my own.

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz

Music Monday

2010-08-09T23:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how to "link up," perhaps Shelly can show me. Anyway, she has a blog I read regularly and today is Monday, which means "Music Monday". I've decided to join the fun! Today, my pick is "Rain Is a Good Thing," by Luke Bryan. It's just a catchy tune, every time it comes on the radio I find myself turning it up loud! Yesterday, I was literally praying for rain and when it finally DID rain (for all of three minutes) I was SO happy! I started singing this song by Luke Bryan, and heard it again tonight, on the way home from dinner! Yay! Here's the link, enjoy!

I do concur, rain--and this song--is a good thing!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

8-9-10: Laughter, Friendship & Missing Nellie

2010-08-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

Today is literally 8-9-10, which I happen to think is pretty cool!

I'm not a math whiz, but I am numbers oriented--I remember dates VERY well (birthdays, anniversaries, best days of my life, etc.), I can now make change in my head (very proud of that one!) and have dabbled in numerology. There is something to it, I think.

Anyway, I had a nice day today--I slept in and then spent an hour or two reading and writing. I wrote a new poem and am currently in the process of writing another--I love it when that happens!

I also spent time watching "The Golden Girls," and it was HYSTERICAL! Oh, it was one of my favorite episodes and even though I know the darn script, I laughed so hard!

Blanche had writer's block and she comes out and says "I have Writer's Block, it's the worst feeling in the world!" And Sophia goes "Try 10 days without a bowel movement." So funny--and true. To which Blanche replies "you just sit there, hour after hour." and Sophia goes "tell me about it."

It was funny because I've been there, more than once. In 1999 when I had a surgery on some female parts, I came home from the hospital and did not have a bowel movement for 11 days....11 days, my good Lord, it was awful. I tried everything--diet, exercise, laxatives, you name it. It was horrible! Eventually, I did go--but the memory of that as I was watching the show today made me think about even through the worst times in my life--medically speaking--some pretty funny stuff happened!

I was lucky, my family always helped me make the best of surgeries. I remember laughing a lot all the way to San Francisco and usually, laughing even harder all the way home. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all fun and games--not every day was full of laughter--but in the past few weeks, I've re-realized how important it is to make time for laughter. It really is the best medicine and it can get you through so much!

I'm happy to say I laughed toady--some day's it's an accomplishment just to do that! Today was a great day though, it really was! I got to talk to my good friends, Sarah & Tessa, and that was fabulous as always! I laughed with them too, they're such tremendous ladies, I'm so blessed to have them in my life! I could not manage this crazy life without my girlfriends--they're just the best!

I do miss Nellie, but it's getting easier. I am feeling more and more peaceful about the fact that she's not suffering anymore, that's fantastic, and to be totally honest, I do NOT miss cleaning a cat box. At all. But, I do very much miss my cuddle bug--especially late at night--near bedtime. You know, all the memories, photos and videos in the world can't replace a person's (or a pets) scent, and I miss smelling her very much. (She was always a terrific self-groomer--bathed herself a few times a day her whole life and smelled quite sweet!)

But, I'm doing okay, I really am. The work week starts again tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it.

Thank You, Lord, for love, laughter, friendship, taking care of my Grandma, fingernails, 5 senses, plenty of food to eat, pine cones, remote controls and the telephone. Thank You also for a relaxing, reflective Monday!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Early Morning!

2010-08-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

I've been waking up every day at 5:30am, 6:00am, I don't stay up, I'm just not a morning person. But, instead of waking up and rolling over and going right back to sleep, I've been getting up.

I get up, I open the sliding glass door that opens onto my patio (okay, small porch) and I just soak up the view. It dawned on me the other night that I've never lived in a place where I could just step right outside from my bedroom. It's quite lovely.

I really enjoy getting up first thing in the morning--when it's quiet and surene and just about the only noise are the birds chirping.

I can see the just risen sun through the trees on my left and right, and straight ahead, I see a dozen or so pigeons on the roof of building next to mine. I have a big lush pine tree to my left, on which hundreds of baby pinecones cling. Beneath me, and to my right, I have a clear walkway with green grass and small trees placed sparatically. I have two light posts that are just about to turn off with the light of day and the sky is blue-ish gray. (Yes, I'm slipping into verse, I can't stop myself). The clouds are light and puffy--round like little cotton balls--but they're not too big, and there's not to many. This particular Sunday morning, it smelled like rain, and it was lucious. It's quiet and peaceful and just all around wonderful.

In this moment, in the early morning--everything is right with the world, and so very right in mine. I can focus on my breathing, looking forward to a new day and just take it all in a way that the business of mid-day doesn't allow you to.

Ultimately, I do end up going back to sleep for at least 2 or 3 hours or more--but I'm enjoying this little early morning ritual of mine.

Thank You, Lord, for waking me up early, giving me the peace and enjoyment of early morning and making each morning so grand, beautiful and amazing!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Guilty Pleasures: motherhood, babies & whatever else it takes to get laughing!

2010-08-08T13:57:00.000-07:00

"If motherhood were easy, it wouldn't start with something called labor."

I've heard that quote for years, and occasionally it dawns on me that I'm now the the age where people either start having babies, or have had them. I'm 26, and once in a while, I get "baby-fever," like I want a baby....I just don't want the entire lifetime of parenthood that comes with it.

That being said, I TRULY enjoy listening to stories about motherhood. I have always been fascinated by children, but now, now that I'm the age where I COULD be a mother myself, mothers fascinate me too!

Today, I'm indulging in some "Guilty Pleasures" which for me means trashy reality TV. Now, I know not much of it is actual "reality," and "wasting time" watching such shows does not serve the world in any way shape or form.....

But, my two "guilty pleasure shows" are "Bethany Getting Married," and "Kardashians." I don't watch them religiously, but something about them is just so entertaining.

Anyway, today on "Bethany Getting Married?" it was the episode where Bethany goes into labor and the WHOLE thing were so funny. I'm sorry to laugh at someone Else's misery, but parts of it were just so freaking funny, I had tears coming down my face.

First off, her water broke like a month early--so they were trying to rush around their condo and get stuff ready. They didn't know what to wear, her cell phone hadn't been charged, they didn't have a "birth plan" and she wasn't sure if she needed to wear a bra or not. Then, the assistants had to run out and get a bassinet, a stroller and so on. They were so un-preapred and it was comical; why? Because I think this is how MOST parents feel when they're having their first child. My mother felt that way, (I was six weeks early) and so did one of my friends (whose daughter was four weeks early). We all know that babies all come on their own time and once they do, it's ALL about them! That's for sure!

Anyway, once they got the hospital, Bethany was doing some Yoga Breathing and then said "Thank God I didn't take that stupid class! (Lamaze) It feels like someone is ripping your insides when out with their bare hands, but just Breathe!" You know, I've never been through labor, and probably never will go through that, but that's a good way to put it. I'm all for Lamaze, but it probably does feel like someone is ripping your insides out!

When Bethany was deciding whether or not to have an epidural, she was telling her husband "how do girls in High School give birth in the bathroom stall? Like, how are they not running down the hall screaming bloody murder. Me, screaming like "One Flew Over The CooCoo's Nest" would not be good for anybody."

Oh, good question, I had to laugh.

Then, right after her epidural, Bethany said "Oh, this is fantastic! I'd have quadruplets if they gave me this stuff! I feel like I'm at a bar and I'm nice and it's all good. I still don't understand why everyone doesn't do this?"

Can I just say? Me, neither. I'm sorry, I'm normally very adamantly against drugs of any kind, but let me just tell you, if I was having a baby--oh oh BRING ON THE DRUGS! I'm all for good energy and natural, but it can't be good for the baby if a woman is writhing in pain.

I guess my point is, so many times on TV we see these "perfect" images of child birth. It's funny, it's probably funnier since I'm not the one actually giving birth, but parts of labor and delivery are HILARIOUS!

It's even more hilarious to see two people with NO experience with babies try and have one. Hysterical!

Bethany's assistant, Jason, had to go to the store and pick out some underwear for her. And he says "4 years of college, $40,000 a year and I'm picking out underwear, for women." I mean, that's funny. I don't care who you are, that's funny.

And so true, a lot of really educated people end up doing all the footwork.

So, back to to guilty pleasures--I think I'm a bit ashamed to say I watch these shows because like, how lame is that? I'm an intelligent woman, spiritual and all, and I spend my Sundays watching this stuff?

I've finally come to the conclusion that if the worst thing I do is watch some dumb reality shows, than I'm not doing too badly.

As I said in the last three entries, it's been rough lately, it's getting better and easier, but the one thing I'm keeping is doing ONE nice thing for myself every single day. Today, it's reality TV. It's fun, it makes LAUGH LIKE CRAZY and it makes me feel better than I have a calm, child-free life. Well, I have lots of kids IN my life, but I don't have my own, you know. Anyway, it also makes me glad that I'M NOT on TV, although lately, there's sure been plenty of drama around here--even at times, I've felt like I was LIVING IN A REALITY SHOW or MOVIE! Shoot, I've kept my sense of humor through it all, though, so that's good. I feel great about that!

"You can put your whole life into someone and you never know what's going to happen."

Boy, isn't that the truth? Whether it's a baby, a spouse or whomever, that is SO true! I'm also hearing that it's scary to love someone that much. I totally agree. One of the reasons I don't think I want children, sincerely, is the fear of losing them or screwing them up beyond repair! Oh, to be totally responsible for another human being--the fear. Babies change EVERYTHING--they can take a totally uptight, control freak and mold them into a gentle "nothing matters" type of person. They can take a total party-dude and turn him into a guy who never wants to leave the house because he wants to be with this baby. I think it's just absolutely amazing how babies change the lives of EVERYONE around them. Nothing is ever the same once they arrive.

Babies melt you in a way that nothing else does. At least for me, they do. Babies remind us of what's important in life and just put it all in perspective. Babies aren't as fragile as we think they are, contrary to much popular belief, they don't break that easily. LOL! This is fun....yes, I'm still watching "Bethany Getting Married?" when they bring the baby home. LOL! Newcomers, first-timers, hilarious! What a joy!

Anyway, back to guilty pleasures. I like the Kardashians TV show just because...well, they remind me that my family isn't that nuts after all. Actually, that's not true, family is the greatest blessing in life--and sometimes, the biggest curse! Sorry, but it's true.

My other guilty pleasure is soda, I used to not drink it at all. The other day, it was Grape Soda. Oh it was so delicious. I wrote about the joy of drinking said grape soda and other things, the other day while on a break at work. Here is what I wrote:

The joy of a good ole fashioned Grape Soda! It's often the simplest things that bring the most joy! I try not to drink soda very much anymore, in fact, I've tried to cut back to only one a week. I have a love-hate relationship with soda; I KNOW how bad it is for you, but sometimes, especially in the dog day heat of summer, oh boy, there's just nothing like it! This week, I decided on a Crush Grape Soda. I may have one non-citrus soda per year (I don't drink ANY cola what so ever, I'm a 7-Up, Sprite, Squirt lover), but oh Lordy Lordy is this ever good! YUM!

I also have purple nail polish on today, and thanks to Instant Dry, I was able to put a quick coat on right when I got to work--and I only smudged ONE nail! Yay! I'd rather have smudged nails than chipped nail polish, but that's just me.

I sound old right now, well, not old, but maybe old fashioned--these kids listening to all this rap and crap....oy ve, I'm so blessed to have ears to hear everything, but seriously, I think I'll take my hearing aids out for a while. LOL! I did get a chance to listen so some magnificent Piano (Sounds of Nature type stuff) music before I left the house, while I was getting ready. It was so nice and SO peaceful! There are positively no words to describe how freaking lovely it was to have the house TO MYSELF! I KNEW that alone time would help a lot!

So there you have it, my guilty pleasures involve trashy reality TV, grape soda, girly nail polish and being a young person with a passion for Classical Music!

My mother always told me that guilt is a horrible, man-made emotion and one should never feel guilty for long. Unless of course, you intentionally hurt someone--which I can't say I do a lot of. Okay, I don't do that at all, but anyway.....these it feels kind of good admitting my "guilty" pleasures, I think we all have them. Mine aren't too bad, and right now, spacing out to Reality TV isn't such a bad thing--I miss my Nellie Marie SO MUCH. Last night, around midnight I cried so hard over her, and I woke up all puffy this morning. Ugh! But my hair is gorgeous today! It's long (I got it trimmed last week and it looks/feels so much better, it's lovely!), straight and beautiful! It's okay to cry about missing Nellie, it's normal, and I have meditated since I lost her. I don't "zone out" to Reality TV all day long, but sometimes, it's okay. It's not like I'm totally avoiding my emotions, but I'm also not drowning in them. I'm doing my "15 Minute Rule" where I cry and get emotional for 15 minutes and then I move on. I learned it in therapy years ago and it's a technique I use to this day--obviously.

Anyway, like I said, sometimes, you have to do whatever you have to do to make yourself LAUGH! I'm trying to LAUGH HARD and HEARTILY every single day--and today, watching "Bethany Getting Married?" helped me accomplish that! Like I said, I laughed SO HARD I had tears streaming down my face--and I mean that in the most respectful way.

If "guilty" pleasures make you laugh, make you feel good, allow you to forget the reality of your OWN life for a little while and provide a little escapism; what's so bad about that? I'm not hurting anyone, and you have to have balance in life.

Thank You, Lord, for this glorious Sunday to just chill and be and breathe. For writing, for cooler weather, for beautiful mornings. For plenty of delicious food, a job to feel tired from after working so hard at something I love so much, for family, for Grandma & Grandpa, for the man who took one heck of a chance on me, for writing, typing and 26 years of life so far. Please continue to bless it all!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Mealtime with My Mom!

2010-08-07T23:34:00.000-07:00

My mom and I made dinner together the other night. It was so absolutely wonderful! When I was growing up, mom cooked all the time--she is the one taught me how to cook, and one of the reasons I'm such a good cook! But, these days, it's rare that my mom cooks anything. I don't blame her, she spent 20, 30 solid years cooking, so I understand that she's tired of it. The other night, however, we made Asian Chicken Lettuce Cups together and my oh my, were they ever good! Yumo! We took boneless, skinless chicken breast and chopped them up in small pieces, then we sautéed them in a big ole pan with garlic, ginger, crushed red pepper flakes, soy sauce, sesame oil and salt and pepper! Then, we took cucumbers, carrots, cabbage, cilantro, tomatoes and green onions and chopped those up in uniform pieces. Then we got out leaf lettuce and spooned the cooked chicken and raw veggies into the lettuce cups and topped with Spicy Peanut Sauce (from Fresh & Easy) and it was SO yummy! The whole process was a lot of fun and it reminded me how much I love cooking with my mama! It's a bonding time, it is for so many people and always has been for us. Food/mealtime is when people connect, talk about their day, error concerns and so on. We ALL need to eat, it's necessary to live, so eating is very communicative, we sit down at the table (without the TV) and set aside our differences and enjoy a delicious meal that we both took the time to make. I really miss that aspect of my life. My family and I used to have dinner together--at the table--at least 5 out of 7 days of the week, if not more. The dish was extremely yummy and it brought back a lot of great memories for me, it also taught me that my mom and I can teach other in the kitchen--some things she is better at, some things I am. She's finally learning to trust my decisions in the kitchen and she says I'm a better than she "ever was." That I whole heartedly disagree with, the only reason I'm a fantastic cook is because I learned from the best! (Her and grandma, I mean!). We did invite Colin to join us for dinner at the table, but he declined. At first, I felt bad, he's my husband, I should be eating meals with him--and we do--sometimes. He's never been a big meal-time person and he likes the TV on when he eats. Sometimes, I do too, but usually, I prefer it off. I like to taste my food and focus on what I'm eating when I'm eating it. It tastes better that way, I think. Anyway, it was the highlight of my week, to say the last. Thanks, mom, for a home cooked meal, a great time making it and all around delicious experience--you're still the best, and I love you!

On a marital note, Colin and I have been married 17 months today--to the day--and next weekend, his brother is getting married! I'm excited to see the whole family again and think about the context and purpose of marriage vows! Here's an early Congrats to the next Mr. & Mrs. W.!! We love you, too!

Today, I slept 13 hours--well between last night and today and it did just WONERS for me! Grandma is back in the hospital, unfortunately--but I'm sure she'll be fine. It's in the Lord's hands, not mine, but I did say an extra prayer today for God to send her the right people just like He did with Colin a few weeks ago. I didn't do much today, just rested and relaxed, caught up on cooking shows, lounged around. I ate and ate and ate---and that was fun, and then I went to work. It was nice, the concert we were having had a pretty nice turnout and overall, this has been a great Saturday!

Thank You, Lord, for mealtime with my mom, fabulous food, my 5 senses, 4 limbs, a car that is running beautifully and the ability to drive it, my great job, cooking shows, lots and lots of sleep and most of all, thank you for love and forgiveness and grace. For my grandma and good friends, and thank You also for Colin. One of my greatest teachers of so much--ever! Please continue to bless us all!

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Alisa Bowman, tomorrow! It's an honor to know you, read your brilliant work and call you an encouraging friend! Happy 40th, my fellow writer, here's to many, many more!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)